mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 4 years. We have one child. I am a stay at home wife. We have a business that I manage but I also have staff who keep it running when I can not be there. I am a very dedicated wife. Despite having a house help I like to keep myself busy with house chores. I really need your advice on my marriage, things are just not working out.

Maurice asks,

What is wrong?

She replies,

My husband is having another affair and this time round it is complicated and I have had enough of his infidelity and lies.

Maurice replies,

So you have been here before?

She replies,

Yes I have, plenty of times. When I met my husband we were both in high school and he was a woman’s man if you know what I mean. He was bright, handsome, a charmer who could melt you and whisk you away. He was very sporty with a great body. He was everything I ever wanted or needed in a man. We dated for 6 years and unless I was ignorant I never suspected or saw signs of him being a serial cheat. After we got married it was not long till he had his first taste of adultery. He was seeing multiple women. A University girl and a social worker who we met at a function. I contacted both women and they confirmed their affair with my husband. I forgave him and erased the events from my mind. That was within a year of marriage. Since then every year has seen another woman enter our life to the point I just gave up and let him be. I told myself that at least he comes home to me. Two weeks ago I received a call from a woman and she asked to see me about my husband. I insisted she tells me but she said she would only be able to tell me face to face.

Maurice asks,

So did you meet her?

She replies,

I was so curious I had to meet her. She had a 3 year old child with her and as I walked up to her table my instincts were later confirmed that the child was my husband’s. I was crashed, she was the under grad he had an affair with. She further let me know that my husband had been housing her and maintaining her lifestyle because she had been in-between jobs for the last 2 years. Why didn’t he trust me enough to tell me about having a child with another woman? I haven’t even asked him about it. I can not afford to have my marriage collapse.

Maurice replies,

For there to be any form of closure you need to talk about it with your husband. Tell him you know but you are not going to judge him, you only need the truth from him, and establish a mutual way forward if indeed you want to maintain status quo in your marriage.

She replies,

What if he chases me away and replaces me?

Maurice asks,

My dear despite your husband’s multiple affairs for some reason you have stayed with him. You have had the choice to leave but I am certain you do not want that option. At this point you have nothing to lose and you need to rationally confront him and be open to whatever he has to say. It is also in my opinion that you need to prepare yourself to share him officially or unofficially. I say this because I do not see your husband changing his ways, as you said when you met him he was a woman’s man. Unfortunately for you that character trait in him has been a constant.

Dear Maurice,

I am in a major dilemma and I need your advice. To be quite honest this dilemma begun a long time ago, it’s only now in 2013 that I am no longer in denial. Christmas was my calling card when I realized that the last time we actually had fun as a family was years ago. I have been married for 22 years and we have 2 kids who are all grown up and have flown the nest to pursue their university education. For the last 2 years we have had to force our kids to be home for Christmas. They would rather spend it with extended family or with their friends. My husband and I have always known the reason why the kids avoid being home but we have been in denial for a very long time.

Maurice asks,

What have you been in denial about?

She replies,

Our marriage experienced a disconnect about 4 years ago.

Maurice asks,

What caused that disconnect and please explain your dilemma?

She replies,

My husband traveled abroad on a work related project and he was away for 16 months. During that time he was away we were in-touch daily but it was not enough to maintain our marital bond. We communicated for awhile but with each call we were running out of things to tell each other and before we knew it we could go for days without talking. A combination of distance and our busy schedules just made it harder to rekindle what we once had. Since he returned home we have pretended that all is well but after what I heard a few days ago I have realized that there’s more to our lack of communication.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean?

She replies,

I over heard my husband talking to another woman. He told her that he loved her once but he can’t be with her because he has a family to take care of and that he loves his wife very much, he told her that what they had in Brussels was special but she needed to let go. He then hung up. That night while we were sleeping he held me so tight till morning. I should be mad but I am not. I want to save my marriage. I am in-love with this man, I don’t care that he may have had an affair in Brussels. I want to reconnect with my husband. What should I do?

Maurice replies,

First thing, you should never let him know that you over heard his conversation that will send him into living a guilt trip and most likely hamper your reconnection. Based on his actions your husband wants you as the woman in his life so have a heart to heart moment and tell each other what you miss most. To rekindle you must avoid discussing the negatives of the past. Instead you should fall back into doing the things you used to do and enjoy together. Make time for love, make it your number one priority because nothing you may be doing in your life is more important than your marriage right now. Men are usually slow at this rekindling but it is obvious that your husband wants to be with you, so if you have to lead him make the initiative to create that setting where you can nurture a loving environment. Before you know it your husband will take the lead and most likely use ideas you subtly gave him to pamper you as you rekindle your union.

She replies,

He must be living with guilt and I will help him forget the past. I am not excusing him but I was not supportive as his wife while he was away and that may have led him to seek another woman’s attention. One thing I have learned about you men over the last 22 years, is that you are more emotionally demanding, like toddlers, than women are and if you don’t receive attention you succumb to cheap thrills. Thank you Maurice.

Dude I need your opinion on my love life.

Maurice replies,

What is going on?

He replies,

I am dating a woman much older than me and I also have a girlfriend who is my age mate.

Maurice replies,

When you say older how much older?

He replies,

I am 21 years old and she is 42.

Maurice asks,

Continue….

He replies,

I really like the older woman and how she takes care of me and the things she has taught me over the last 2 years. But I think I love my girlfriend.

Maurice replies,

Now, stop right there. When you use the word love you do understand apart from the mental positive energy that comes with it a level of commitment is also attached.

He asks,

What do you mean?

Maurice replies,

Are you ready to be with one woman for the rest of your life and are you ready to support your alleged loved one and in time a baby or babies?

He replies,

I am not ready for all that, I am still in campus.

Maurice replies,

I am glad you said that and at 21 years of age you should be studying as your primary priority and having the social fun youth your age have and stop implanting love notions that you will not handle when your girlfriend demands that you commit to her. She may be your age mate but I am willing to bet her expectations are more long term than short.

He replies,

You are right she keeps talking about us having a family when we finish campus and start working yet we only started to see each other less than a year ago.

Maurice replies,

There you go. It is better to tell your girlfriend that you just want to have fun for now than to lead her on and break her heart after she has invested years into your unpredictable future. So what is the story with the older woman, will you continue to see her?

He replies,

Apart from liking her very much I don’t have the choice of leaving her because she pays for my education and maintenance. We can’t be together because she is married, we only see each other when she can get away. My parents live in Nakuru and can’t afford to educate me.

Maurice replies,

Well that is your life, but I must correct you on something. Apart from fun and sex of which I know she must like from you otherwise why maintain you, what else do you have in common with a 42 year old woman? Lets be realistic. The main reason she is seeing you is because of your sexual ability or ability to sexually follow instructions to her satisfaction, correct?

He replies,

Yes that is correct. What about my girlfriend’s mum?

Maurice asks,

You’ve lost me.

He replies,

My girlfriend and I are currently studying at the same campus in Nairobi and we are both from Nakuru.

Maurice replies,

I am still lost.

He replies,

I met my girlfriend through her mum. I am still with the mum.

Maurice replies,

I have a very creative mind but I hope you are not implying what I think you are. Are you sleeping with your girlfriend’s mum?

He replies,

Yes. She was one of my first experiences with an older woman.

Maurice asks,

From what age have you been with older women?

He replies,

Since I was 16. I don’t know why but I love older women. They know what they want and they don’t stress me like younger girls.

Maurice replies,

You are right older women do know what they want and they don’t stress you because at the moment they are the facilitators, the ones calling the shots without much expectation from you other than you company and sexual ability. That would drastically change if you were to get married to one of them and then she noticed you were not pulling your weight to assist her. Even though you must be feeling on top of the World the fact is you are merely providing a service as a younger man who can easily be manipulated for personal gain.

So lets recap this jungle of love you are in. You are currently maintained by an older woman and you are sleeping with your girlfriend and her mother. I have to ask, if you like older women so much why did you have to target your cougar’s daughter?

He replies,

While dating in Nakuru I got friendly with the daughter but only as friends. When she joined campus in Nairobi her mum asked me to look after her.

Maurice replies,

Something tells me your version of ‘looking after’ is very different to what you were asked to do.

He replies,

We were out one night and one thing led to another.

Maurice asks,

When in Nakuru how do you juggle your girlfriend and the mum?

He replies,

We agreed never to show our feelings in front of the mum, though my girlfriend is finding it harder to pretend with every visit.

Maurice replies, ‘you think’. It must be painful for her to see you with her mum and that is why I strongly recommend that you detach yourself with one of them, though either way you are doomed, that’s my personal opinion.

He replies,

This is complicated. How do I choose?

Maurice replies,

What you need to ask yourself is what future do you want, are you working hard in campus so as to one day stand on your own two feet without relying on anyone? If so, who is currently adding value to your life so that you can reach your future goals. If you can separate fun from the realities of life then I am confident you will make the right choice.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 2 years. I am 25 years old and my husband is 29. We met 5 years ago and it was love at first sight. At the time I was pursuing my under grad education and my husband was already pursuing his career. We knew we were destined together because we had similar vision for the future and that is why I stuck by his side and agreed to be his wife. But right now I am not content with our current progress in life.

Maurice asks,

What are you not content about?

She replies,

My husband had made certain promises to me before we got married and the key ones are as follows; he promised that we would move from our current residence to a more affluent suburb. He promised that we would have a joint bank account, there were no timelines but by now I thought it would be a reality. I do not want a man who I have to push for things to be done. As my husband it should come as second nature to implement what he promised.

Maurice asks,

Do you have kids?

She replies,

That is the other concern that I have. He made it clear that he is not ready to have kids.

Maurice asks,

When did he declare that he was not ready to have kids?

She replies,

It was 4 years ago while we were planning for our wedding.

Maurice asks,

So he had told you early enough to avoid surprises later after you were married?

She replies,

Yes, and I respected his honesty but I thought almost 3 years into our marriage he would stop using condoms. He is so careful that he insists that we practice safe sex until he is ready to impregnate me. I do not feel like his wife. Sometimes I fear that he may never want kids with me, maybe at one point he realized that I am not wife material for him, could that be the case?

Maurice replies,

Before I can answer you please tell me why you think your husband does not want to move from your current home?

She replies,

He has lived within our area of residence all his life. His family and friends are all around us and he does not want to move to unfamiliar territory as he puts it, plus he is always saying that other places are over priced and will affect our disposable cash and yet I know we can afford to move to my preferred area and live comfortably.

Maurice replies,

If you can answer yes to ‘is your husband a loving man’, and despite everything ‘do you believe that he is in his own way serving your best interests’? Then value your marriage unity and harmony over all other ambitions. Eventually you will most likely move to your preferred residence but give it time. Your marriage is still at its infancy and you need to nurture it first as you set realistic mutual timelines to achieve your financial, career and lifestyle ambitions. One last piece of advice,  a woman who ceases to pressure her husband but patiently pushes and nurtures him over years usually prevails.

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To the ladies.

You could pressure your man to gain something but while you gain you lose the one thing this is most valuable ‘your man’. So please let decisions be mutual and not done out of pressure or obligation. Especially with today’s economic times, too often have I seen men walk out of their marriage because they could not keep up with lifestyle demanded by their spouse.

And to the men out there, it is more manly to declare what you can afford and sustain than to attempt to impressive through a struggle that will inevitably wear you down. If your spouse has the mentally of growing together you will prevail as a couple but if she is the kind of woman who lives on the ‘fast lane’ then like Luke Skywalker may the forces be with you.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 6 years with 2 children. My husband has provided for his family as expected and he has been a good husband and father to our children. I met my husband 8 years ago while studying abroad. He was also pursuing further education in the same University. We met and within a period of 5 months we started to date. By the end of a year we were in-love with each other and planning our future which has led us to this point.

Maurice asks,

So what seems to be the issue?

She replies,

What I have recently found out is that my husband had a secret life.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean by that?

She replies,

My husband runs his own business and every year he makes business trips to Europe and the Far East and what I have unveiled is that during those trips he pays a visit to a certain woman whom they have a child together. What is clear is that the child was born during our first year together while studying abroad.

Maurice asks,

How did you find out?

She replies,

A few weeks ago I was clearing out our garage and I happened to come across a rectangular box which was well hidden, filled with curiosity I went through it. Only to find letters that date back 10 years. These letters were correspondence between my husband and this other woman. As I read through them I realized that their bond was more than just a fling. I suspect they were in-love but something went wrong and was kept a secret hence why he never spoke of her. That said, they have kept in-touch despite their fall out. I found photos of a child, that child is my husband’s son.

Maurice asks,

Is your husband aware that you know about his past?

She replies,

The other day I kind of brought up a hypothetical scenario where I asked if there was anything in our past would we be able to talk about it freely as a trusting couple. I know my husband’s reactions and his face was light up with guilt, he avoided eye contact with me and he even attempted to change the topic. I did my best not to show it but I felt betrayed. After 6 years of marriage here is a man I worship as my husband but he could not confide in me and tell me about his past. He should have told me and I would have understood and supported him. How do I continue pretending I don’t know about his secret family and what impact will it have if I reveal that I know?

Maurice replies,

Like many men who fear unknown repercussion your husband years ago decided to manage his secret alone. Right now how you handle your approach will determine your future. I recommend that you calming and rationally reveal what you know without judgment. It is paramount that your husband feels that you are on his side and you want to hear his side of the story and that you are behind him 100%. At that point let him be so that he can open up at his own time without pressure.

Dear Maurice,

I am in need of your advice I have messed up big time and I need to salvage my marriage. We have been married for 9 years. For 9 years I was more or less the most faithful and loving wife a man could ever want. I am also a good mother to our only child who is 6 years old. In that 9 years I have been there by my husband’s side, I have been an extremely patient wife. We both work but I have always made sure that I cooked most of the evenings despite having a trained maid who is more than capable. I wanted to be the model wife, someone my husband can be proud of but over the years I realized that my efforts and commitments were not going to receive any appreciation in the way I would have liked.

Maurice asks,

What were you expecting and hasn’t your husband every complimented on your efforts?

She replies,

I expected him to notice every time I would go out of my way to make him a special meal which was at least 4 times a week. I put my every thing into pleasing him but he would only say that the food was great as a passing comment. I never felt as if it came from his heart. When we dated he would help with the dishes sometimes but after we got married it’s like he forgot where the kitchen is.

Maurice asks,

Is he currently not a good husband?

Don’t get me wrong he is a great provider and he plays his part well but emotionally I haven’t felt connected in a long time. Which leads me to the main issue. I had a moment of weakness and I shared a passionate kiss with a friend who I always suspected of having a crush on me but paid it no attention till a week ago while socializing we kissed and I loved that moment. I am not justifying my actions but I haven’t felt like a woman in a long time. My husband is always at work or at home so I know he doesn’t play around and yet I was weak enough to ignore my vows and I kissed another man and I don’t regret the kiss and how I felt but I regret my actions as a married woman. I probably sound crazy but I want your opinion. Do I tell my husband and get it out of my system?

Maurice asks,

Do you have feelings for this other man and have you been thinking about him?

She replies,

I don’t love him but I still need him in my life as complicated as it will be. I know I love my husband and he loves me.

Maurice replies,

There’s no justification as you said however those moments do arise that sway you to your predicament. If indeed you want to stay married and attempt to rekindle a time you were connected to your husband then I would advice that you do not stir up negative energy by confessing. Concentrate on dialogue with your husband from now on. I can not tell you to choose your friends but your male friend is a negative distraction and will not aid in rekindling with your husband. Begin to do the things you used to have fun doing together and make time for each other. The transition of communication will not be easy neither will it yield instant results but it is time you stopped feeling lonely and began to feel like a woman from the attention you receive exclusively from your husband.

Dear Maurice,

My marriage is in serious turmoil and I guess it has been so for a long while but I pretended that everything was fine in the hope that all would be well one day. It has gotten worse over the years and I do not know how much more I can take.

Maurice asks,

What is the issue in your marriage and what has been brewing for a long while?

She replies,

I was married at the age of 23. I am 32 years old and I hate my life. The only good that has come out of my marriage are my 2 kids whom I cherish more than anyone or anything. It is because of them that I seek advice. Looking back now it is as clear as day that my husband only married me because I was pretty and utterly naïve about men. He showered me with material love and I was draw in by all the riches and pampering that I received.

Maurice asks,

How long did you know each other before marriage?

She replies,

As I was turning 19 we met and I fell in-love, what I fell in-love with is what is haunting me today. A year into our marriage I saw signs of trouble but as women do, I ignored all the sirens that were going off. I was determined to mold him into the perfect man. I must admit into our 3^rd year I realized that molding him was a futile endeavor.

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband?

She replies,

My husband is 42. Because he comes from a wealthy background he has always treated me like his property. I have been a trophy wife from the beginning. Even his mother warned me when we were dating. She was very sober about acknowledging that she raised a womanizer who was spoilt from infancy and she wishes she could have done better with him but I did not take her subtle warning to heart. My husband has had countless affairs and has never said sorry, if anything he has reminded me that without him I would be nothing. I have all the wealth a woman can want but I am so unhappy. I have over the years contemplated cheating but that would be breaking my vows that I took seriously so I have sacrifices for my kids however I have reached my threshold. I need to break away. I have implied that I could leave him and he has shown no concern, which only means it would not bother him, that really hurts. But if I leave will it not affect the kids?

Maurice asks,

My dear what will affect the kids more is seeing their mother constantly unhappy. Kids are actually able to adapt to situations and depending on their age and exposure many actually sense friction between their parents. It is better to raise them in an environment where you can resonate a positive mood and affection on a daily basis. Let them have access to their father but you do not need to inflict anymore emotional pain on yourself in the name of protecting your children.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 14 years. We have 3 grown up kids who have all left the home which leaves me and our two maids. I say this because for the last 5 years my husband has been an elusive figure in our home. Like a wild animal I think he only comes home to feed or to mate when his masculine instincts kick in. Couples have their ups and downs but this to my horror has dragged for far too long. How do I get my husband’s attention?

Maurice replies,

Firstly, 5 years is a long time to maintain a routine in one’s lifestyle so getting your husband to switch gears is going to be a tall order. When he is being elusive as you say, have you any idea where he goes?

She replies,

He is mostly with his friends at our local golf club or seeking out new social places.

Maurice asks,

Why are you not with him when he is out?

She replies,

I have never been an out doors person, to be perfectly honest it has been pretty difficult catching up and putting up with my husband’s social life. I also do not particularly like his friends. I believe a good majority are a bad influence.

Maurice asks,

Bad influence how?

She replies,

My husband is one of the older group members. He has always hanged out with younger friends. I don’t know if that makes him feel youthful but I wish he would make me his priority and not them.

Maurice asks,

Are you telling me that from the beginning you have tolerated your husband’s social life and never once enjoyed being part of his social circle?

She replies,

I married at 20 and my husband is 12 years my senior. He is all I have ever known. I have always fought for his attention but he always fought for his freedom.

Maurice asks,

Do you believe your husband loves you and has he ever given you a reason to doubt his fidelity?

She replies,

Yes I do believe he loves me and no he has never shown signs of infidelity. He just loves his social life too much. I know he works hard to sustain our lifestyle, and he has been a wonderful father to our kids but I don’t seem to get a piece of him when I need him. Whenever I confront him about his time share, he says I should mingle within his circles and that I should stop fussing.

Maurice replies,

I am convinced that your lack of social compatibility has been and still is your primary hurdle. My dear you need to open your mind to the reality that your husband will not transform into that man whom you want him to be. Based on what you have implied he has invited you to join him but you have be stubborn and declined his offers in the hope that he will relent and in doing so you have created a valley between you and your husband. I urge you to swallow that bitter pill and join him, appreciate that you have a loving husband and take that as a positive and join him in the environment he enjoys the most.  Cease the moment and start a fresh.