mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I do not think I can hack what my life is going through anymore otherwise I will go crazy.

Maurice asks,

Talk to me what is going on?

She replies,

I have been married for 11 miserable years. I say this because at the beginning though times were troubling I told myself that eventually things would get better in my marriage. My husband hails from a wealthy family and he has always gotten his way. I am 32 and I feel I wasted years of my life trying to change my husband into a man who did not rely on his family to exist and provide for me and our 2 kids.

Maurice asks,

Does your husband work?

She replies,

No he does not work and yet he tells everyone in our social circle that he does. Like I said he gets anything he wants. He does help out in their family business, he is given an allowance to survive whether he helps out of not. And to be perfectly honest hanging out at their head office and chatting to staff all day does not equate to working.

Maurice replies,

You said you have been miserable, please expound?

She replies,

My kids hardly know their father, he is not always physical available and when he gets home from his socialite lifestyle they are normally asleep. The best he can do is buy their love with gifts, basically he is mimicking the emotionally unavailable father he had while growing up. When we met he once broke down about his neglect from his father and I thought that would drive him to being a different father figure but he is duplicating what he once hated. My husband has also not been the most faithful. He has had 2 affairs I know of and they crashed my self esteem to the point his mother intervened and threatened to cut him off the family wealth if he continued to hurt me.

Maurice asks,

Were you never happy when you look back?

She replies,

My happiest time with my husband was the one year and four months we dated before we got married. After our I do’s it was a downhill spiral from there on. I at this juncture want out of this marriage, I am no long in-love and I shared this with my mother-in-law and she was very understanding and she too said she saw this moment coming. She assured me that the kids fund will be secure till they are of age and that she will see to it that my husband provides for me and the kids whether we are together or not. I need to know if I leave will I have failed as a wife and will I be wrong by taking my kids from their father whom they love so much?

Maurice replies,

Eleven years is a long time to feel miserable and not recall a period of happiness within that time. In my opinion, your marriage turned into one of convenience years ago and you gradually severed your bond at the conception of your marital life. Allow your husband access to his kids, there’s no reason to punish your kids if they love their Dad but move on. It is never easy to make certain life changing choices but you leaving may be the best thing for you considering that you are no longer in-love. It is paramount that you know and believe deep within you that you did not fail as a wife or mother. It is time for you to start a fresh and stop living in despair.

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Saturday, April 27th, another session at the Coast. The ladies were so good to me last month I look forward to returning. Mombasa here I come again.

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Dear Maurice,

I need to make sense of things in my life. My wife has really let me down. For the last 2 weeks it has been difficult for me to pretend that all is well in our home when I know the truth.

Maurice asks,

What is happening?

He replies,

My life has turned into a movie story. I met my wife 3 years ago and we have been married for 14 months. We haven’t even begun starting a family then I discover she is cheating on me or should I say she has been cheating on me for a while.

Maurice replies,

Start from the beginning.

He replies,

Well, 3 years ago my boy introduced me to my wife and before we knew it we were dating and later during our courtship I proposed to her. She accepted and we got married. Little did I know that she was involved with my boy.

Maurice asks,

You mean your boy who introduced you to her?

He replies,

Yes that back stabber. They have been together way before I met her.

Maurice asks,

So why did your boy let her get involved with you if he still wanted her?

He replies,

According to him it was just sex and they stopped sleeping together about a week before our wedding. Apparently they felt that it would not be right for them to continue their affair after the wedding, how noble of them ahh!

Maurice asks,

Hold on, so it was your boy who confessed to you face to face?

He replies,

Yes he did. It was hard to stay calm but somehow I did. He told me it was time I knew that I married a slut. He alleges they last fucked a month ago.  He also disclosed that my wife had done her threesome rounds with 2 other mutual male friends. I could not believe what I was hearing. He showed me a series of text messages she had sent him during our wedding night and many during our honeymoon.

She described me as ‘husband material’ and that she married me for that one reason. She also highlighted how better the sex was with my boy compared to me. This news has crashed me beyond but funny enough I don’t want her to know that I know about her cheating ways.

Maurice asks,

What do you want and why did your boy sleep with her again?

He replies,

It is going to sound crazy but for my boy this was payback for sleeping with his girl in campus. Plus he said she was gagging for dick so he obliged. He told me that he did not expect me to get so serious to the point of marriage. When I decided to marry her he stood by and watched because he believes I would have dismissed any objections at that time. I am in-love with my wife and yes I know it sounds weird and desperate but I can’t help loving her despite what she has done to me.

Maurice replies,

Are you kidding me? I am not one to judge normally but this marriage is as good as over. She may never know of your findings but how will you as a man be able to fully function in a marriage where you know your wife prefers to play musical beds. This is one of those times when I must tell you that as much as you may believe your marriage will work out, it won’t.

From one man to another. How is your manhood feeling right about now and can you really live knowing that your wife has been shared among your friends?

He replies,

I will have to try. I can learn to live with it.

Maurice replies,

Wake up and smell the coffee not her vagina. This is not community service you are performing. Things just don’t work out by themselves and for sure when you need to rise to the occasion you won’t be able to perform in bed further killing the man within you, and for what. She will most likely fall into another man’s bed once she realises that you cannot gain an erection for her and are always moody around her. I hope you are not in the notion that you are the bigger and better man for staying with her, because you are not.

He replies,

She will change with time.

Maurice replies,

As much as I doubt it, she may change but ‘wait a minute’. Your wife is not even aware that you know that she is adulterous. How then can she change? My dear sir the potency of love has a way of clouding basic logic and as hard as it is to let go you will have to. Right now you are treading in murky waters and you will lose your way if you don’t accept what is before your very own eyes.

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Saturday, April 27th, another session at the Coast. The ladies were so good to me last month I look forward to returning. Mombasa here I come again.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 2 years, I am 39 years old and I have 3 kids. The last 2 years have been pretty difficult for me. My husband has not been behaving as a husband and father to my children should. Over the last 2 years he has constantly provoked me to initiate arguments in our home because he does not follow my requests or demands. He would rather spend his money socializing and partying with his peers till well past midnight. He finally gets home at 2am and expects me to be fine with his arrival time. He is driving me up the wall and I do not know how much of this I can take. He tells me he loves me everyday and we are still intimate but why then does he spend so much time away from his family. I have a feeling he is doing much more than just hanging out with his friends.

Maurice asks,

You suspect he is cheating on you?

She replies,

I have found Hotel receipts and what I can only assume are dining receipts. He leaves evidence everywhere so it’s not so hard to find it. My husband is not the romantic dinner kind of guy so he must be going out of his way to impress some woman or maybe women. I was previously married to an older man who tormented me for 7 years and I can’t go through that emotional pain again.

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband and is he the father of your kids?

She replies,

My husband is 31 and he is the father of one of my children, why do you ask?

Maurice replies,

You mentioned you were married to an older man so it hit me that your current husband may be younger which you have confirmed.

She replies,

What does this mean?

Maurice replies,

Well, your concerns about possible infidelity may be valid but in the other hand your husband may only be acting out his age. He is no child at 31 however if you married a socially active man, despite his responsibilities as your husband, he may still want to be active in the social arena hence your predicament. If I may ask, what lead you to marrying him?

She replies,

After my divorce I closed myself from men for 4 years. Three years ago I met my husband, a young charming man who gave me more attention than I had ever known before. He unlocked the woman in me, the lonely memories of torment had gone and for the first time in a very long while I was happy.

Maurice asks,

Did he propose to you?

She replies,

Not really, we just spoke about marriage for a while till one day we begun planning for our wedding.

Maurice replies,

Based on the information, I am leaning more on the notion that your husband, although the thought may have excited him, was not ready for the responsibilities of being a husband and father hence why he still says he loves you and that your bedroom affairs are alive and healthy. In his mind he is still your boyfriend. You need to groom him over time to become that husband you desire and you also need to find a balance where he does not feel trapped in the marriage.

Dear Maurice,

My World has hit rock bottom. I have been married for 14 years. We have known each other for 15 years. We have 2 kids. I am 35 years old and my husband is 42.

Maurice asks,

Why do you feel like you have hit rock bottom?

She replies,

I actually thought that I was in a near perfect marriage. My husband has always been the sole provider and has been consistent in making sure he catered for his family without fail. From what I have heard from my lady friends men hardly keep to their marriage vows but my husband has or so I thought he had. He has been a progressive husband making sure his business prospers over the years and assuring that our kids receive the best education possible. Despite the ups and downs of marriage my husband had fulfilled my every expectation apart from one.

Maurice asks,

Which one did he not fulfill?

She replies,

About a year ago my husband altered his weekly routines and his time away from home increased. I noticed the gradual change and although he always had an excuse to every question I was very suspicious.

Maurice asks,

So what did you do about your suspicion?

She replies,

I did my own scouting and found a reliable agent to trail him for a month. I needed to know exactly what my husband was up to behind my back.

Maurice asks,

And what did you find?

She replies,

My investigator gave me a weekly report of all the places my husband had visited and a pattern started to form. After receiving the final findings I decided to visit a certain home that he had been trialed to several times over the month and what I discovered came as a massive shock to me. I could not believe what I was hearing.

Maurice asks,

What did you discover?

She replies,

That my husband had lived a double life for 16 years, and that he had another entire family living only an hour from our home. When I knocked on the door a woman answered and asked how she could help me and I proceeded to ask her questions and she invited me into her home. As soon as I entered it was evident that my husband was involved with her, their photos together were all over the house similar to my home. She told me that they had 3 kids and that he took care of them. She also admitted that she knew about me from the beginning. My husband had impregnated her 2 years before our marriage and he swore he would provide for her and their child. Their affair escalated over the years and now they have a newly born hence why my husband’s routine had changed. Now that I know the truth, how do I handle this deception? I am deeply in-love but how do I trust my husband, how do I confront him?

Maurice replies,

Many at this point would tell you to leave, though that would be an irrational reflex of emotion. I am not excusing what you have found out about your husband’s double life but in my opinion, you need to approach this rationally. The main question which will map out your future is, how much do you value your marriage?

This is how I see it, years ago your husband got a woman pregnant and he stood by that woman which is reflection of his character as a responsible man. His major error was to keep that other relationship from you.

It is your prerogative but if you confront your husband you will be opening a can of worms that may create a permanent rift in your marriage and disrupt that near perfect marriage you mentioned. Are you willing to take that risk? It’s not easy to pretend not to know but the repercussions are unknown. Life is not a straight line and it will always throw a variable to test your commitment. I strongly urge if you are still in-love that you move on from this revelation and continuing embracing what has kept you in-love with your husband for all these years.

Dear Maurice,

I am 31 years old and I have one son, he is 11 years old. My husband is 36. I have been married for the last 10 years, in March next year it will be our 11^th year. Unlike other married couples my marriage has always been a complicated one in every way possible.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean by unlike our couples?

She replies,

Out of the 10 years of marriage I have lived with the father of my child for 2 years.

Maurice asks,

Why have you only lived together for 2 years?

She replies,

After we got married he gave me 2 happy years though we still had our ups and downs then on the third year he was transferred to a different town just over 200 kilometers away. Since then he has moved towns twice due to work commitments and he has always insisted on living apart in the pretext of me running our established business in Nyeri. He visits us twice a month and at times he stays over during weekends. But even when he is here, he is either watching TV or on his phone.

Maurice asks,

So what exactly is your concern?

She replies,

For the last 8 years I have lived in misery and have been extremely lonely. It has never been enough that he comes to visit over weekends. Even though my husband provides for us, our son has gone without a stable consistent father figure and that hurts me. For years he has asked why Daddy is never home and I have to make excuses to paint a positive picture of his father. Can you imagine that, I have resulted to deceiving my own son. Over the last 4 years we have had major quarrels. I once called his phone at 2am and a woman answered, my husband said it was his noisy house help. Another time he had told me that he was not reachable because he had traveled to a remote area for 3 days on duty. I called his office and his colleague volunteered information which confirmed there was no such business trip. I feel as if our living apart arrangement was an avenue for him to be free of us.

My question to you is, will he ever step up and tell me the truth about what I call our convenient marriage and do I just move on? He has brushed off my concerns for years by showering me with money and making sure that our business prospers so that I don’t have to bother him.

Maurice replies,

Based on the information you have given, it is my opinion that indeed your marriage may be a convenient one. It may have taken him 2 years to realize that he married you for the wrong reason and at that point he felt obligated to secure your financial future and at the same time find a way out of your life as a couple. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks so in regards to him stepping up, I don’t see that occurring, he is perfectly content with status quo. I advice that you concentrate on raising your son and securing his future and let your husband be. If your husband ever steps up then you will cross that bridge when the time comes but for now move on with your life and stop stressing over a man who has committed to being apart from his family.

She replies,

Thanks Maurice I needed you to confirm what I have known for awhile. I have another matter and I need your advise.

Maurice replies,

Please share.

She replies,

I have a male friend who I have been spending time with and he has been helping me out for the last one year. My feelings about him are their but clouded by my marriage. The point is I am sexually attracted to this man and I feel that it is time to give myself to him. Not out of love but because I want him.

Maurice replies,

I can only imagine your craving for sexual companionship but don’t you think that will complicate your marriage?

She replies,

As I said I needed you to confirm my future and based on your opinion I feel that I have sacrificed enough in this dead end marriage and I need to feel like a woman of which I haven’t felt in years.

When I am having lunch with this other man I see the way he looks at me, the way he makes me smile and the way he subtly flirts and affirms to me that I am still sexy. I can’t let that feeling go and at this moment I am ready to allow that man to awake the woman I once was years ago. You write about orgasms and I also read on your blog about women squirting and I envy each one of them. It is time I felt real affection from a man, don’t you think?

Maurice replies,

I guess you do. Every woman deserves to feel the sensations that are owed to her. It is now your prerogative to explore what feels right.

Dear Maurice,

I come to you with an extremely heavy heart. I am so drained in my marriage yet I have only been married for 2 years and I have one baby girl who is 5 years old. I am 26 and heart broken by the status of my marriage and I need to know why certain things are happening repeated despite raising my concerns to my 27 year old husband.

Maurice asks,

What is going on in your marriage?

She replies,

Since our wedding day I have had my doubts about my husband. On the day you could see clearly that he was not fully in it. His mind seemed elsewhere even as we said our vows I could read his eyes and though it was supposed to be our magical day I could sense something was amiss with my husband. You can imagine how I had to keep up appearances on my wedding day. I had a big smile on display but inside I was hurting wondering what will our future be like if on our special day my husband is not focused.  I guess he was only upbeat during our honeymoon though I must add that for 2 nights in a row he left me alone to go deep sea fishing. Granted he asked me if he could go fishing and I said yes thinking to myself how dare he ask to leave me alone. And when it comes to his obligations at home I feel like he is reluctant.

Maurice asks,

Reluctant to do what exactly?

She replies,

He does not spend time with his daughter. He only showers her with gifts every month. He never has the initiative to buy food or leave me with enough cash for our monthly household budget. I also work so I find myself buying and doing 70% of what we are supposed to share as a married couple. I only get him to commit when I make a fuss for days on end. It’s tiring, I did not sign up for this. He is just too busy or occupied to be a dedicated father and husband. We haven’t been intimate for 4 months.

Maurice asks,

What is his response to your concerns?

She replies,

He says I am a constant nag always seeking perfection in him yet he is just a man trying his best and that I keep pushing him away and that is why he stays out late or comes home after 2 days on weekends. I honesty feel like he married me because I gave him a child. He hasn’t said I love you to me for over a year. What do you advice?

Maurice replies,

You are describing a man who feels like he has to be home rather than a man who goes home because he wants to be home with his family. I know it is hurtful to be in this predicament but at this stage of your marriage it is better for your husband to open up and let the cat out of the bag instead of dragging on living a lie. Ask him if he really wanted to get married, and if indeed he ever loved you. Tell him you would rather the blunt truth than live your current life. I believe if you can make him feel comfortable to speak out he will reveal what is really on his mind. Once the truth is out you can then map out your way forward.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 4 years and we have one son who is 8 years old and a daughter who is 6 years old. I have known my husband for 11 years, although we dated for just over one year before we got married. I am 34 and my husband is 39.

Maurice asks,

What seems to be the problem?

She replies,

My husband has turned out to be a totally different man from the one I fell in-love with 5 years ago.

Maurice asks,

What is different about him?

She replies,

It is like he has a schedule of the month, there are weeks where he will be home and others he decides to gallivant around with his friends and the only notice I receive is a text telling me he has plans for that particular weekend and that he loves me. I then receive a few texts to confirm he is fine then he goes quiet. I do not believe that he just spends nights on end with his male friends. I suspected infidelity and called for a meeting with his parents at our home and I was shocked by the response I received.

Maurice asks,

What did the parents have to say about the matter?

She replies,

I voiced my concerns to his parents and their attitude towards the all matter was very lax. I told them that for the last 3 years their son had emotionally damaged me with his social life and at times not being home for 2 nights. I told them that if he continued to behave in such a manner I would leave the marriage. His father just laughed as his mother sat there with no expression on her face.

Maurice asks,

Did either parent respond to your statement of leaving?

She replies,

Yes. His father stood up and walked towards me. He then began to ask me a series of questions.

Maurice replies,

Please expound.

She replies,

He asked me if I was really willing to breakup a home because of my husband’s social life? I replied yes. He asked me whether my husband provided shelter for his family, whether he provided 3 meals a every day and whether my kids were in a good school with fees paid. He even asked me if my conjugal rights were being met to my satisfaction of which I replied yes to all the above.

He then said, little girl when you have major issues please call upon me until then stop speculating on issues that manifest in your head and if my son is indeed playing around with women out there at least he come back home to you.

It was at that point that it hit me that my husband had grown up in a polygamous family and that he was emulating his father while married to me. Is there a chance that my husband may be cheating or has plans to lead a polygamous life?

Maurice replies,

Yes there’s always a chance however based on what you have told me you have no solid proof of any infidelity. And if your husband chooses to marry a second wife you will be the first to know. Men who want to lead a polygamous life usually alert their first wife before making that step. In your case I believe before you jump the gun you need to have a candid chat with your husband, in my opinion you have just had a communication disconnect over the years. You fell into a routine and that routine is now showing its cracks. Sit down and have a sober non-judgmental chat about your life together.

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It is unfortunate that in some cases men will surprise their first wife with such news into their 5th to 10th year of marriage. Please refrain from such revelations. I do not believe that some of you just wake up one day and decide you need a 2nd wife. Polygamy is not an excuse to have 2 women nor is it a way of adopting a marriage of convenience with your first wife who you do not love anymore.

The practice of polygamy is not going anywhere anytime soon. All I advise to those men who know they want to practice polygamy is that they make it very clear, before marriage, to any woman they are getting involved with so that she can make that decision to stay in that family setting or leave.

Dear Maurice,

I am 26. I have been married for 8 months but my husband and I knew each other for 10 years before we got married. As yet we have no kids it’s just the two of us and already due to certain habits we are constantly arguing at home.

Maurice replies,

What are you arguing about?

She replies,

The first issue is his new found tendency to go out and socialise without even telling me and just  sending me an sms once after he has been out for hours. My second issue is that my husband remembers to clean his car but leaves his garments all over the place especially his inner wear and socks. Why can’t he have the courtesy of leaving our bedroom tidy. I put a lot of effort to make sure our home is tidy and squeaky clean. It is frustrating when I find his dirty linen thrown on the floor. Honestly it is disrespectful to me. It is not my job to pick up after my husband, is it?

Maurice replies,

No it is definitely not your role as a wife to pick up after him. That said, in the 10 years you have known each other, how long have you stayed together to groom each other about home tidiness?

She replies,

Before we got married we had only just moved in together so we have lived together for 11 months.

Maurice replies,

Am I to assume that while you lived apart his habits were still the same at his home and at that time you voiced your concerns about his tidiness?

She replies,

Yes he was untidy but he had a house girl who would clean and tidy his place 3 times a week. Though, I too did clean up the clutter at his apartment once in a while. While we were dating he spent more time over at my apartment. He hardly cooked at his place so I preferred my comfort zone.

Maurice asks,

How often does he go out?

She replies,

He loves his music, so he goes out for karaoke nights. That’s at least twice over the week and is usually home by midnight. On Fridays and Saturdays he will hang out with his pals and be home by around 10pm. My question to you is why can’t he offer to take me out or let me tag along?

Maurice replies,

My dear if you are waiting for an invitation you may wait for a while. The critical thing to do now is to stop his habit of going out without you. How do you achieve that? Simple, while he gets ready, get ready too and leave together. If he is already at the social venue without you, ask him to pick you or if you drive just join him. Despite what many couples think due to their adaptation, in my opinion a couple should never be in a position where they ask for permission to join each other. When you adopt a certain illogical formula of communication it may go against the principles of togetherness, which leads to habits and trends that are usually hard to reverse. You are very much in your infancy of marriage so groom each other to be partners in almost everything in the social arena and in basic home upkeep. As you groom your husband please be patient. Men are like Whisky they take time to brew. I am sure you get my analogy.

Dear Maurice,

I met my husband just after I graduated from campus 6 years ago. He was the most charming man I had ever met. He was very considerate and extremely generous in the way he would pamper me and exhaust his free time with me. At the time I had applied for several jobs but none were coming my way for a good year, I guess the supply out weighed the demand for my professional skill set. But not to worry my handsome Knight, then boyfriend, was there to assist me financially whenever I needed some form of cash top up. I could ask my parents but they were not always in a position to help me out.  My parents did their best to educate me and they did struggle to make sure I completed my campus education. Anyway my boyfriend finally proposed after 2 years of on and off dating and I was over the moon. My dream of being a bride was materializing and what a wedding we had, it was like a fairy tale.

Maurice asks,

It sounds like you had a great beginning of your marriage?

She replies,

You can say that again, yes it was a fairy tale as they call it. But as the years went on into our 6^th year things in our marriage progressively went from bad to worse. My husband started to drink every weekend and spend very little time with me and our 2 kids. He began to come home at 11pm and that escalated to 5am and it became a habit for early morning arrivals from his escapades. If I dared to question him he would threaten to leave me and take the kids.

Maurice asks,

After you graduated did you not find employment?

She replies,

I did find a job but after 14 months my husband insisted that he wanted me home to care for our kids and he would provide for us, so I stupidly left my job. At the time it made sense but now I know I was foolish to lose my independence.

Maurice asks,

I feel like there’s more to this story, what is it?

She replies,

About 3 weeks ago I confronted my husband and I asked him why he had gradually changed from the most loving man to the man who hardly pays me attention, our intimacy is non-existent, and I also told him that I have known of 2 affairs that he has had but decided to look the other way in fear that he would leave me if I pressured him or cornered him.

Maurice asks,

What did he say?

She replies,

He said that he had never loved me. I asked him “what did you say”? He replied that he only married me because it was a means to an end. He was gunning for a promotion at work which required a marital status and that his mother over some time had pressured him into giving her grandchildren. Once he was married he could achieve both. He also admitted to having 4 affairs during our marriage. That response killed me inside, I could not believe what I was hearing. How do I live in a fake marriage? My parents say I should move in with them as I figure things out.

Maurice replies,

Your marriage can only get worse at this point and I too believe that it is wise to leave what was spawned to be a marriage of convenience. The transition won’t be easy but you have a chance for a new happier start in life.