mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have a problem that I need your advice on. I am 43, my husband is 47 and we have been married for 6 years but I have known my husband for 18 years and 4 months. I can say we have had our trials and tribulations over the years but we have always found a way to stay together and to keep the marriage going for better or worse.

Maurice replies,

What is the problem?

She replies,

For the last 3 years my husband has been jokingly hinting that he would marry another wife traditionally if I allowed it. My response has always been the same “over my dead body” then he just laughs. Unfortunately what was once passing as jokes and comments might be coming to reality. Last month we traveled upcountry for what I thought was a family gathering but it ended up being a blessing ceremony for my husband to receive a new bride. I was shocked, the turn out was so overwhelming. I knew protesting was going to be futile so I waited for our return to confront him about the unannounced ceremony of which he knew I would be against. He told me if I was unhappy about it I should think of leaving because he was destined to marry again and maintaining 2 wives is not an issue.

Maurice replies,

I am a bit curious; after 18 years of knowing him, did he never mention the possibility of marrying multiple wives especially before you were wed? I am just trying to establish a character pattern.

She replies,

Well, my husband was married before.

Maurice asks,

Were you just friends while he was married or was there more, and for how long was he married?

She replies,

He was married to a friend of a friend for just over 4 years, that is how we met and fell for each other but instead of marrying me he married his ex wife but I always knew he would end up as my husband. In my eyes he went through a phase and it ended. However I was not expecting him to want another wife. He is my soul mate and I can’t foresee sharing him with another woman. Please help me convince him that I am all he needs in his life. I know I sound desperate but then again may be I am. How do I get him to see sense?

Maurice replies,

If I may ask, what caused his previous marriage to end?

She replies,

His ex wife found out about our affair and finally left him go and took her 3 year old child with her.

Maurice replies,

In my opinion you are ignoring your husband’s characteristics that led him to date you and marry another, and then his ex wife left him because of his adulterous lifestyle with you. I would hate to judge but I strongly believe your husband will marry again and there’s nothing we can do to stop it from occurring. Who influenced your marriage, was it you or him?

She replies,

If you are implying I forced our marriage you are totally wrong. My husband loves me and that is why he married me, as I said it was only a matter of time for him to notice that I was the woman for him.

Maurice replies,

My dear you are denial, you are married to a man who chooses to do as he pleases, maybe at the beginning you were indeed soul mates but right now your man’s actions imply that he wants to stroke his ego and manage two homes or 2 wives. Either way, you only have two options; to leave him or to play by his rules. You have already had a taste of being the other woman so only you know if you can live with the new parameters set by your husband. I wish I had better news but those are the facts that you need to consider.

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Dear Maurice,

I am 41 years old with 2 kids; 12 years and 15 years. Not forgetting the biggest baby of the house my husband who is 44.

I say this because after 16 years of marriage I thought I knew my man well. I thought I had him all figured out but shock on me. For the last 11 years my husband and his friends, his boys, have been having nights out and he never lies to me about his whereabouts. I know he likes visiting strip clubs with his friends. For some odd coincidence they all have similar interests. My husband is like the youngest in the pack but he seems to call the shots when it comes to the social places they should visit. I am writing to you because I got tired of threatening my husband due to his obsession with these clubs, so I did a bit on reading online though some of the remedies did not go down well with me I eventually tried one that stated that if you give you husband the same atmosphere and freedom in your home backyard then you will not have to worry about him mingling with other women.

Maurice asks,

Oh, I can’t wait to hear what happen next, so you took him from the social arena and gave him your backyard as his playground. How did that turn out?

She replies,

When I proposed the idea, he was ok which surprised me because I thought he would fight me about his strip club obsession. I went for the idea and the next weekend from Friday to Saturday his friends came over with plenty of drinks and watched football or just sat at the garden and made noise.

Now here is my problem. I thought my man had the “hots” for strippers but clearly not as much as I suspected. For the last 4 months it’s been Friday and Saturday at our garden. I know I shouldn’t complain because my man is home and I don’t need to worry about the unknown but for how long will he and his friends have mini parties at our home.

Maurice asks,

Have you addressed this with your husband, have you told him you are uncomfortable with the current every weekend social gathering at your home?

She replies,

Maurice I am not a stupid woman. I know the minute I utter anything, they will return to their routine, plus we had a mutual agreement that once he shows me that he loves been around me even with his friends around I won’t bother him with complaints. My husband is not a bad man I just don’t like his habits.

Maurice comments,

Just to ease your mind. You may know this or you may not but majority of men who visit strip clubs only do it for the visual effect. For another percentage of men it becomes an addiction of sexual power. The power to buy a dance, and the power of paying for it. In most professional establishments there’s no bodily contact from the man, he can’t touch her it’s prohibited, for a man it’s just the visual stimulant and the ability to command as she displays her dancing styles. Then again, not all women will feel comfortable with the idea but just for your knowledge if your husband was a frequent brothel patron; now that would be an issue. Thankfully he is not. In short, most men when they fulfill their visual craving in strip clubs they finish their drink and go home. In my opinion your husband is not obsessed with other women; if he was he would not be turning your home into a weekend getaway. Question, I am assuming your greatest fear was not knowing what goes on at strip clubs?

She replies,

Yes that was my concern, so how do I fix this other matter?

Maurice replies,

You made a pact with your husband. Without saying that you think the weekend thing is excessive and you want his friends gone. The best thing is to tell him that you have something planned on either the Friday or the Saturday. You could stay indoors, go for a movie, go for a meal or drive out of town and enjoy being together. Honesty you don’t have an issue with your relationship, you just need to have a schedule and make sure it’s not too predicable. I believe your husband wants to be with you ‘till death do you part’ just balance out his bond with his friends without fighting and you will come so some agreement. Relationships are about communication, if you don’t ask or voice out you will never know what fruits may arise.

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Dear Maurice,

I have really messed things up this time round. I have turned to my close friends for help but none are sympathetic and for a good reason.  On 3rd of this month after we had all settled down in the house my husband received a call at around 7pm and decided to continue with the conversation in a different room. I was tempted to eaves drop but I didn’t. However I did hear him say “I can’t wait” then he kind of laughed. That rose my suspicious which was related to another incident that occurred 2 weeks prior and I couldn’t ignore it. When he fell asleep I went through his phone. I did not find any flirtatious texts but I had to know what was going on so I saved the number on my phone.

Maurice asks,

Did you call the number? And what incident do you speak of?

She replies,

Yes I did but not on that night I waited till the next day then at 10am I called. As for the incident I am getting to the point where everything will clear up so be patient. A woman answered and I asked her if she knew my husband and she said yes she does. I proceeded to interrogate her about how they know each other, in what capacity and why they were having conversations at night considering she knew he was a married man. She hesitated to give me straight answers which I must admit aggravated me; I was pretty abusive and made it very clear I did not want her to have contact with my husband. She persisted to act calm and tried to convince me that there was nothing sinister between her and my husband.

Maurice asks,

Why did you not give her time to tell her story, from your description it seems you dominated the conversation?

She replies,

Maurice I was angry, paranoid and praying that my husband of 8 years was not cheating on me. I had asked her how old she is and she said she was 26, that did not help and I think we both know why? I consider myself an attractive 38 year old but like many women sometimes younger women are not usually welcome around our husband’s. Anyway, everything went south when I called again in the evening and this time a man answered. I had indulged in a few tots so I was not rational at that point. I asked him who he was and he confirmed that he was the mystery young woman’s husband. He asked what was going on because by that time I had opened a can of worms that I was to later regret. I told him everything I knew and I forwarded him about 18 texts that were between my husband and his wife. He read them and the last thing I remember was him thanking me and telling me his wife would not be bothering us again.

Maurice comments,

Please tell me that the news doesn’t get worse, I have a mental picture of the variables and they are not good.

She replies,

Maurice, my husband at around midnight called me and told me he was at a hospital tending to a friend, I asked him who it was, to my shock it was her, little did I know that she was a client who provides training services where my husband works. At the time I was making the second call on Friday night, my husband was at a product launch party, he and a few other colleagues received calls that their friend was in hospital due to domestic violence.

I dashed to the hospital where we spent a good 3 hours, she had been beaten badly and her husband had gone underground. I feel terrible, I feel weak as a woman, guilty and responsible because as we sat there waiting to see her, my husband let the cat out of the box and told me that she was actually assisting him to organize our anniversary. It hit me that my suspicion was nothing but a loving husband trying to surprise his wife.

Maurice asks,

Does your husband know about the sequence of events that led to this unfortunate incident?

She replies,

Yes I told him by the end of our hospital visit. He was very quiet in the car on our way home but I could see he was hurting. I also went quiet not wanting to spark any quarrel after all it was my fault that his friend was beaten. We woke up on Saturday, we had breakfast and he kissed me as he left the house. He had errands to perform and I went on with my day. At around 3pm I tried his phone and I couldn’t get through. By 6pm I must have called him over 40 times but his phone was off. Before midnight I received a text from him and it read “I have been a faithful husband for 8 years and after all those years you would question my loyalty to you I do not think I know you anymore”. I attempted to call him back but I guess he switch off his phone after sending the text.

It was a bad call on my part I accept. I shouldn’t have let my insecurities influence my actions. In 8 years, we have never once doubted each other nor have we had such a major fall out. Please, I can’t lose him, I am sorry and if I have to make it up to him for the rest of my life I will. How do I get him back, I know he doesn’t trust me right now?

Maurice replies,

First question, how is the woman doing, have you followed her recovery?

She replies,

She is stable, that’s all the nurse could tell me. As I said, it was pretty bad. She sustained deep cuts to her face. I have been visiting her everyday hoping to meet my husband at the hospital and tell him that I am very sorry.

Maurice replies,

Your first obvious error was to ‘seek’ because whenever you seek you will find what you want to find. However innocent a text or email may be if your mind is already set to find the worst you will for sure read things out of context. It is common with couples, hence why I do not advocate nor tolerate that behavior of scrolling through your partner’s phone.

In life if someone is yours meaning they would rather be with you than be else where, it will be evident. You never have to force anyone’s hand to be with you, that’s my motto.

In regards to the unfortunate incident, yes you played a part and that was speaking to the husband but you could not have predicted that he would react in such a brutal manner. Your husband has not ask for a divorce, he just sent you a text that reflected his feelings at the time so give him space. Sooner or later he will come home and it will be for you to ask for his forgiveness. If you can’t get through to him once he turns up let me know I might be able to help. One thing is clear, you will need to earn his trust again; you crashed it when you started snooping around. For a while he will not feel as free socially as he was before when you are together and hopefully in time if you don’t show signs of insecurity you relationship bond will prevail.

*Trust is knowing or hoping your partner will make the right choices in life.          You can never force trust in a relationship.

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Dear Maurice,  

I am in a crisis, my life is a complete mess and I need your help.

Maurice asks,

What is your dilemma?

She replies,

Well, my husband has put us in a very awkward situation. Last year in October my niece who was living with us in Mombasa suddenly decided to move colleges without warning. I let it be and did not question her decision to move.

Maurice asks,

Is your niece’s moving related to your husband?

She replies,

Yes, with regret and a lot of bitterness I share with you that last month my 20 year old niece announced she was pregnant not by her boyfriend but by my husband.  My sister and her husband are now not talking to me yet we are so close. I know they are annoyed with me for not protecting their daughter but I was not aware she needed protecting from my own husband. I have tried to keep it together but this whole situation is driving me crazy but I do a good job of hiding it. We have a 6 month old baby girl so I must keep it together and try my best to maintain my sanity at least for my child.

Maurice asks,

So you decided to stay for you child’s sake or are you also still in-love with your husband despite his infidelity?

She replies,

I did think of leaving but I do still love him and at the same time I hate him for betraying me and to make it worse he performed his indiscretion with a family member. I’m I in-love with him? not at the moment.

Maurice asks,

What do you want at this point; I’m sure you have thought it through?

She replies,

I want my husband to stop ignoring the fact that my niece has accused him of forcing her into bed. I want him to stop acting as if things have not changed, and I want him to say sorry and take responsibility.

Maurice replies,

So you are still talking to each other?

She replies,

Yes we are but he refuses to discuss his fling or anything to do with our next move regarding our future. He says that he is not the father but he hasn’t denied or accepted sleeping with my niece.  My husband is a very confident proud man who is set in his ways. Every time I bring up the matter he has a way of making me feel guilty. I don’t want to believe he could do this to me but the facts are so clear in my mind otherwise why would my niece leave and make up a sensitive story that is causes friction with extended family members.

Maurice asks,

Do you want to leave you husband or do you want to save your marriage, your answer must be certain for there to be a realistic outcome?

She replies,

It is hard and every bone in my body says I should leave but my heart and feelings will not allow me to, so I want to stay but how do I overcome all and start to view my husband in a positive light?

Maurice replies,

These situations are not easy to go through. I knew you wanted to stay otherwise we would not be in dialogue and you would have left by now. These are the things you need to do if you really want to overcome your predicament. First, don’t dwell on the obvious because verbally reminding your husband everyday of his infidelity will only hurt you with mental emotions in the long run. Plus it will be counter productive to directly or indirectly punish him if mending your marriage is what you seek.  You need to be the pillar of this relationship. If you want him to say sorry you must make him feel guilty by doing all the things that he does not expect you to do, that entails being a good wife to him by telling him that you may not forgive him soon but you will support him during this period, and why are you doing this ‘because you are a better person’ you are committed to your vows unlike him. The point here is that subtle polite hints of the truth will be much more effective and in time you will find out if your man truly is sorry when it is not forced out of him. Remember do the opposite of what he expects and watch him attempt to say sorry in his own way. It will take time so please be patient. If you need further counsel you can call me or we can have a one on one session and discuss your future.

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Dear Maurice,

I am 31 and I have been married for 4 years, however my husband has a first wife who lives upcountry, I am more the urban wife. I knew I was going to share him with another woman but I never anticipated being so bored and lonely. I must admit that he did try to give me adequate attention over our first 2 years but since then it has been a downhill spiral. He provides for his home but I hardly see him and it’s getting to me, plus we have a 2 year old baby girl who needs to see her father frequently.  I do not want to raise my daughter alone.

Maurice asks,

How often do you see your husband nowadays and does he spend time with his daughter when he is around?

She replies,

I see my husband 2 to 3 times a week, if he is not working; he is running his private business affairs or visiting first lady upcountry. As for spending time with our daughter, the best he does is bring her gifts when he comes home late after she’s already asleep and he gives her a kiss. That’s the only contact he has with his daughter.

Maurice asks,

When he was courting you initially did he tell you upfront about his marital status, and if he did why did you go along and fall for a married man?

She replies,

At the time I was looking for stability and security in a relationship, I wanted kids and a home I can call my own. Yes, he did tell me he was a traditional man with certain values as per their customs. It was for me to decide whether I wanted to be part of his life or not. He also promised to provide the way a man should. I had dated before so if I compare my husband’s commitment to his family compared to other characters I dated before, my husband was the wise choice as a provider but not as a companion as I have come to bitterly witness.

Maurice asks,

When he is around how is your communication and intimacy at a scale of 10?

She replies,

Our communication is average, if I can describe it that way. Our intimacy is more of an obligation I have to him as my husband. You may think I am foolish to consent to intimacy that I don’t particularly enjoy but I made a personal vow to please my husband through thick and thin. If our marriage breaks down at least I can say that I fulfilled my part. That is very important for my own sanity.

Maurice replies,

Well, it’s clear you knew what you were getting into despite your present predicament. I’m sure your instincts earlier on did tell you to be wary but you chose to ignore them.

She replies,

Not only my instincts but my mother was against the second wife scenario but I hoped things would turn out for the better. Anyway it’s too late to start regretting so how do I get him to pay me more attention?

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband?

She replies,

He is 46 years old.

Maurice replies,

I do not want to dampen your hopes but I must tell you that the odds are against you in regards to changing your husband’s lifestyle, as you said he is a traditional kind of man and those men are very hard to rehabilitate their way of thinking. Your husband is experienced and must be a very confident and convincing man to have two wives. By now he has a mind set that can’t change in most cases that I have dealt with. At this stage of your marriage I would recommend that you have a heart to heart with him and for the both of you to be brutally honest with one another without the fear of a domestic brewing up, and open up to each other so that you both know where you stand and establish a possible way forward that will suit your needs.

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Dear Maurice,

I urgently need you advise, I am emotionally lost and in need of direction. I have been married for 3 years. My husband and I moved back to Kenya from the US last year in November. About 2 years ago I opted to quit my job and travel with my husband as he pursued further studies. When we got back we moved into a new area of residence in Nairobi and things were going well until I accidentally bumped into an old friend in December. It’s a guy I grew up with when we lived in Nyeri over 20 years ago. As kids we were inseparable living in the same residential estate until we had to move to Nairobi when my father received a transfer. It was difficult to part but we had no control at the tender age of teenage hood.

Maurice asks,

So what happen that could affect your marriage when you bumped into your friend?

She replies,

Seeing him just took me back to when I was a naive teenage girl who had a secret crush on this guy but I did a good job of masking my feelings back then.

Maurice asks,

Are you saying that you felt something for him when you met?

She replies,

Not when we met, though I was a bit flushed when we made eye contact. He recognized me as I was doing my evening shopping at our local supermarket. He came over and I too immediately knew who he was. I was in shock to say the least. We exchanged numbers and promised to keep in touch. He is also married with kids. I don’t know why but I felt inclined to call him and so I did. For the last 4 months we have met frequently for lunch or coffee and we still have a lot in common which has really confused me and made pleasuring my husband a task. I have not been unfaithful physically but emotionally I feel drawn to this other guy despite knowing that I should not be feeling this way. Is this just a phase that I am going through, this has never happen before, and my husband is such a darling I would hate to hurt him by way of infatuation?

Maurice replies,

My dear, what you are going through is only a phase dependent on the choices you make from now on. You can either pull yourself together or you can heed to temptation. We are human, sometimes we can be weak however if we still have control of ourselves then we will maintain our faculties and make sure we don’t ruin a good thing. My personal advise to you is that you refrain from seeing your old friend and go back to your marital life and hold onto your vows and love your husband as you have for the last 3 years. I wish I could tell you to stay friends but from your narration it is apparent that this guy is not a good influence and he may make you indulge in actions that you may not be able to undo. Infatuation is a strong feeling and for the weak it can be disastrous. Do not risk your marriage by maintaining contact with your old friend.

I really need you to understand that I have nothing against a woman and a man being friends but as you said this guy is influencing you to the point that you are finding it difficult to please your husband, we both know that can’t be good for your marriage. The decision is yours I hope you make the right one.

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