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Dear Maurice,

I have only been married for 9 months and already things have changed in our home. I am 26 and he is 31.

Maurice asks,

What has changed?

She replies,

My husband has been coming home at 2am and sometimes at 5am even on week days and yet he has to go to work.

Maurice asks,

Was this his character before you got married?

She replies,

In the 4 years I have known him he has always liked his outings but we were mostly together and if we were out late it was during the weekend. For some reason after our honeymoon he changed. He leaves me at home and never bothers to inform me of his whereabouts. When I text him he does not reply so I get worried. I call his phone and sometimes he answers and sometimes he does not bother. I need to ask, am I becoming the stay home wife who will eventually have to chase their man begging him to come home? If that is the case I would rather not go on and bail before a life of misery befalls me.

Maurice asks,

What does he say when you confront him?

She replies,

When he gets home most of the time it is pointless talking to him, he is drunk and when he does speak he says “we’ll talk tomorrow let me rest”. He then goes on a mission of invading that discussion. Its a circle, our sex life has been affected. There is no connection. I miss the way we were, the laughs and the way we occasionally cooked together and enjoy our wine.

Maurice asks,

Did you live together before marriage?

She replies,

No. We were dating but we did not live in the same town. Luckily the company I work for has branches around the Country so I transferred to make sure our marriage would work.

Maurice asks,

How much time did you spend together while you were dating considering you lived in different towns?

She replies,

Every other weekend one of us would visit the other and on long weekends we would milk every minute. It was fun when we were dating but currently I do not recognise the man I an living with. The only positive I can think of is the weekly flowers I receive at the office. But I would rather have his attention I don’t care much for treats. There is a weekend I was away with my girlfriends and during that whole time he did not call to check up on me, all I received was a text saying ‘safe trip love you’.

Maurice asks,

I need an honest non emotional answer, why did you get married?

She replies,

After 4 years of dating we thought it was the next step to affirming our relationship. I needed his commitment, I want a family and I can only have that with a man I am married to. Does that make sense?

Maurice replies,

Yes and no. Yes because you wanted to move your relationship to the next level as people say ‘especially women’ but no because your union affirmation was based on gaining a status in society and there lies your root problem hence your predicament. Like many women you wanted a ‘serious’ relationship, whatever that means and the variables of that type of foundation have led you to your current dilemma.

She replies,

Maurice, are you saying my husband was not ready for marriage?

Maurice replies,

No, what I am saying is that your husband most likely fulfilled your need to become a wife. For him nothing has changed, by any chance have you in any way hinted he needs to be more responsible now that he is your husband?

She replies,

I have done what any woman would do and told him that in marriage one must change and focus on other things apart from having fun and taking road trips. If we are to start a family we need to get our priorities in order.

Maurice replies,

My dear, I hear you loud and clear but the problem is that your expectations are not aligned with his. If anything based on dealing with similar cases your husband is most likely pushed away by the changes he knows he has to make to satisfy your future expectations. What you desire to move forward in your relationship makes sense but it has to be mutual for it to impact positively. For now I believe your husband has put up a fence and gone on the defensive which for many men translates to ‘keeping away’ to avoid confrontation or arguments. What was once fun has turned serious for your husband and unfortunately that has altered his mindset.

The average couple, who live together, in our modern busy World see each other 10 to 15 hours per week, and I am not talking about actual quality time. Even though you have dated for 4 years your accumulated time together in my opinion was not enough time to get into matrimony. I recommend that you seek guidance from an impartial professional so that the facts can be laid down and hopefully that platform will allow both of you to open up and state your true feelings. The outcome of that forum will steer your relationship. I am here if you need me.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been reading your blog for close to one year and I am in need of your advice. I have been having an affair with my boy’s wife.

Maurice asks,

Are you going through a guilty trip and for how long have you had the affair?

He replies,

That there is the problem, I am not feeling guilty and neither is she. Her husband left for a job abroad 3 years ago. He visits 3 to 4 times a year. This is so complicated, we are in love, its been 14 months of pure bliss.

Maurice asks,

Do they have kids?

He replies,

They have known each other for 5 years but married for 3 years. It was literally 4 months after the wedding that he was offered his current job. They planned to have kids but he left. They are both career people so having kids took a back seat.

Maurice asks,

And you took the front seat. I am curious, despite the fact that people around the globe have affairs when you say he is your boy, were you close and if so why his wife when there are so many women out there?

He replied,

We did not plan to fall for each other. I have known him for 11 years.

Maurice asks,

How much time have you been spending with her since he left?

He replies,

I know I am going to sound like a right brat but he asked me to take care of her while he was away so I have been seeing her every week since he left.

Maurice replies,

Well, something tells me ‘taking care of his wife’ did not involve ruining his marriage but at least you acknowledge that you have been a right brat when it comes to making the right choices. Now that you profess to be in love is your friend in the picture of things, or are you simmering a strategy of how to tell him.

He replies,

We are clueless. We thought to Skype him before he comes home next month. He will be home for 6 weeks and she does not want to pretend and share the same bed with him. We need a way of explaining what happened was not planned, we need him to understand that it was not a way of hurting him its just two people who fell in love.

Maurice replies,

My good man, there is no soft landing for your friend. The news is going to hit him hard. His wife betrayed him with his friend and you, the man he trusted broke the friend’s code ‘wives are off limits’. There is no way he will take this lightly.

I need to ask, by any chance do you know the intervals of his communication to his wife?

He replies,

Yes, he Skypes her every day especially at night between 9pm and 2am. When she is out they communicate via whatsapp.

Maurice asks,

And you know this how exactly?

He replies,

Its been over a year since our affair so I have been around whenever he calls.

Maurice replies,

So she has been spending time at your place?

He replies,

Sometimes she comes over or I go to her place.

Maurice replies,

In short, you have been sleeping with your friend’s wife in his bed?

He replies,

I know it sounds bad.

Maurice replies,

Mate, sounding bad is an under statement, it is crossing the line and beyond, having an affair is one thing but doing it in his territory is unacceptable. I strongly advice that you both face the music, the news must come from the two of you and you must have a mediator present. There is no telling how he will react but your experience will not be a walk in the Park.

The fact is couples fall out of love for many reasons or circumstances and that is part of life. The problem here is that you are no stranger, the man who is about to come home hoping to be received positively trusted you and you took his wife from him. Prepare to face the music and you also need to know that once your circle of friends get a whisper of your affair the men in your social circle will most likely keep you at arm’s length. I hope the sacrifices deriving from this affair will be worth it for the both of you.

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Dear Maurice,

I am 28 and my husband is 29. I have been married for 2 years to the sweetest most loving man you can ever find but I think I have a problem.

Maurice asks,

What is your problem?

She replies,

I live a secret life and for the last 3 years I have wondered why my husband has not noticed or may be he has and just ignores it.

Maurice replies,

You need to expound on the problem.

She replies,

Since I was 18 I have always had a taste for older men who cannot resit me, men much older than my husband, and for obvious reasons. Mainly because they can provide financial assistance and security. I graduated and I have a great job that pays well but I have also gained a lot from men over the years. I own property worth 74 million; two apartments and one town house but my husband only knows of one apartment which he thinks I bought as my own investment. He is the first man I have ever cared for, I can say I have loved men in my past but when I really think about it I loved what they could offer me.

Maurice asks,

So how can I help, do you need to open up to your husband and confess?

She replies,

I highly doubt he would forgive me so am not sure if that is an option. My issue is that my husband travels a lot and during his travel I find myself involved with my old circle of friends or should I call them ex boyfriends. They still show me attention and its like I am addicted to their lure. Their capacity to provide material wealth and assets turns me on and it has had me hooked for years.

Maurice asks,

Is it just the thrill of being pampered or are you sexually involved?

She replies,

Excluding my husband there are two other men in my life. I have been unable to break away from their hold and I can not understand why because I am not lacking at home. I am sexually active with them and it only feels wrong after the act but still after years of telling myself its not worth it I find myself caught in their web more often than not. Did I mention they are both married.

Maurice replies,

So let me get the facts right, there is nothing wrong with your husband, its you and your addiction for the thrills the other men give you?

She replies,

Correct.

Maurice asks,

If I may ask considering you have been living this other life for years even after marriage why is it a problem now, have the dynamics changed?

She replies,

With each passing year I feel more and more guilty because my husband deserves better. How do I break away?

Maurice replies,

This is my opinion of your scenario. You are not a loner. You hate the feeling of loneliness so when your husband travels your long term craving kicks in and that drives you to these men who are most likely receiving an extra buzz because you are married and still you run to them whenever the opportunity presents itself. When your husband is home do sneak away?

She replies,

No, only when he travels.

Maurice replies,

There you go. Your character does not allow boredom. Unfortunately instead of indulging in hobbies or socializing with positive influences you end up being led astray by your engraved social circle of bad influence. No amount of therapy alone will snap you away from your current trend. Only you can make that conscious choice if indeed you value your marriage. Cheap thrills would make sense if you had no obligations to anyone, but right now those thrills will cost you your marriage.

She replies,

Do I tell my husband about my other assets?

Maurice replies,

Well, considering you said he would not forgive you I would advice against it. Why open Pandora’s box if you are sure of the outcome. Actually telling him is not the problem, what you will face is a line of questioning because he will be curious about how and when you acquired your assets. Are you prepared to take on his curiosity and if yes will you risk telling him the truth, and if you lie about your assets you will create a snow ball of serial deception. The first step to a brighter future with your husband is accepting you have a problem which you have, the second step will be the path you choose to take.

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Dear Maurice,

It was good to finally meet you. I attended a bridal shower where you were the speaker and a scenario you described hit home with me. I am currently in a situation of my own making and I don’t know why it has become such a big deal.

Maurice asks,

What is going on?

She replies,

At the session you describe a woman who was shopping and happened to have met her ex boyfriend with his family. You described her reaction when she saw her ex with his family looking so happy. You said she was not a happy bunny thereafter. I must confess I went through the same thing but my situation did not end at the shopping centre.

Maurice replies,

Expound.

She replies,

At the time I met my ex I was with my husband and it was my ex who saw me and after 8 years I was surprised he still recognised me, I am not the size 8 girl he once dated. Anyway, he came over with his wife and said hello. I thought to myself ‘what an awkward moment’ but little did I know my husband was going to make it worst after we introduced ourselves as old friends from back in the day.

Maurice asks,

What did your husband do?

She replies,

He invited them to join us for a drink the next day and my ex said “yes that sounds great”. That drink up transformed into a dinner, the two men had exchanged numbers and between them decided that a local drink up would not be appropriate so they arranged a double date kind of dinner and to my horror they both love Chinese food. It was the most tense dinner ever. Making up stories of how we know each other and why we lost touch. All this time my ex’s wife was quite sociable but you could tell she had question marks.

Maurice replies,

So from what I have visualized you had an awkward meeting and dinner with your ex, but where is the problem?

She replies,

I hate myself for feeling this way but I was jealous of my ex because he looked happy, his wife was very touchy with him and they stole moments and kissed several times during the dinner.

Maurice replies,

I am guessing you and your husband don’t have those moments currently?

She replies,

We have never had those moments. Seeing my ex with his wife reminded me of how we used to be together. Its like she replaced me. We used to have so much fun together and with our mutual friends. My ex is a fun loving guy and it was no surprise that he is still the same man and with his fun loving nature he still found a woman who agreed to marry him. I recall a close girlfriend told me I would live to regret leaving such a guy. But at the time I had to.

Maurice replies,

Let me guess. You left him because you thought he would never grow up to be a responsible stable husband?

She replies,

I could not believe they have 2 children and they only live about 10 minutes from our home and have done for the last 5 years.

Maurice replies,

Something tells me things for you have changed since that dinner.

She replies,

Maurice, I want to ask him out for a coffee. I am curious about so many things. Why is he so happy and I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband for who he is but we have never shared that magic, that connection that gives you goosebumps.

Maurice replies,

My dear. If you are asking me whether you should go on that coffee date then the answer is no. Why, because as innocent as those coffee dates may seem they also manifest into affairs that damage families. Tell me the truth, if he held you and attempted to kiss you would you kiss him back?

She replies,

Yes I would.

Maurice replies,

Your own admission should tell you that any further prolonged contact with your ex will be detrimental to your marriage and why create an avenue that could also damage his marriage. I know you careless about the other woman but why plant a seed that could break her family. Considering he may be faithfully in love with his wife he may reject you, do you really want to take that risk, either way you will not come out as a winner.

Before you met your ex at the shopping centre did you feel like kissing anyone else? You may not have that magic with your husband but is your marriage working? Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. Temptation is everywhere but sometimes it can lead you to a much darker place. You made the choice to leave your ex so be content with the man you have. You have not described your husband as a horrible irresponsible husband all you seek right now is a cheap thrill from memories of the past and I don’t see the point of embarking on that non productive journey.

She replies,

Maurice, I agree with you but I keep thinking about what could have been. I think I am going nuts, at work I think about him and even while driving home, its like he is haunting me. He and my husband have been communicating so what is a girl to do if that temptation is forced upon you.

Maurice replies,

I highly doubt they are going to become best of friends and regularly hang out so what you need to do is cleverly discourage any further contact. If you have to you need to tell your ex that for the sake of both your marriages further contact needs to be terminated.

She replies,

Why do I not have that magical connection with my hubby?

Maurice replies,

Its simple, your social compatibility was with your ex, not everyone we fall for or marry will be able to bridge or fulfill every social element. You had a criteria that made your current husband the man you would marry. Like I said you need to be content with your husband if you aim to continue being married to him. Your husband may not be that playful fun liberal guy your ex was but you chose him, when he proposed you said yes and when you were courting I am sure you compared him to your past experiences and yet you went along and became his wife. I would like to bet that part of your criteria was his ability to provide security which majority of women seek in a man when they want to ‘settle down’. A chance meeting with your ex should not dictate or redirect your affections. Refocus on your marriage and make the most of it.

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To my readers,

I want to thank you for your support over the years. You are my driving force and without you I wouldn’t have my current readership. Thank you for your referrals and loyalty.

I want to thank those ladies that have allowed sessions to take place in their home.

I would like to urge those interested to text or whatsapp me 0720229351 (whatsapp preferred) so we can create a mixed gender group and agree on a date, place and time to host a mixed forum to discuss ‘why relationships are not working’. The sessions will create a platform for both men and women to express their thoughts on many social dynamics their make relationship a challenge.  It is NOT a forum to judge or be judged. It’s about time the truth about individual sentiments came out so relationships can move forward.

To the men, women have constantly accused you of being ignorant I would like to believe that not all men deserve that label so please contact me and tell me you want to join the mixed forum (indicate your name). Please note: for me to organise an open session its all about numbers. As much as I love to help people in their relationships it has to make financial sense for the session to take place. Numbers also make the individual fee affordable. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Dear Maurice,

I am happily married but it seems I am the only one in my marriage that is generally happy.

Maurice replies,

Please explain.

He replies,

When my wife was my girlfriend for the first 9 months she was my dream girl doing things that I would like my woman to do for me willingly not because she has to. I am happy being a husband unlike some of my friends who wish they cold reverse time and be bachelors again. I have a click of 6 friends and I think only one is happy in their marriage, the stats are not good. Anyway back to my case. We have now been together for 3 years and frankly I am lonely. If I was to describe my life, it is a routine, I go to work to provide for my wife and I come home by 6pm everyday. When I am going to be late I always tell her and to be honest my party animal days are no longer in my system so by 10 pm I am normally home. I may sound like a boring guy but I am far from it. My life routine is there intentionally so that I limit scenarios of temptation. It is a choice I made when we got married. Many marriages are not working because couple’s have not applied parameters within their marriage. For instance, why should I be in Nakuru for the weekend and my wife is in the Mara, in my opinion, that detachment when it becomes a part of your lifestyle then the fire between you burns out. I have done everything in my power to be that near perfect husband but my wife takes me for granted. I give her what she wants and I do it willingly. But when it comes to my unique needs she is failing. I used to get breakfast in bed but nowadays I must ask for it which kills the romance. Sometimes I will come home only for her to tell me she was not in the mood to cook so I get into the car and get us a take out without making a fuss but deep inside I know I am hurting because there was no effort made.

Maurice replies,

Let me take you back to the first 9 months. I am glad you are sharing your story because your predicament is common and most of the men usually have the same issues. Its always about what they miss in their woman. They miss the undivided attention they used to receive which in my opinion makes all men feel like men. Many men miss the way their woman used to get up in a happy mood and the first thing she would do is give you that morning kiss. Women don’t seem to realise that there are little things that men like about them. It could be a smile, it could be a particular meal or place you used to visit that links the two of you.

He replies,

I relate to all the above. There is a way I love my pancakes in the morning and she used to present them so well but somewhere down the line she has assumed that I no longer need pampering. I miss the days we would shower together and soap each other and basically get silly and playful whenever we got the chance.

Maurice replies,

You have hit the nail on the head. Men love to be pampered just as much as women and some women unfortunately take that for granted. The truth of the matter is that some women do not deserve the men they have because they never know what they had until that person is long gone. Have you talked to your wife. Is she aware that you are actually hurting?

He replies,

Maurice I have told her in all forms of communication. I have even gone as far as writing her a detailed email of which she had the following to say “I don’t know why you wrote that email, if you have your own issues deal with them, stop painting me as the bad person in this relationship”. That was 2 months ago. Since then I have kept a low profile. Its hard to communicate with someone who dismisses your calls for dialogue. Our sex life is dead and I am lonely to the point where for the first time ever I am looking at other women with lust. I am not trying to play ‘mr good guy’ I am just trying to keep to my vows but my wife can’t see that. Before I proposed I made a conscious decision to stick to one woman otherwise why marry a woman only to hurt her by cheating on her. I am almost at the end of the road. I try and imagine if we had a child it would probably be worst if that is possible, I hate the feeling but I am glad that we don’t have a child. I hardly recognise the woman I live with, experiencing trials in marriage is normal I guess but if you ask me after she gained the ‘Mrs’ status she changed. Maurice what do I do I have given my all to a woman who refuses to see she is pushing me away, do I have to focus my attention elsewhere for her to notice I no longer desire her?

Maurice replies,

The answer is not diverting your attention elsewhere and I know at some point one can give up especially when you have tried your best to communicate. I am a big believer of if you have tried and gotten nowhere then focus on other things that make you happy for example when I want to clear my head I go night fishing or find a karaoke bar and sing my heart out. If your partner is committed to your marriage she will notice that you have focused on other things and hopefully question why and from that point you can engage in productive dialogue and mutually move forward. What I will advise against is receiving a stimulus from other women because that is a path that is difficult to break away from and if you truly want to rebuild your bond with your wife then another woman will not aid in that development. The ball is in your court, the choices you make will dictate the direction your marriage will take.

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Life is never a straight line and sometimes it throws at you scenarios that test your self worth. The emotion of love is powerful and it can cloud our judgement. It can make the most intelligent do unspeakable things. Love throws all logic out the window once someone is experiencing a rough patch but your life above all is worth more than any one person. I received the following disturbing email and I replied based on facts not emotional disposition.

Dear Maurice,

I am 28 and I am in love with a girl who keeps hurting me with a lot of deception. Even though she communicates regularly I have established that sometimes her communication is her way of monitoring my movements so that she can perform her deeds knowing exactly where I am and what I am doing. The other day I went to her place and found a used condom under her bed. Since then she has gone silent, not answering my calls and it is clear she has been cheating on me. I suspected her betrayal for sometime but I did not want to believe she would do that to me after I have been there for her when everyone was not. I finance her and her campus education and I treat her to the best of my ability. I am lost for words, I am not married and I do not play around with other girls. If anything I was hoping to propose to her after she graduates next year.

I feel like my World has fallen apart. She has been my driving force. I work hard to make sure I can give her a bright future but now I have nothing to live for, I have thought of ending my life so that she can feel the hurt I am feeling. Please help me.

Maurice replies,

Let me stop you there. Your predicament is unfortunate but your ending statement is illogical. Life is at times unfair but you always have a choice, making the right one is not easy especially when emotions are in the way of basic logic but taking your own life is not the answer and it will never amount to anything but death. Do you think killing yourself will make her hurt forever, then you are mistaken. She will hurt if at all she really cared for you but she will hurt for a while and eventually recover. The one thing that will not be reversable is that you will be dead, there is no coming back from that.

Let me break it down for you and forgive me for being brutally blunt but you need to know the real facts. First, life will continue without you. She will move on to the next man and you will be nothing but a statistic to her. While she is riding some other guy moaning above ground you will be 6 feet under ‘silent like a church mouse’.

This is what I recommend, sit down and list all the people you love especially your immediate family and ask yourself how your physical absence in their life will affect them, you will be gone forever, they will only have a memory of you, is that what you want them to go through because of some girl! Is she really worth your life? The people who care and love you unconditionally will host memorials to celebrate your life but she will not be party to those ceremonies. Her life will go on and your’s will be over.  Look at it this way, you fell while running and now you must get up dust yourself off and learn from this experience. Life is short, don’t make it any shorter. Do not contemplate revenge of any kind. You said you usually work hard, well now do it for you, move up in life, acquire your dreams, perhaps your dream car and let her watch you progress without her and trust me she will notice and perhaps she will attempt to redeem herself but again back to choices we make in life, you need to move forward and view her has your past. Take that negative energy you have within you and turn it into something positive, something that will add value to your life.

He replies (6 days later),

Maurice I want to thank you for your honestly. Before approaching you all my friends could tell me is that there are plenty of girls, they did not touch on the emotional element. I actually feel stupid that I wrote to you about killing myself but I guess it was my way of venting and I needed someone to wake me up from the emotional bubble. I invested 3 years of myself and all I gort back was her back stabbing me but like you have said I am going to take this as a lesson learnt and move on my my life. Yesterday she text me “I am sorry baby I love you we need to talk” and truth be told I almost replied but I will take your advice and move on before her negative influence drains me.

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Dear Maurice,

About 8 months ago I met this amazing guy and we hit it off and started to see each other regularly and that has now developed into a relationship. When we are together I feel great and he treats me like no other has.

Maurice replies,

I am waiting for the but….

She replies,

I have a man but he is abroad but at one point he will be returning to claim me as his wife. We talk frequently and this other guy knows about him. How can I love two men, is it possible or must one eventually fade away?

Maurice replies,

That is a tricky predicament. Some may tell you to pick the one who is more serious which in a Kenyan context is referring to the man who seems to be the obvious husband material ‘whatever that means’. That was rude of me to assume, you are Kenyan right?

She replies,

Yes I am. My friends have been telling me the same thing. That I should concentrate on the one who will add value to my live. The one who will marry me and take care of me.

Maurice replies,

That sounds very encouraging and somewhat practical but will you be happy with the man who fulfills that criteria. There are plenty of women who have acquired the ‘Mrs’ status but they are miserable at home alone with no emotional or physical connection with their alleged love of their life aka husband. I have a feeling that you want direction from me but sometimes your instincts will favour the right guy for you, the question is will you follow your instincts or will you settle for the man who fits the bill financially.

The worst thing you can do is settle because after a while life will shine a light on the one you should have picked. You will then probably reconnect with him as your side dish and before you know it you will be having an affair that may be far sweeter than your marriage. The other guy might as well be your second husband because of the bond you will most likely have. Living a double life is not easy but you won’t be the first nor last if you ever end up in that predicament.

She replies,

Speaking of husbands and double life, the other guy is married with a family. He is not happy at home but he was honest enough to tell me what I was getting into. The one thing I like about him is that he is real. He does not mince his words neither does he give me false hope about our future. He can never be mine but we cannot leave each other. He does not know this but when he comes to my place I feel complete and his love is so obvious with the little things he does for me.

Maurice replies,

The reality of things is that at one point your man will return to claim you as you put it and if indeed this other guy is in love with you he will definitely get hurt when you pull back from him to give your attention to your potential future husband.

She replies,

Maurice, what do I do? I do not want to regret my choice.

Maurice replies,

I cannot steer you to the right man for you because only your feelings know who that man is. All I can advice is that you go with that man who gives you goosebumps whenever you look at your phone’s caller ID and its him calling you. The man that induces excitement, the one that makes you smile like an idiot in public and people around you are wondering why you are so happy. The man who spoons with you and there is no other place you would rather be but right there in his arms. That is the man you should keep.

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