mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice, 

With a lot pain I inform you that my young marriage has been put underside down by certain revelations. I am 28 years old with a 2 year old baby girl. I have been married for almost 3 years. Our third anniversary comes up in December but I predict it will be by far the saddest period of my life. My husband who is 2 years my junior has been keeping secrets from me and without any notice his secrets are now affecting the stability of our family.

Maurice asks,

What have you found out about your husband?

She replies,

He has been living a double life.

Maurice replies,

Please expound on his double life?

She replies,

Two weeks ago I was called by what seemed as a random woman, she asked if we could meet and discuss a few issues. I asked what issues? She replied, she would reveal all if I agreed to meet her. I was curious to find out what she had to say so I agreed to our meeting. We met a public place, at a cafeteria of my choice and from there my World collapsed.

Maurice asks,

What did she reveal?

She replies,

She told me that she had been dating my husband for the last 6 years. Before saying it to my face she made it very clear that she was approaching me in good faith and that she had no ill feelings towards me. That startled me for a second because I had no idea what was to befall me. I don’t know how I managed to stay composed but I then followed up by asking her to start from the beginning so that I could have a clearer picture of this alleged relationship. Bear in mind that I have known my husband for 4 years.

Maurice asks,

What was the purpose of the meeting?

She replies,

After all these years she felt that I deserved to know that she existed and to complicate matters further she was my husband’s unofficial boss. She revealed that my husband, though he had a job, he was not formally employed by her. She gave him a role as her PA months after she met him. At the time he was jobless and considering their fling she felt obliged to empower him with a job. She also wanted me to know that she gave him the green light to date me and eventually marry me because she was not inclined to ever get married but she did say she had one child with my husband. All this information was too much to handle, since the meeting I have been very distant at home and my husband is clueless on why. What do I do, I hate my husband right now but I can’t allow my child to grow up without her father. How do I trust him ever again, do we even have a marriage worth saving?

Maurice asks,

After knowing what you know, do you still love your husband?

She replies,

I wish I didn’t but I am deeply in-love with him. He is the perfect man when he is with me but know that I know there’s another woman discussing the issue with him will just stir up arguments. I am afraid this might be the beginning of the end for us. Can I pretend not to know and for how long. Maurice I am confused, what do I do?

Maurice replies,

What you are trying to avoid is inevitable, you need to confront this issue with your husband. If you hope to have him around because you still love him plus he is your baby’s father you need to hear his side of the story. She may have approached you to unsettle your home because your husband finally decided which woman he wants in his life, your husband may have cut ties with her long ago hence why you never knew about her, however it is all speculation until you have that heart to heart with your husband. Bite the bullet and discuss the matter it’s the only way you will move forward.

Dear Maurice,

For the last 7 months my husband’s social routine has had a drastic change and I am worried that he may be doing things behind my back.

Maurice asks,

What makes you suspect him?

She replies,

He has become pretty distant in sharing with me his weekend activities, before he would be open with information and keep our communication link open but nowadays I am having to really pry to get through to him. It’s important for you to know that my husband is 16 years my senior. I was married off by the age of 18. I am 29 with 4 kids. He is very intimidating and I fear confronting him because he is a highly temperamental man.  In short I do not have much say in this marriage I guess that has been our way of life.

Maurice replies,

But you haven’t said what makes you sense a change in his character?

She replies,

Where do I start, a few months ago I found suspicious receipts that implied he had evening meals at certain venues in Nakuru where we live and in Nairobi. I further investigated and found hotel payments on his credit card. When I recall the dates, he had told me that he was out on business or had drunk too much so he could not drive back home so he opted to stay at a Hotel. Even before finding all this evidence I had suspected that his behavior had suddenly changed late last year.

Maurice replies,

Despite your fear of his reaction have you questioned his behavior change without revealing how much you know?

She replies,

Every time I bring it up he says that I am the one who has changed due to unfounded insecurities that I have developed. He is impossible to get through to at the moment. It is really stressing me. I spoke to my mother and she was of no help because she reminded me that I have allowed my husband to rule my life for far too long. I know she has a point but I did not expect her to dismiss me the way she did.

Maurice replies,

I’m assuming apart from your current disconnection with you husband he at least provides for his family?

She replies,

Thankfully when it comes to me and our children he provides every thing we need, my children are comfortable, in a good school and are loved by their father, however as a wife I am extremely worried about our future and lonely. I worry for my safety in regards to diseases that he may transmit to me if he is cheating when he is out there. I fear making a fuss to the point I am chased from our home, my husband is our life line, I only have him to depend on. In your honest opinion what are my options?

Maurice replies,

Relationships are all about mutual communication that is not forced upon someone. I recommend that you email or hand write a very sincere calm and collected letter highlighting all your concerns in your marriage, especially about your state of loneliness, you have a husband you should not be lonely. Easier said than done but please humble yourself in the letter so that your husband does not feel pressured or prejudged. If indeed he truly cares he will respond, tell him to be honest however blunt and painful it may be, it will be appreciated. You must create a baseline where he can open up so you can hear his side of the story. Be prepared to most likely hear things about your marriage that you may rather not know but at least the truth will be out.

For your own peace of mind it is paramount that you know your status, receive a check up for any STDs or STIs.

Dear Maurice,

I am a Kenyan Indian, born in Mombasa but I live in Nairobi with my husband. We have been married for 2 years. We have not started a family but he has been eager to have a child but the feelings are not mutual.

It was an arrange married based on our customs but from the start I knew I would never learn to love my husband.

I am writing to you because I am confused and I need a way out. Our parents and extended family are such an integral part of our marriage that I feel suffocated at times, actually most of the time. We all live in the same compound, everyone knows everyone’s business and I can’t live like this.

I am having an affair with a black Kenyan and he treats me in ways I never thought possible. I did not even know how to love or even about men and real sex until I met him almost a year ago. The problem is when I am with him I am constantly watching over my back. He says that I have him to protect me but if my family found out I could easily disappear and I am not kidding around. How do I break away without putting myself at risk? Please give me a solution.

*To my readers. She requested I only highlight her predicament but she wants my reply to her to be private.

Maurice,

It is unfortunate that in this day and age people still racially profile each other. It’s a shame that in the so called modern society we live in we judge by race, tribe, social status & background and many other unwritten customary and traditional ‘by-laws’ that are so out dated.

I hope with generations to come that attitudes will change and one will be judged on character and merit and not by skin colour.

I am dedicating SO AMAZING by BOYZ II MEN to all women, I wish you a great start to your week….

Dedicated to that black beauty

Dedicated to that woman who loves

to take a dip

Dedicated to that woman who just takes it all off

whenever she can…. hmmmmmm….

Dedicated to that woman who can’t

quench her thirst

 
Dedicated to that European woman who loves her fruit

 
Dedicated to that woman from Brazil

Dedicated to that woman from Asia

Lastly, a dedication to all women with those luring eyes with bad intentions

You know who you are….

Know that you are beautiful everyday, look into your mirror and tell yourself “damn I am beautiful”

If you don’t have a mirror ‘you’re still beautiful anyway’.

Lyrics:

You’re so amazing

Breathless, you leave me breathless, The only air I wanna breathe is you, Girl your best is so effortless Oh, you’s what I wanna get into and when I do I’m gonna

Dear Maurice,

I am a 29 year old woman in distress. I have been married for the last 9 years. We have 2 daughters. For the last 3 years my 38 year old husband has been acting strange, I don’t know if it is mid life crisis or there’s another underlining problem that has bothered him over that time. Granted our marriage for the last 7 years has been pretty jumpy and unpredictable but we have always somehow found a solution to our domestics.

Maurice asks,

What is your current crisis at home?

She replies,

As I said for the last 3 years my hubby has been showing signs of adultery, actually more to the point he has been seen with several young girls in clubs. To add insult to injury he has been spotted in the same social places we frequent. It’s like he does not care who sees him with these girls. I feel like a laughing stock in our social circles. He freely introduces the girls to his friends sometimes the other wives are there and they immediately call me to question my husband’s actions and to ask me why I am letting it happen and how I am tolerating such behavior.

Maurice replies,

If I may ask the same, considering it seems you have known for awhile, why do you tolerate your husband’s actions?

She replies,

When I confronted him about the girls he told me if I was bothered by his social life then I should consider leaving or he leaves, he then said ‘if it isn’t broken don’t try and fix it’ meaning I should accept status quo and let things be. I still have my children to think about and they come first. I have been a house wife all along, I have no formal qualifications and at my age it is too late to pursue higher education, I don’t even have the time with my chores as a wife and mother. My husband is the bread winner, leaving him is not an option and despite the ordeals he puts me through I am still in-love with him.

Maurice replies,

Does your husband expect his conjugal rights? He is most likely sexually active with other women, do you know if he uses protection?

She replies,

Yes he demands for sex. I’m not sure if he uses protection with other women.

Maurice replies,

That is a big concern to me and you should not risk your health just in the name of satisfying your husband’s needs. I know you are not going to leave your husband, that is very clear, but please do find out if he uses protection and also visit a clinic for an HIV test, it is paramount that you confirm your status at this point and time. If you choose to continue having sex with your husband, use protection. Please note, it is never too late to make changes in your life, yes it’s easier said than done, however ‘to move on’ is your choice to make. Knowing what you know I urge you not to risk your life, your husband could give you an STI or STD. Do something to protect you before the worst befalls you.

Dear Maurice,

My marriage may be coming to the end of the road and I am afraid of being alone and even worse the thought of having failed is killing me.

Maurice asks,

What is wrong my dear?

She replies,

I had never caught my husband red handed before but 2 weeks ago I did. It was undoubtedly the worst day of my life.

Maurice asks,

So you have suspected your husband of cheating for a while?

She replies,

Rumours have it that he cheated on me on our wedding night during our after party. That was 13 years ago. I was mad but no one had proof of that deed so I let it go. Another incident occurred 4 years ago when he told me he was out of town on business yet he was seen by one of my girlfriends at a City bar & restaurant dining with another woman. When I confronted him about it he said he was out of town and that my friend was mistaken. That made me wonder; if it was true then he was either spending nights with her at her place or in a Hotel. For my own sanity I convinced myself that I was not that stupid or naïve not to notice an affair going on in-front of me, again I mentally dismissed the possibilities. In my eyes there was never any evidence or hint of infidelity.

Maurice asks,

What eventually led you to discover infidelity was taking place?

She replies,

Two weeks ago my hubby’s phone rang repeatedly, my first suspicion was drawn to the name saved, and it read ‘sweetz’ so I decided to answer it out of curiosity. No surprise, there was a female voice at the other end of the phone and I asked if I could help her, she replied, where is the owner of the phone? I then quoted the name of the owner and introduced myself as the wife. She suddenly went quiet for a few seconds upon which she said “I’m sorry it must be a wrong number”, I quickly replied, “I have no qualms with you” please tell me who you are. She replied, “I had no idea he was married”. We decided not to continue our dialogue on phone but to meet face to face. We did and she told me they had been dating for almost 6 months. At that juncture we decided that we had to set a trap for him to walk into.

Maurice replies,

Go on.

She replies,

We agreed that she would lure him to her apartment and I would be waiting for him in her bedroom. Our plan worked and he was led to the bedroom, he opened the door and there I was as quiet as a church mouse. Before I could say anything he turned and ran off, we watched him get into his car and drove off. I thanked her and left for home where I thought he had gone but he did not turn up that night. Two weeks later he has not come home, neither does he answer my calls or messages at his place of work. I still love him and I think I will for a long while but I need to move on without him, I need closure, what should I do?

Maurice replies,

First and foremost, you did not fail, your husband failed you. If you seek closure, then you need to face it head on, you must meet with him eventually and he should confess and apologise, if you want his apology that is. You must maintain a calm and collected conversation; tell him it’s about you not him and that he should give you the courtesy to speak your mind without interruption. Once you are done don’t give him the satisfaction or opportunity to explain his actions because at that point that is not what you need to hear, in my opinion. Moving on is never easy but it is far worse to sustain a marriage where your partner has betrayed you for a long time.