mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I am coming to you with a heavy heart, a broken heart to say the least. Unfortunately though, my heart has been in this condition for 3 decades. Yes I have had some great times in my life but the bad times have definitely overshadowed the good. I have been married for 37 years. We have 6 children who are obviously adults now and I feel a failure to not have managed to groom my husband into a better man than he has been for all our years together. My husband has disrespected me and our family unit countless times and I have just let him get away with it for too long and now he has crowned all his bad deeds.

Maurice asks,

What has your husband done this time round?

She replies,

My so called husband has decided to get serious with a girl who is younger than our last born.

Maurice replies,

Please expound on that.

She replies,

Our last born is 28 years old, my husband is 62 and his latest victim is 26. Has he no shame, can’t he see that he might as well be dating his own daughter. What is he thinking confidently displaying her for the World to see that they are a couple who plan to wed from what I am hearing from the family grapevine? What are my choices, and leaving my home is not one of them? I have slaved for this man for too long for some young girl to come and take over my home.

Maurice asks,

For how long have you known about your husband’s mistress?

She replies,

About this particular girl, not long. However my husband has been a cheat for as long as I can remember I guess I decided to ignore his adulterous antics when it became too much, for me leaving was never an option, I took my vows seriously and I guess I have stuck it through mostly the thick of times.

Maurice asks,

When did you stop caring?

She replies,

I knew I had stopped caring and feeling in-love by the time we had our third child. After that I was on auto pilot and have been ever since. I have lived a life of weathering the storm.

Maurice replies,

It seems that you accepted your husband for the cheat he has been over the years however you still seek answers to your predicament, may I ask why?

She replies,

Despite all, my husband has this manly thing about him that just sweeps you off your feet and before you know it you are making babies with him. That is what I have held onto for all these years and to have another visible woman in my midst is what I fear.

Maurice replies,

In regards to your choices. Confront your husband about the rumours. Make it clear that if indeed he has made that choice to be with this other woman he needs to establish another home for her. I would also recommend that you consult with the legal fraternity to ascertain and secure what is rightfully yours as his wife.

Dear Maurice,

I would like you to make sense of a situation that has befallen my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 8 years almost 9 years. We have 2 kids. I can say that it has been a very good marriage with the usual ups and downs. I having an extremely loving and devoted husband. I am content however for the last 4 months I have not been a happy woman because my husband refuses to honour his pledge to my parents.

Maurice asks,

What did he pledge and when?

She replies,

When our families were in talks negotiating my dowry it was decided that out of the demands that my family made my husband would pay part of it and complete his dowry obligation within 2 to 3 years. Five months ago we attended a family meeting and this pending matter of dowry was brought up by my extended family members and they did not mince their words. They were extremely categorical that my husband had defaulted in his promise to settle with them. To them that was a show of disrespect considering he should have cleared with them years ago. To add salt to injury my husband went on the defensive and kind of rubbished the pledge stating that he had paid for the most crucial customary obligations and that the additional dowry demand was created by a few of my family members as a form of embezzlement in his opinion.  As you can imagine my husband’s sentiments were not received well.

Maurice asks,

I want you to be honest with me, is it the dowry issue that troubles you or the way your husband responded at the meeting?

She replies,

Well, he did offend my father and my extended family members, though my mother agreed with my husband’s testimony but did not voice it at the meeting.

Maurice asks,

Do you agree with your mother?

She replies,

Yes she does have a point that my husband covered the most critical part of our customary dowry but he also made me feel that I was not worth what was been asked for. I wanted my husband to just accept their demands and settle it once and for all. Since then there’s been so much tension in our home, I don’t know the way forward, what do I do?

Maurice replies,

This is my take on the matter. I believe you need to stick by your husband, there’s a reason why your marriage has blossomed for almost 9 years, don’t sacrifice that for anything. I am not dismissing your husband’s actions. He should at one point take the step to apologise to your father, that said, if indeed there’s some truth to your husband’s sentiment then you should respect the fact that he stood up for what he believes is right. It might not please certain family members but remember your marriage is between you and your husband, which should be priority number one. For your husband to make any rational decisions regarding the pending issue he must feel and know that you back him up unconditionally.

She replies,

Maurice you don’t have to tell me twice I will stick by my man I guess I was a bit mad with him and I just needed your honest opinion. Thank you.

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To my readers,

Decisions and choices you make today will reflect in the future.

Personally I am not at all a supporter of dowry, why? Because many families have taken what used to be customary with realistic dowry demands and made it a somewhat commercial venture. I have seen the effects of this venture and the affected party is usually only the bride and groom later in life.

All I can add is that it is important for a woman who is getting married to side with your husband to be, he needs your support more than ever before at that stage.

From experience dealing with these cases many women who at the time of the dowry process decided to side with her family and left their husband to be in the cold only plant a seed of resentment. Even though men can be good pretenders, because of bride and pressure they will follow through and pay up but in the future they will in their own way remind you of the time you bailed on them as you put a price tag on yourself. In my opinion a woman is PRICELESS so please when you equate yourself with a 90 cows and goats plus a Range Rover you are merely cheap and so you will be treated.

And to the men. Please control your egos and state what you can afford, that in my book makes you a man, a man will stand his ground, but if you exhaust your savings or take a loan to  pay for dowry and the wedding, you are only setting yourself for failure. A marriage that is started on debt is a very flammable marriage.

To those getting married, be a team always, make the right mutual choices and map out a future that you can manage and in doing so your bond will grow and you will pursue your dreams together. Now that is partnership.

Dear Maurice,

I need your help. I am in-love with my girl but she keeps hurting me.

Maurice asks,

What is going on?

He replies,

I met her over a year ago and fell for her. I have dated several women but this has changed me completely.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean by ‘changed you’?

He replies,

I was a bit of a player and never once did I feel what I feel for my girl. I want to marry her but as things stand I am upset with her. When we met she was very attentive to me as her man but know I have noticed since December she has divided her attention.

Maurice replies,

Are you implying that she is double dating?

He replies,

She hangs out with my boys a lot and I understand that she at times wants space from me, she outlined this to me when were first met so it is no surprise.

Maurice replies,

I am sensing there’s more to this story.

He replies,

In late November she had traveled to the Coast with a few close pals and on return I heard hurtful stories that I just brushed off. She is a beautiful Welsh girl and gets hit on by men wherever we go but I trusted her not to fall for another.

Maurice asks,

What were you told about the Coast trip?

He replies,

A friend who was there confirmed that she had a weekend fling with one of my friends.

Maurice asks,

Have you confronted your friend and what did he say?

He replies,

That’s the thing Maurice it’s not a he it’s a she. I have known her for 8 years since we were in high school, I never thought she would stab me in the back.

Maurice asks,

How old are you and your girl?

He replies,

I am 24 and she is 23. I am wondering why she even agreed to travel if she was not interested in a relationship with me.

Maurice asks,

Who traveled where, please expound?

He replies,

I met my girl online and we got chatting for 5 months and during that time I hinted that I would fly her over to visit in October and if we hit it off we could have a future together.

Maurice asks,

What was your girlfriend doing before she flew over to visit you?

He replies,

She was doing temp work with an agency so I offered her the opportunity to visit Kenya.

Maurice asks,

Do you work?

He replies,

Yes, I work for my Dad.

Maurice asks,

Is your Dad aware that you have invited a girl, who in my opinion you hardly know, in the intention of marrying her based on a foundation that was formed via social media?

He replies,

That is not relevant.

Maurice replies,

If you need my honest opinion lets make it relevant.

He replies,

I told my Dad that she is a good friend visiting Kenya. He is ok with it. She is staying with me at my apartment.

Maurice asks,

Despite what she is alleged to have done, for how long will you sell the friend angle to your father…. until her visa expires perhaps?

He replies,

I will cross that bridge when the time comes. Right now I want your advice on what I should do?

Maurice asks,

What is your gut telling you?

He replies,

That I love her very much and I want to marry her. I am upset but maybe I should accept that her culture.

Maurice replies,

Not every white girl sleeps with women so it has nothing to do with culture. My good man I believe this girl is beyond your wildest dreams and you just can’t let go of her. She may be a new favour in your young life and trust me I understand what that can do to a young man but please face the facts that will befall you. You say you want to marry her, have you any idea what that translates to. Will you be exclusive to her for the rest of your life? Are you ready to have a wife, a woman you see every single day and at your age there goes your chance to enjoy dating multiple women before you can embark on marriage. Are you ready to be a Dad to a child or children and provide for them for 18 years+ before they eventually fly the nest?

He replies,

I will not know until I try.

Maurice replies,

This is not like drive testing a new car. This is some serious commitment. You may have the finances to have fun with her for the next 20 years but marriage is a totally different ball game. The social element that makes her attractive to you right now is the fact you are in control and what you have is based on having fun, no demanding responsibilities attached. Hosting her, feeding her, being a tour guide and going clubbing does not count.

She came over to have fun and that may involve exploring her sexual desires that you may not agree with. If I were you I would take a chill pill and enjoy the rest of her visit.

Try getting to know her, the real her. Does she have a bi curious or bisexual nature? As general talk ask her what marriage means to her. If you do keep in-touch after she has gone back home and your connection is still strong then the future will tell but for now get to know her. You invited her over so be the bigger man and do not spoil her holiday with a Spanish inquisition.

He replies,

Thanks Maurice.

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I am seeking contacts in other parts of the Country apart from Nairobi. If you live outside Nairobi and are interested in helping me organise sessions please email me…. maurice_concepts@yahoo.co.uk

I am looking forward to the Mombasa session in March.

Dear Maurice,

I pray that it is not the end of the road for my marriage. I have been a foolish wife for a while and it’s taken a rift between my husband and I for me to notice that things have really gone downhill. We have only been married for 2 years after dating for just over a year. We are both young professionals with years of opportunities ahead of us but now I fear that I am going to lose my husband.

Maurice asks,

Let’s take one step at a time, what did you do to warrant losing your husband?

She replies,

Over the last year I have been made aware by my husband that I have neglected him in so many ways, he sat me down a week ago and listed all the things that I have said and done to hurt him. I was shocked because he had taken time to note them down. He narrated to me the various scenarios that took place over the year and how I reacted or ignored his opinions. He said that more than once, if anything countless times he attempted to establish cordial dialogue with me but I just ignored him. I then made things worse when I started to go on the defense to try and counter his claims. He then stopped talking and walked away, I know my husband, he never backs down that easily so the minute he did I knew he was hurting. I saw it right there before me and instead of going to comfort him my pride overrode my initial instinct.

Maurice asks,

When you say he walked away what do you mean?

She replies,

Without my knowledge or rather in my ignorance, he packed a few clothes and waiting for morning in the pretext of going to work as usual he never came back that evening. At around 6pm he sent me a text on my phone saying that I should check my mail.

Maurice asks,

So did you?

She replies,

Yes I did. I opened my mail and found what seemed to be an autobiography of all the negatives I had caused that affected him emotionally.

Maurice replies,

So you believe that there is some truth in what he wrote?

She replies,

I read it 4 times looking for something that did not make sense only to find that I was to some degree guilty and had overlooked my conduct towards him and it lead to bruising his ego and denting his status as a man within our home. I take responsibility and I need a solution, how do I get him back home?

Maurice replies,

Firstly, I am glad that you take responsibility; you now need to repeatedly affirm to your husband via mail for now. Whether he response or not the crucial thing is that he receives your sincere apology until he feels that he can trust you, right now you are a negative factor in his life, however his perception of you will change as he regains his manly status and truly believes that you are sorry for neglecting him. Secondly as you mend bridges it will be prudent to discuss how to limit such incidences in the future and forge a mutual bond to never fall in that predicament again.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 4 years, I am 26 and a house wife. We have one child, a baby girl who is 2 years old. I am not happy in my marriage and I haven’t been for some years. I have turned to friends and family but in short they all tell me to stick the stormy weather. But my question is, I should stick it out until when. I really do not feel like I am in a relationship leave alone a marriage. My husband from the beginning was a very stubborn man, a man’s man kind of guy, his characteristics were very attractive to me when I met him 6 years ago but now he is not just stubborn but he is selfish, inconsiderate and not at all loving towards me.

Maurice replies,

Please expound on his current behavior. And if I may ask does he provide for you as he is supposed to?

She replies,

I am glad you asked. My husband despite being a man who earns a lot of money has to be reminded that he has a baby to feed. Sometime he will leave enough cash to buy milk and bread, how do I feed and cater for our baby’s needs on that budget, secondly how do I sustain our home on those kind of budget yet this is a man who can comfortable afford to spend on expensive outings and holidays whenever he feels like. Let’s just say if he leaves ksh1,000 for food Christmas must have come early. I have really struggled with my sanity. I am also suspecting him of cheating on me. He did it once and I forgave him but in the last 5 months he has been coming home late.

Maurice asks,

When did he last come home late and what was his excuse?

She replies,

Last week, on a week day he got home at 6:30am. Having not slept the whole night with worry about his safety, I asked him where he had been and why would he come home in the morning? He replied that he had gotten so drunk that he could not drive. I then asked him where he slept. He said he managed to drive to their work’s car park and he slept in the car. What a lame excuse if you ask me. Could he not get a cab home? I may be 14 years younger than him but I am no fool. My question to you Maurice, is there a chance that he will change his ways and be fully committed to his family and did he ever love me? One of the reasons I married him was because I thought he was a much older responsible mature man who had overcome boyish behavior but clearly not.

Maurice replies,

There’s a misconception that men naturally become more responsible with age, this is incorrect. The truth is, older men have experience and with that wisdom and knowledge of life they are more equipt to make choices. Men do not change or shed skin and become reborn, they just have the ability to make the right or wrong choice. In my opinion your husband was most likely not ready to have a family that he can commit to fully. He may have found the idea of having a family positively stimulating but it is a whole other kettle of fish to actual provide for a family. Tell him how you really feel and what your expectations are considering you have a child and ask him if both of you can receive some counseling.

Dear Maurice,

I have a serious issue with my husband and it’s causing frequent arguments in our homestead. To make it worst we are exposing our 2 kids to negativity. I have tried to shield my kids over the years but things have gotten worse and my kids are no fools they can see what is going on between me and their father.

Maurice asks,

So what is this issue and for how long has it dragged on for?

She replies,

Well, let me start by telling you that I have been married for 11 years, I am 34 with 7 and 8 year old. Their Dad is 41 heading 20 because he still behaves as if he is in his early 20’s. It all started when I was pregnant with my first born. There was a sudden change in character, my husband in my opinion became or chose to be irresponsible. Always coming home late, and when I say late I mean 2am, 4am, and despite coming home so late he would insist not to be bothered with my questioning after all he provides and he always reminded me that he is the sole provider in our home and he does a good job of it, so he should not be faced with my questioning. Over the years he has made it very clear that he is the alpha omega in our home and that I should not dare interfere with his social life, at times he even calls it his private life. What kind of a husband would talk to his wife he that manner and I often ask myself what I saw in him 14 years ago. I want to leave him if am honest.

Maurice replies,

You seem to have made up your mind considering what you have gone through, so how can I be of assistance?

She replies,

It has been confirmed that my husband’s latest victim is my sibling sister, she is 23, has always admired my husband but I did not anticipate his lure and charm to work on her.

Maurice asks,

Are you saying your sister has confessed to having an affair with your husband?

She replies,

Yes she confessed and she had no apologises to make, she told me that she understood him better than I ever did. I threatened to expose her to our parents and extended family but that did not faze her at the slightest.

Maurice asks,

What does your husband say regarding their affair?

She replies,

He has denied it. He says that in the past they have flirted ‘only’ and that it must be a practical joke. As if flirting is any better, can you counsel my sister in my presence? I need you to drive it through her thick skull that there’s no future with my so called husband, can you please help?

Maurice replies,

Yes I can help however it’s going to be a tall order to get your sister to attend the session. What I recommend is that I get to speak to her via phone first. Once I establish a baseline with her she may feel comfortable to meet me so she can voice her side of the story. If she feels that we are ganging up against her, our efforts will be futile.