mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I am 31 and I have been married for 4 years, however my husband has a first wife who lives upcountry, I am more the urban wife. I knew I was going to share him with another woman but I never anticipated being so bored and lonely. I must admit that he did try to give me adequate attention over our first 2 years but since then it has been a downhill spiral. He provides for his home but I hardly see him and it’s getting to me, plus we have a 2 year old baby girl who needs to see her father frequently.  I do not want to raise my daughter alone.

Maurice asks,

How often do you see your husband nowadays and does he spend time with his daughter when he is around?

She replies,

I see my husband 2 to 3 times a week, if he is not working; he is running his private business affairs or visiting first lady upcountry. As for spending time with our daughter, the best he does is bring her gifts when he comes home late after she’s already asleep and he gives her a kiss. That’s the only contact he has with his daughter.

Maurice asks,

When he was courting you initially did he tell you upfront about his marital status, and if he did why did you go along and fall for a married man?

She replies,

At the time I was looking for stability and security in a relationship, I wanted kids and a home I can call my own. Yes, he did tell me he was a traditional man with certain values as per their customs. It was for me to decide whether I wanted to be part of his life or not. He also promised to provide the way a man should. I had dated before so if I compare my husband’s commitment to his family compared to other characters I dated before, my husband was the wise choice as a provider but not as a companion as I have come to bitterly witness.

Maurice asks,

When he is around how is your communication and intimacy at a scale of 10?

She replies,

Our communication is average, if I can describe it that way. Our intimacy is more of an obligation I have to him as my husband. You may think I am foolish to consent to intimacy that I don’t particularly enjoy but I made a personal vow to please my husband through thick and thin. If our marriage breaks down at least I can say that I fulfilled my part. That is very important for my own sanity.

Maurice replies,

Well, it’s clear you knew what you were getting into despite your present predicament. I’m sure your instincts earlier on did tell you to be wary but you chose to ignore them.

She replies,

Not only my instincts but my mother was against the second wife scenario but I hoped things would turn out for the better. Anyway it’s too late to start regretting so how do I get him to pay me more attention?

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband?

She replies,

He is 46 years old.

Maurice replies,

I do not want to dampen your hopes but I must tell you that the odds are against you in regards to changing your husband’s lifestyle, as you said he is a traditional kind of man and those men are very hard to rehabilitate their way of thinking. Your husband is experienced and must be a very confident and convincing man to have two wives. By now he has a mind set that can’t change in most cases that I have dealt with. At this stage of your marriage I would recommend that you have a heart to heart with him and for the both of you to be brutally honest with one another without the fear of a domestic brewing up, and open up to each other so that you both know where you stand and establish a possible way forward that will suit your needs.