mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I met my husband 23 years ago when we both had nothing in regards to what people call wealth. He lived in a small studio flat and so did I. We hardly made ends meet after every pay cheque but somehow we pulled through. It was after knowing each other for 4 years that we finally decided to live together and strive for success. We both had a passion for success and we both embarked on a path that could lead us in that direction. We attained our master’s degrees and with God’s blessings our life’s gradually changed for the better. It’s like every dream we had was unfolding as the years went by. Within no time we were living in our own home, a beautiful home. We started a family, we have 2 kids that we dearly love and have given them the best in terms of education and we have a strong bond with them. Neither I nor my husband had that bond with our parents so we thought we would be different. I believe we have achieved that with our kids. However, after that colourful narration of our life’s journey my husband recently shocked me with words he uttered and I am hurt.

Maurice asks,

What was it that hurt you?

We both do well at work and we live a very comfortable life, the issue which according to me is a none issue and that over the years we have shared about our finances; individual and joint investments. What I am trying to say is that my husband and I over a decade ago agreed that despite being a couple we would both have individually owned assets. Couples normally do not discuss eventualities of life like break ups but we did and we agreed we would both be financially secure just in-case our relationship came to an end. Anyway, what hurt me was that my husband eventually admitted that he has been cold towards me for the last year because he feels since my promotion at work I have become the man of the house and that I am never there for him as his wife. He said money has changed me and that he feels irrelevant in our home despite being the provider.

Maurice asks,

Are you saying that you earn more than your husband?

She replies,

Yes I do, much more. And like I said earlier we both do well but because I have a bigger salary it has caused a rift in our home, we are both wealthy with plenty of assets. My husband has always supported my career growth at work so where is all this coming from?

Maurice replies,

Since your promotion has your marital quality time at home changed and is your work keeping you away from home more than usual?

She replies,

I guess our time together has slightly changed but we still make time for each other. Yes my work is now demanding in the office, many late hours and corporate functions.

Maurice replies,

I believe that is your primary problem. Your husband has over time noticed that your quality time has dwindled and that has led him to feel neglected and despite your agreement his ego is most likely bruised by your promotion and the fact that you spend more time with your colleagues than with him. It’s common with some men, he is just feeling threatened and he needs constant affirmation from you that you love him and that he will always be the man of the house. Unless there’s more he is not revealing, your husband just needs some tender loving care, ego boosting once in a while. Everyman has a little boy within him that needs that attention so give it to him. That’s my advise to you.

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In life you have a choice. To apply as much time and effort into your relationship as you do for your boss/company or else watch your relationship wither. From Monday to Friday the average working hours excluding other appointments is 40 hours. The quality time spent as a couple during the week is between 10 hours to 20 hours, that is less than a whole day. Make the right choice and make time for love.

Dear Maurice,

I have quite the story to tell you so I hope you can bear with me as I try to narrate my life experience in marriage for the last 21 years. May I begin by informing you that I am 41 and my husband is 54 years old. I was married after dropping out of school 2 years prior. I met my husband and he took me under his wings and made me feel that I could make something of my life. He paid for my higher education and I eventually gained a under grad degree. That was my stepping stone and I will never fault him for that. He gave me an opportunity while my family gave up on me or were more interested in educating the boys, my brothers. My father never saw the value of educating a girl hence why I fought back and eventually left school after being demoralized. Any way, 2 years into our marriage my husband had an affair or what he calls a one month fling and I took time but eventually forgave him. However during his one month thrill he managed to get the woman pregnant, it was a tough time but we dealt with it the best we could.

Maurice asks,

So what is the current problem in your marriage?

She replies,

Not long ago I went through my husband’s phone and called all the suspicious sms chats. My investigation unfortunately revealed that he has been having  multiple affairs, so far I know of 6 women and one of the women shared with me that she has been in his life for 18 years and they share one child.  In short he caters for her every need as if  she was his wife. I asked her how she could do that to me, she replied that she has no ‘beef’ with me but my husband availed himself to her and she took her opportunity.

I actually believed that his cheating days were over, I have been a dedicated wife limiting my career advancements to play the good wife role and for what! Only to be stabbed in the back by the man who professes everyday to love me. Six years ago he bought himself a flashy car that suits our sons. Is this midlife crisis or is this a man who married to fulfill a societal requirement?

Maurice asks,

Despite what you know, how do you still feel about your husband?

She replies,

I am a realist, I am too old, so I think, to move on and start all over again, but how do I live with such a man? To answer your question, I care about my husband very much but the love factor has fizzled out.  Maurice what is the way forward for me?

Maurice replies,

My dear it’s never too late to try love again however I am not saying you should leave your marriage. But I must quote you, you say love has completely fizzled for you, which leads me to state, there’s no real marriage if love is the lacking ingredient. That is more of an existence in marriage. Personally I do not foresee an avenue for improvement in your marriage. If indeed you are independent you need to think about you, be selfish for once, life is too short to waste it on emotional energies that won’t be fruitful. You may end up in a lonely place for awhile but at least you will have a settled state of mind in time. Seek for happiness within you first before you seek it from others otherwise you will be in the rat race of depression. A new beginning is what I advise.

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To my readers, for those inquiring about the handcuff set, french maid and nurse outfit please call Mary on 0731 495 485. She still has stock.

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February session bookings

I have always followed a first come first serve policy but I can only allocate date and time slots to those who pay their confirmation deposit. I highlight this because I currently have tentative bookings for the same dates. I do not want to disappoint anyone so please confirm your bookings.

Oh, I am looking forward to my Nyeri session in February.

Dear Maurice,

I really need your honest opinion on current occurrences in my life. Probably calling them current is not entirely correct but there’s been a gradual escalation which has caused me to suspect my husband.

Maurice asks,

What have you noticed about your husband?

She replies,

Let me start from the beginning. We have been married for 9 years; we are heading towards our 10^th anniversary in October this year however something tells me we will not be celebrating our milestone. I have known my husband for 12 years and I never thought he would put me through my current emotional state. Anyway let me continue. Two years ago my husband was transferred from Nairobi to Kisumu, to his home town, which was somewhat a delight for him but hard on me. I never envisioned being apart from my husband and it’s also hard on our 4 kids. We take turns to visit each other but I guess he does most of the traveling to see me and the kids.

About a year ago I traveled to Kisumu, actually it was around end of January last year. I was there for a weekend; I needed the quality time with him. Yet while I was there I can attest to having spent a good portion of the weekend waiting for him to come home. In short it felt like a wasted journey. While he was away from the house I decided to snoop around though at the time it was more like cleaning up and assessing how he lives away from his family. I happened to have come across certain items or should I call them garments that did not belong to me, evidently they were feminine so I wondered where they had come from. I found a pair of panties and they looked recently washed. One was in the bathroom and the other in a drawer in the guest room.

Maurice asks,

Did you confront your husband about what you had found?

She replies,

Yes I did, but before we go on let me tell you that I also noticed that the kitchen had a woman’s touch, I can’t be certain but my instincts are usually right. Something felt a miss. Back to your question, when I confronted him he said they belonged to his female cousin who had been coming over to keep him company. The thing is, we speak everyday on phone and not once did he ever tell me that he had a visitor. Since then other occurrences have been him not picking his phone when I call him, his phone being off followed by a multitude of excuses that don’t add up. When I try and ask his family members they all seem to be protecting him. I am a Taita woman and I would hate to believe that my husband is adopting the stereo type lifestyle I have heard about over the years. I can forgive him but I want to know, is he possibly cheating on me?

Maurice replies,

Yes there is a possibility that he is cheating or has cheated in the past but you need to out rightly ask him in person if he is having an affair or has he ever had one. Tell him that he owes you the truth and that you can possibly forgive him so that you can move from this point. If he persists to refute your suspicion then you need to take each day as it comes. Stressing yourself with ‘what if’ possibilities will not do you any good. Eventually the truth will come out, it always does.

Dear Maurice,

I have very concerned about the future of my marriage due to specific promises that were made to me by my husband. I met my husband 13 years ago; we have been married for over 6 years now.  We have no kids yet at my age I think I should be well into my 2^nd child by now. I am 35 and my husband is 38.

Maurice asks,

Is there a particular reason why you have not started a family?

She replies,

My husband and I decided not to have kids till we felt we were financially stable enough to raise 3 kids. Our set deadline lapsed 2 years ago and he has never mentioned having kids, not even once since our mutual agreement.

Maurice asks,

Is not having a child the main issue you have with your husband?

She replies,

That is only one issue. The other is his lack of drive to upgrade our lifestyle. We have been living in a 2 bedroom house in Eastlands yet he assured me years ago that by now we would be living in a more affluent area. I have no apologies to make for wanting to move up in life, I want to achieve certain goals and I feel my husband is not reading from the same book. The only positive is that he has invested in a school fund for our children.

Maurice asks,

For how long has he been saving towards that school fund and have you seen the statements?

She replies,

Yes I have seen the statements and he has been saving for the last 6 years.

Maurice asks,

When was the last time you spoke to him about starting a family and what was his response?

She replies,

To be honest I haven’t brought up the topic for years because I expected him as the man to initiate and show me the signs of wanting to be a father. I have been hoping to get pregnant but it has not happened over the years. It does not help that we agreed long ago that on my risky days we use condoms.

Maurice replies,

So, on the part of saving for your future kids I believe you can agree that your husband is playing his part, so may I ask is your issue related to your ambition to move to, as you call it, an affluent area?

She replies,

There’s that issue but still I don’t understand why he does not mention having kids, he behaves as if he has no plans for kids, that bothers me a lot. Has he changed his mind or is he hesitant to have kids?

Maurice replies,

It would not be logical for a man to sustain a school fund if he had no plans to have kids. I believe your problem as a couple is the lack of communication and too much dependence on personal expectations. You need to revisit your goals and also revive the plans of having a family. You’re in a partnership so it’s only common sense to voice out rather than hope that your spouse will instinctively deliver on your expectations. Stop tip toeing around each other and sit down and assess your future together and come to some mutual understanding then action your plans. There might also be an underlining medical reason to why you have not been able to conceive after all these years so please both of you consult with a specialist. This is my advice to you at this juncture.

Dear Maurice,

I need you to shed some light on a situation that has befallen me. I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 years. We met when I moved into the same apartment block 6 years ago. I was then dating someone else but that ended when she flew abroad. After almost 6 years of knowing each other she betrays me.

Maurice replies,

What happened?

He replies,

When I moved into the same residential block she was then dating some guy who got her pregnant twice and each time he forced her to abort over a period of 3 years. The guy also cheated on her with another girl who lived in the same apartment block. Despite how he mistreated her she was in-love with him and she was very honest about that from the word go. She said when I came along I made her feel safe and loved. We were friends for close to 2 years before we started dating. I should have known better.

Maurice asks,

Why do you say that?

He replies,

Because I have proposed to her twice and she has always wiggled out of accepting my hand in marriage. It has been one excuse after the other but am still here.

Maurice asks,

Why are you still there for her?

He replies,

Because I love her.

Maurice asks,

Why her?

He replies,

It is a feeling that I can’t explain in words, I just breath and live for her. It has been a long journey to reach where we are so I don’t understand why she has made the decision to leave.

Maurice asks,

Where has she gone and what led her to leave?

He replies,

She fell ill and was admitted for 3 weeks. Within that time her ex heard she was sick and paid her a visit which led him to brain washing her into believing he was a changed man and somehow he won her heart back. I can’t make sense of her reaction towards him. Four months after leaving hospital and being by her bedside, she told me to my face that she was leaving me and it was not about me but her. I declined her request to let her go peacefully and dug deeper then she told me that her ex has always been her soul mate.  She cut me deep when she admitted that her ex has all along been out of sight but not out of mind. Maurice how can a human being after 4 great years just wake up one day and decide to over turn your World and in the process break your heart. I do not think I can accept any explanation but I want to hear your take on my situation.

Looking back I have given her everything she ever asked for. She always said she was happy and content with me as her man. She has always been my priority above all. I provided for her, I took her out everywhere I went, I bought her a car, I invested in multiple projects in her name and I am currently building what I thought was going to be our home, so why can she make such a sudden move and walk away after 4 years? That idiot never invested in her and he spent most of their relationship feeding off her. How can she settle for less, how can this be possible?

Maurice replies,

Based on what she told you it is clear that she never really moved on from her ex. Unfortunately a loved one can throw at you a scenario that makes no sense what so ever. The truth is, even though many couples can be happy together, there’s always the chance that one person in that relationship was destined to leave one day, the only thing you probably did over the years is slow down the inevitable. There are things in life that are out of our control. It defeats all logic that you have been there for her then she chooses to leave you for the one man who mistreated her. Again, unfortunately for you ‘logic’ in many cases does not apply when it comes to matters of the heart. I am sure you have a million questions and trying to make sense of it all will just stress you so try not to overload your mind.

Dear Maurice,

I am currently feeling like I am trapped between a rock and hard place. I have discovered something that has distorted the way I perceive my marriage status in terms of mental stability as a wife.

Maurice replies,

Please do share.

She replies,

Where do I start, well I have been married to what I thought was an honest responsible man but evidently after what I have uncovered he is definitely not honest unless the meaning as changed. I am stressed, I am angry and I need you to make sense of this situation for me. My husband of 9 years was once married for 12 years then he divorced his wife under reconcilable differences.  He spent 3 years as a single man and played the field as he once put it until he met me and fell in-love with me. Within a span of 2 years we were married. In case you are wondering my husband is 51 and I am 38.

Maurice replies,

If I may stop you there, does your husband run two families?

She replies,

Yes he does and that is connected to my predicament. At the end of November last year, we visited his other family for one of the kid’s birthday.

Maurice asks,

How many kids does your husband have with you and with his ex wife?

She replies,

We have 2 kids, our youngest is 6 years. He had 3 kids with his ex and when she also found love again she had one more child though she is not married to her current partner.

Maurice asks,

So what happened at the birthday?

She replies,

I happened to be chatting with his ex wife, whom I kind of hate but pretend to like over the years, about the kids and we got talking about the similarities between the kids and their fathers. That’s when I saw something suspicious in her reaction as we spoke about her last born. It got me thinking whether it was really her partner’s child or not.

Maurice asks,

So what did you do?

She replies,

I couldn’t ask her because I had a feeling after knowing her for years that she would not be candid with me so I waited till we got back home and I tricked my husband into confessing by implying I already knew his secret with his ex wife, it was a gamble but it paid off. He opened up with all the guilt painted on his face. He tried to explain that it was a one off just over 3 years ago and that there’s no affair going on.

Maurice replies,

Almost 8 weeks after your revelation you are still living under the same roof I assume, and if so what clarification do you seek?

She replies,

How can I trust him, why couldn’t he tell me, yes I would have been mad but I would have made thinks work due to his honesty?

Maurice replies,

Based on your somewhat calm reaction and ability to forgive I feel as if you either expected or were ready for any future revelations as the one that haunts you now. I believe you know that you want to sustain your marriage but seek an apology that makes sense. Let me tell you, no sincere apology will make sense to you. Your husband defiled his vows and the question now is, are you willing to leave him or are you staying? We both know your answer so I advise that you find closure on that matter and find the strength to seal the past and concentrate on your future. Remember, if the truth came out two families would bear the suffering, and is it really worth all that pain and disorder especially for the kids. I think not.

Dear Maurice,

I am a 26 year old woman who has been married for 3 years. Both myself and my husband work and sometimes late hours however for almost 3 years I have been under his unfair illogical rules. He dictates to me when I should be home latest and if I am late I have to convincingly argue my case on ‘why I am late’. At first I used to think it was his insecurities until I realized he is just a dictator by nature, a complete bully. How can he treat me as such yet I have never applied rules on him?

Maurice asks,

You have described your husband as a dictator, my question to you is, was he not a dictator when you were dating, from the time he started to court you?

She replies,

When we were dating he was slightly more liberal in his way of thinking but the minute we got married I suddenly noticed a major change in character over a very short period of time. What I witnessed was not what I would expect from the modern man I married. It’s like he became a different man who I couldn’t recognize.

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband?

She replies,

He is 39 years old. And before you imply it, my husband did not marry me as a trophy wife, he loved me for me and he still does, I just don’t understand why he is so strict with me when it comes to my movements.

Maurice replies,

I had not implied anything in that context however the fact that you brought it up flags up questions pertaining to your defensive response. It might be a context you have thought of and decided to dismiss. At this juncture I don’t want to speculate but I need to know if these strict conditions are related to your social life or are they about a standard curfew set by your husband?

She replies,

I have to be home by 6:30pm every evening. He knows that even without bumper traffic it will take me at least one hour to get home and I leave work at 5:30pm. When I go out clubbing most of the time he will join me even when I am with the girls. When I go to our local supermarket I am sure to receive a few calls to check up on me. When I am home he is settled but the minute I leave he is on my trail.

Maurice replies,

In my opinion, the first mistake was to allow for the conditions to go on for so long. It would have been wise to tackle the rules at the infancy of your marriage or better yet to discuss expectations before you were married. I believe from the on set your husband was playing a role that was not entirely his true character and once you were married he felt that he had the right and power to dictate his terms hence why you are in this predicament. You can either let status quo prevail or stand your ground and tell your husband that he is suffocating you with his regimental rules, tell him the truth and don’t sugar coat your feelings. Don’t expect a quick change in his mind set but be persistent in your quest to make him understand. If he cares about your state of mind,  your freedom and your marriage, he will gradually relinquish his hold on you.

Dear Maurice,

I am angry; I am disappointed and very frustrated. My life has been turned upside down with just one phone call. I have known my husband for 8 years but we have been married for 5 of those years. Nine years ago I used to work in Mombasa for a foreign couple who ran a holiday resort. I was their resort manager till November 2009 when I moved to Nairobi to further my career in the Hotel industry. The move was also good for my marriage because my husband was based in Nairobi.

Maurice asks,

So what went wrong?

She replies,

In early 2010 the couple I worked for in Mombasa offered me an opportunity to study abroad, they offered to pay for my post grad studies as they knew I had always wanted to elevate my academic profile. Anyway I discussed it with my husband and believe it or not I sacrificed my opportunity for him to gain if the couple would agree to sponsor him instead of me. So I went ahead and requested that they sponsor my husband and they accepted to do it if that was my wish. By August 2010 my husband had left for the United States to pursue his first degree. It is important that you note that my sacrifice was so that my husband could gain a level of education that I already had.

Maurice replies,

Again if I may ask, what went wrong?

She replies,

Over 3 weeks ago my mother-in-law called me and asked me to get in-touch with my husband immediately, on hearing her tone of voice I asked if everything was ok and she replied ‘call him’. I called my husband and asked him what was so urgent for his mother to call me, as she had never done that before. He replied ‘baby I messed up’. In a state of worry with him being in a foreign Country I asked him what he had done. He said that he had impregnated a girl. My first response was to ask who she was and he said he met her over a year ago and that he never meant to hurt me. I spoke to my mother and her sentiment was that I was a fool to sacrifice my life for ‘this man’ as she put it. My question to you is how do I handle this situation?

Maurice replies,

Apart from being angry how do you feel about your husband, how does he feel about you, is he going to raise his child and how does he feel about the other woman?

She replies,

I still love and care about him. He swears that he loves me but he also has feelings for the other woman. And yes he wants to raise his unborn child. And to think I begged him for a child before he left and he refused to conceive with me at the time. I do not want to start a fresh; I have invested too much into this marriage. I want him back home even if he comes with his mistress and child I still want to make it work. Do you think that set up will work?

Maurice replies,

As long as you have the will and drive to make it work, I don’t see why not. However the transition won’t be smooth, adapting to sharing your man won’t be a walk in the park and there’s no telling how two women in one home will react to one another. Personally I foresee a recipe for major domestic conflicts; that said it is your prerogative to embark on this unorthodox path in your marriage.