mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

My marriage may be coming to the end of the road and I am afraid of being alone and even worse the thought of having failed is killing me.

Maurice asks,

What is wrong my dear?

She replies,

I had never caught my husband red handed before but 2 weeks ago I did. It was undoubtedly the worst day of my life.

Maurice asks,

So you have suspected your husband of cheating for a while?

She replies,

Rumours have it that he cheated on me on our wedding night during our after party. That was 13 years ago. I was mad but no one had proof of that deed so I let it go. Another incident occurred 4 years ago when he told me he was out of town on business yet he was seen by one of my girlfriends at a City bar & restaurant dining with another woman. When I confronted him about it he said he was out of town and that my friend was mistaken. That made me wonder; if it was true then he was either spending nights with her at her place or in a Hotel. For my own sanity I convinced myself that I was not that stupid or naïve not to notice an affair going on in-front of me, again I mentally dismissed the possibilities. In my eyes there was never any evidence or hint of infidelity.

Maurice asks,

What eventually led you to discover infidelity was taking place?

She replies,

Two weeks ago my hubby’s phone rang repeatedly, my first suspicion was drawn to the name saved, and it read ‘sweetz’ so I decided to answer it out of curiosity. No surprise, there was a female voice at the other end of the phone and I asked if I could help her, she replied, where is the owner of the phone? I then quoted the name of the owner and introduced myself as the wife. She suddenly went quiet for a few seconds upon which she said “I’m sorry it must be a wrong number”, I quickly replied, “I have no qualms with you” please tell me who you are. She replied, “I had no idea he was married”. We decided not to continue our dialogue on phone but to meet face to face. We did and she told me they had been dating for almost 6 months. At that juncture we decided that we had to set a trap for him to walk into.

Maurice replies,

Go on.

She replies,

We agreed that she would lure him to her apartment and I would be waiting for him in her bedroom. Our plan worked and he was led to the bedroom, he opened the door and there I was as quiet as a church mouse. Before I could say anything he turned and ran off, we watched him get into his car and drove off. I thanked her and left for home where I thought he had gone but he did not turn up that night. Two weeks later he has not come home, neither does he answer my calls or messages at his place of work. I still love him and I think I will for a long while but I need to move on without him, I need closure, what should I do?

Maurice replies,

First and foremost, you did not fail, your husband failed you. If you seek closure, then you need to face it head on, you must meet with him eventually and he should confess and apologise, if you want his apology that is. You must maintain a calm and collected conversation; tell him it’s about you not him and that he should give you the courtesy to speak your mind without interruption. Once you are done don’t give him the satisfaction or opportunity to explain his actions because at that point that is not what you need to hear, in my opinion. Moving on is never easy but it is far worse to sustain a marriage where your partner has betrayed you for a long time.

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Dear Maurice,

I need you to enlighten me on behaviors of in-laws. I am 24 and my husband is 31. My mother-in-law has always been a handful and since we got married 8 months ago she has been interfering in my marriage. I understand that a mother wants the best for her child, however her alleged support and love for her son has gone overboard.

Maurice asks,

What troubles are you facing with your in-law?

She replies,

I don’t know if it’s just me or my mother-in-law wants to complicate relations between myself and her son. She just won’t stop interfering with our day to day life. She will check up on her son to ask him if I am tending to him as he would expect. She goes to the point of wanting to know what I fed him over the week. She then advises her son on a healthy diet if she does not approve of my week’s menu.

Maurice asks,

I’m assuming your husband ends up sharing with you about his mother’s advice?

She replies,

Yes he does, that’s not my main concern though, I hate it when he implies that I should adopt his mother’s wisdom and change as per her guidance. For the last 2 months things at home have gotten worse. It is my place to advice our house help on the weekly menu and I have found out that my husband instructs her to cook entirely different meals, you can guess who from. Once I found out I was very annoyed and instead of seeing my point as his wife my husband is adamant to follow his mother’s regiment. What will my in law do next breast feed my husband, I’m so pissed.

Maurice asks,

Did you have similar hurdles before you got married?

She replies,

Honestly in the 3 years I have known my husband his mother has never quite liked me mainly because I come from a different ethic background. I had to come to terms that people are different and I accepted that she may never approve of me fully. That said, when it came to the woman my husband wanted to marry he fought for me to be accepted by his extended family. Why then is he allowing his mother to dictate in our marriage? Out of the respect I have for her as I do my own mother I have opted to not confront her but I feel undermined. I have hinted to my husband that I am not happy but he is either ignoring the fact or he is not getting the message. What do you advice I do?

Maurice replies,

I recommend that you sit your husband down and have a candid chat. Open up to him and tell him that you respect his mother very much however you as his woman and wife are feeling inadequate because your role as wife has been hijacked by his mother. Your husband needs to feel that you are genuine and are not attacking his mother, if he can comprehend your concerns rationally then I believe he will formulate a way to please both of you, at the same time he will ask his mother to give you the respect and privacy that you deserve as her son’s wife. Your mother-in-law was once a newly wed and I can only guess that she did not tolerate interference in her home. If she truly cares for her son’s marriage and welfare she will back off. Remind your husband that he fought for you to be his bride so he should be by your side as he declared through his vows to you.

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Dear Maurice,

I have a major issue regarding my marriage and I seriously need your consult on the matter.

Maurice asks,

What is the issue?

She replies,

My husband will be traveling to Norway for work at the end of September and he will be settling there for a minimum of 4 years.

He is actually going there for training and it requires for him to be there for a long while to acquire experience in his field of work. My greatest fear is whether as a man he will keep off women while he is there? I have known of his travel abroad for the last 7 months and its eating me up inside.

Maurice asks,

Has your husband ever given you any reason to doubt him?

She replies,

We have been married for only 3 years and we don’t even have kids yet. What is to stop him from falling for some other woman and starting a family with her? I have so many questions pending and I fear what the truth might be.

Maurice asks,

In totality, for how long have you known your husband and has he always been there for you?

She replies,

I have known him for 8 years. We have had our disagreements over the years but he has always been a loving man.

Maurice asks,

So why bother yourself with the ‘what ifs’, all you are doing is speculating over the unknown which will stress you for no apparent solid reason.

She replies,

I hear what you are saying however the truth is he may fall for another woman while he is away from me?

Maurice replies,

Yes that is a possibility but you can’t sustain your marriage in doubt, 4 years is a long time, you may equally fall under the spell of temptation, we are human after all. Is there a chance for you to join him?

She replies,

The chance was there but I turned it down because of my career, I have worked hard to get to where I am right now. Joining him would mean becoming a house wife or starting from scratch and I can’t go through that transition. We mutually agreed that it is for the best for him to go and for me to stay and anyway he will be coming home at least twice a year. I also made him promise that if he were to fall for someone he would tell me about it so we can discuss his lust for another woman.

Maurice replies,

My dear no one is promised tomorrow, its healthy for your soul to live each day as it comes. In regards to your marriage only the seeds of thought that you plant will worry you. As a couple you agreed not to disrupt each others career paths and that wasn’t easy I can imagine. Now what you need to do is be positive about the future, keep in-touch on a daily basis through the vast social media platforms that are available, look forward to your husband’s annual visits and most of all trust in each other unconditionally. Easier said than done but it is your unconditional trust and devotion that puts you apart from many couples. Your marriage will surely prevail if you believe that it will, it has to be a mutual effort.

And remember you always have the option to join him, I know your career is important to you but how important is your marriage? Can you apply a value to your marriage? If you had to make a choice between your career and husband what would it be? Consider those questions because 4 years or more is a long time apart.

She asks,

Maurice thanks for your input but in your experience with similar cases what are our chances as a couple, and please be brutally honest with me?

Maurice replies,

The truth is, the odds are against you. I am not saying that long distance relationships don’t work I am stating that they rarely do, why? The love factor between couples is not strong enough to prevent temptation. Human sexuality is your first hurdle, it is driven by bodily urges and requirements. Statistically men are the weaker gender though women too succumb to temptations especially in today’s social circles. So as you make your choice think of all the variables and external forces that may hinder a healthy marriage.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 9 years 4 months. My husband is 6 years my junior. I am 41. When I think about it I was warned about dating him leave alone marring him. But I guess sometimes you can’t ignore your feelings for someone. I have been a loyal dedicated wife for all these years. We both work but I tend to him as if he was my child. I guess you can say I fell for his charm and treated him like a King within our home. I work a full day and yet I still I am able to come home and cook for my family. We have 2 kids. However, I have recently learned that we have a third child but not from me.

Maurice asks,

Are you implying that your husband has a child outside your marriage?

She replies,

He not only has a child but he has a child with my own blood sister, the one I follow.

Maurice asks,

How do you know this?

I was visiting my sister last month and fell upon documentation that confirmed paternity of one of her children. Two weeks ago I asked her as politely as I could and she did not deny. She broke down and confessed that they had a one night stand while my husband and I were still dating and a child came of it. She said she hid the truth from me because she was protecting me and could see how much in-love I was with my husband. For her it was just a one off and they mutually agreed to hide the truth from me and continue with life as usual. I feel so betrayed by my sister and husband.

Maurice asks,

What has your husband said about it?

She replies,

I have not told him that I know. My sister pleaded with me not to say a thing, she apologized and said she already lives with regret and she can’t handle breaking up my family. She also fears the repercussions of our parents and extended family knowing.  Despite her actions I am very close to my sister but I am wondering for how long can I pretend to my husband. As it is I have given him numerous excuses to why I do not want to be intimate with him at the moment.

Maurice asks,

So you never suspected anything between them before?

She replies,

No, I did not. For one, I met my husband through my sister, it was her hook up that got us courting so suspecting anything between them was not an option. If she wanted him she would have had first choice in the matter. I am not defending their actions but when I recall the period they had their fling, my husband and I were going through a few storms but I thought nothing of an affair behind my back. I can forgive my sister but what about my husband?

Maurice asks,

Did you fall for your husband because of his toy boy looks and character back then?

She replies,

I was dreading you asking but yes I did.

Maurice replies,

Despite what you know, do you still love your husband and do you feel what you have is worth saving?

She replies,

Are you asking if I can equally forgive my husband and continue with life and go to my grave with this knowledge, this secret? I don’t know the answer to that but I know I love my husband. But can I trust that he has never cheated on me or will never cheat on me? Maybe I can forgive but I can’t forget.

Maurice replies,

If you can forgive the past then I urge you to continue with your marriage. If you choose to tell your husband that you know what he did with your sister then that will open a can of worms that may lead to a rift between you or at worst a separation because who is to know how your husband will react. It’s my recommendation that you cherish what you have and live life to the full without stirring up the harmony you maintain today.

I am not 100% sure of your future but I believe that you still love your husband very much hence why we are having this dialogue, otherwise you would have made the conscious decision to leave him. It’s not going to be a bed of roses for a while but if you believe you have a marriage worth saving then set full throttle ahead and don’t look back.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for the past 19 years. I am 38 and my husband is 49. We have 6 children. For the last 12 years I have lived a life of frequent misery and regret. Why do I stay only God knows. I guess it’s partly because I do not want to break up my home, my family. I believe at the beginning for a good 7 years I gave my all to this marriage. I sacrificed my further studies to sustain my family. I currently work as an administrator and that does not fulfill my ambitions or rather ambitions and dreams that I once had. I thank God for my good health and that my kids have grown with both their parents. That said, I am extremely frustrated by my husband’s behavior which has persisted since we got married.

Maurice asks,

How is your husband frustrating you?

Where do I start, how do I share my husband’s deeds that are so embarrassing. It’s not easy to share but I guess I must. My husband since I can remember has always pleasured himself once I go to bed. He has had this habit of watching adult movies in our home, in our bedroom and while watching I used to pretend I can’t hear the video playing as he pleasures himself. It’s filthy Maurice. He even does it after we have sex. It’s like he can’t get enough. I used to think I was the problem until I realize he was addicted to that behavior. For a long while I felt inadequate as his wife.

Maurice asks,

How often does he masturbate?

She replies,

He does it everyday. Not just at home but also in the office. We have a family business and our staff have reported having seen him pleasuring himself. He is their boss so they can’t raise the alarm to anyone other than report to me in confidence. He honestly can’t stay an entire day without watching those sinful videos that he downloads from the internet. At home he can be online for 6 to 7 hours before he finally comes to bed and tries to hold me and sometimes I decline his advances.

Maurice asks,

When you finally confronted him about his actions what was his response?

She replies,

He used tell me that it was normal for a man to play with himself and that I should not feel threatened after all we still have sex together so I should leave him to it.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean he used to, did he stop responding to your concerns?

She replies,

Well, 7 years ago I got so lonely that I had an affair and due to the guilt I eventually told my husband what I had done. He was hurt but he forgave me. He said that should be my lesson in life because the other man had lied about being married. Since then he uses my infidelity against me. He says at least he performs his deeds in the comfort of our home compared to me who cheated. I can’t live like this anymore, I am thinking of leaving him but what will that say about me as a wife and mother and what effects will it have on the family? I care for my husband but I’m not in-love with him anymore and haven’t been for years.

Maurice replies,

In my opinion I do not think your husband’s habit can fade away anytime soon. He is set in his ways and yes he has an addiction that in most cases is extremely hard to snap out of.  Unless you want to live the rest of your life under status quo you now have some life changing decisions to make. If you have fallen out of love with your husband then it’s not worth enduring anymore pain from your marriage. I believe you need to move on and seek your own happiness and a settled sober state of mind.

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Dear Maurice,

My husband and I have been married for the last 8 years. I am 31 years old and my husband is a stubborn 38 years old. We have 2 girls. Though we have our ups and downs I consider myself lucky to have such a loving husband who provides unconditionally for his family.

Maurice asks,

So what seems to be the issue?

She replies,

My husbands eating habits are very unhealthy. We have had intense verbal exchanges over this matter for the last 3 years. About 3 years ago, I took it upon myself to research on the best diets for my husband at his age. Over the years I have read many articles regarding bad diets and their health risks. My husband insists on eating meat everyday despite the health risks that he knows of. I think his red meat intake is high and I have done my best to provide a balanced diet but he chooses to eat what he wants after I serve him.

Maurice replies,

If you have consistently voiced your concerns over the years about his health and he has chosen to ignore your plight then I believe its going to be a tall order to make him accept a new diet.

She replies,

Our roar over this matter has escalated to the point that my husband is now choosing to eat out to avoid my cooking. I know that he eats at his mother’s frequently and complains to her about my menu regime at home. But I am doing this in good faith why can’t he understand that I am concerned about his future. My daughters and I are truly worried about him.

Maurice asks,

So as to substantiate your adopted health regime has your husband suffered from any food related ailments either in the past or recently?

She replies,

Not that I know of, however what I do know is that several members of his family have suffered from high blood pressure, that information I received from his mother so my concerns are not based on paranoia. As his wife I only have his best interests at heart.

Maurice replies,

I am not a food expert and I do believe your concerns are justified as his wife however what I advocate is for you to convince your husband to go for a medical checkup, where they will be able to determine his cholesterol levels and other tests that will reflect on his current health status. While under going the check up your husband will receive all the relevant health advice he needs. They may also recommend a diet plan that suits his taste buds.

When adults get used to a certain way of life, set ways, it’s difficult to change their habits even if it might be crucial to their healthy living. Avoid chasing your husband from your home with your diets and seek advice from a specialist who can give your husband food options that will keep him coming home. That said I do applaud you for persisting to improve and maintain health within your home.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 11 months. We have no kids yet but we hope to start a family after 2 years. I am 26 and my husband is 30. We dated for 4 years before we got married. In that time period my husband has never behaved as he is currently. His character towards me has totally changed for the worst. It’s only been 8 months yet there’s a drastic change in him? Do men change after marriage, I really hope not?

Maurice replies,

What has changed in your husband?

She replies,

Well, about 3 months after we got married my husband started to hang out with his friends more often than he ever did before. He goes out and stays out late; the earliest he has been home is 9pm.

Maurice asks,

How often does he go out in a typical week?

She replies,

From Wednesday he is out everyday till Sunday. Most of the time when he gets home it’s late and I’m tired so we can’t even bond as a married couple. When I ask, he says that I am making an issue where there’s no issue. A few months ago he said he wants me to be more accommodating as his wife and that I should stop nagging him about his social life. He told me that African men must go out and coming home at 9pm is not an issue in African households. Personally even though I did not have a Father figure in my life I do not think I can accept that behavior. Considering his character change has manifested after we got married.

Maurice asks,

Within the 4 years of dating did you live together before marriage?

She replies,

No, we did not, we had separate apartments, we would only spent mostly weekends together, we are normally busy during the week, so we rarely spent at each others apartment during week days.

Maurice asks,

Doing your busy week did your husband still socialize as much as he is doing whether you were there or not? The reason I ask is because I am trying to establish any social pattern change since you got married.

She replies,

I think he did but I was not really monitoring his social life back then as much as I am now. Apart from his social life something else happened recently which has led me to you.

Maurice asks,

What happened?

It was on a Thursday and he came home at 1am. I asked him where he was coming from and why was he coming home so late. What followed was a slap on my face followed by him yelling that I should not question him. He had never hit me or shown any sign of violence before. Why would he raise his hand to hit me after almost 5 years of being together and what could cause a gentle loving man to change in that manner?

Maurice replies,

From my experience of dealing with violent behavior I noticed that some men can mask their true violent nature for years and when it finally shows its face it can be nasty to say the least. I recommend that you do not confront your husband again before the violence turns into a habit. I also recommend that you begin counseling sessions to tackle your husband’s outings that leave you home alone. In my opinion without immediate counseling I see his behavior worsening over time.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 22 years almost 23 later this year. My husband is 56 and I am 48 years old. We have 3 kids, 2 are all grown up and out of the house. Our last born is still in campus. I can say we live a good life and that our marriage is balanced with us allocating time for each other and also some ‘me time’ to keep our sanity and freedom.  We are both business people and are very devoted to success to give our children a better start in life. I can say we are a close family so if there’s an issue everyone in the family gets to know about it and we share the burden. In our case that formula has worked for many decades. However my greatest problem which to me is a non-issue is my love for outings. Every weekend for as long as I can remember I have always gone out with or without my husband for a drink and to socialize with friends, I believe that is my personality but of late my husband has began to lay certain laws in our household and honestly his rules are not acceptable to me.

Maurice asks,

What laws has your husband laid?

She replies,

He says that I have over done the outing behavior for too long and he would like to see his wife indoors by 7pm. In actual fact he referred to my age and stated that women of my age should not be dwelling in social places. That I must say, after all these years, was hurtful to hear.

Maurice asks,

What was your response to his comment?

She replies,

I just look at him and walked away, I knew I would say something to aggravate the situation so I opted not to comment. Later though, I reminded him that I have been socializing for years so why the change of heart from him, is he trying to take away my freedom?

Maurice asks,

What did he say?

She replies,

He asked why I was so adamant to go out for a drink and why couldn’t I have a drink at home with him; he also asked if I think my behavior is something our children approve of? I told him not to involve our children, they know their mother is young and heart and they understand my character. I told him the issue was with him. I asked him if it was about trusting me while I was out there. He said it had nothing to do with trust but mature behavior. How can we resolve this, what can I say to make him understand?

Maurice replies,

In my opinion, I believe it’s more about your husband running out of steam for the social arena and at one point he expected you to also run out of steam. In his mind at a particular age he thought you would stop going out and evidently you haven’t. The answer is not to stop your outings because that will inevitably lead to resentment which will further create a rift in your marriage. I recommend that you write a heart to heart letter to your husband outlining the trials and tribulations you have experienced over the last 22 years and affirm to him that he has nothing to worry about and that you still love him more than ever. Encourage more quality time together and sustain that lifestyle. Remember to note, that he has accepted you for who you are for decades and he should continue to do so unconditionally.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 1 year 4 months. I am 26 and my husband is 31. Currently we are having major arguments with my husband regarding almost everything under the sun. I do not know how to describe the situation other than call my husband a compulsive clean freak. He constantly negatively remarks about our home. He complains about my cleaning regiment which I believe is good however according to him I can do much better. Our home is spotless and I keep it that way because I know what a clean freak he is. But I also doubt the actual reason for the quarrels. I don’t know what it is but there must be something more to it.

Maurice asks,

When did your troubles begin?

She replies,

For the last one year we have had arguments every week. This causes us to turn to silent treatment around the house and that might go on for a few days.

Maurice asks,

In the last year did anything happen to stress your husband, it could be home or work related?

She replies,

Not that I know of, my husband is very vocal so if there was something bothering him I would expect for him to share with me but so far he has not mentioned anything of concern. I am having thoughts that he is bored of me and maybe he was not entirely ready for marriage, do you think that could be the case?

Maurice replies,

To say yes or no would be speculating at this point and time. I believe your husband may be troubled by something and that is causing him to experience stress which in-turn is affecting your communication. The whole cleaning regiment may be a bi-product of the core stress point which we need to establish.

She replies,

Could he be having an affair? I ask this because it’s not normal for a couple to constantly argue over the same matter for one year. I feel unappreciated in my own home. I feel that he has his fun outside the home then comes to off load his stresses on me instead of just coming out clean and telling me the truth. My husband complains about our kitchen, our sitting room, our bedroom, he has made it his mission to find a problem where there’s none. I am not exaggerating about our home situation, it’s getting worse and I don’t think I can take much more of it.

Maurice replies,

I can tell that things at home are stressful for you but let’s not jump the gun by speculating on whether your husband is cheating on you or not. I would like to believe that the real reason will come out during a session, where the 3 of us can share candid dialogue.

She replies,

How do I convince him to a counseling session?

Maurice replies,

You need to emphasis to your husband that your quarrels are affecting your bond and if he cares enough he needs to address the matter seriously. If one is willing to maintain harmony within their marriage they will do whatever is necessary to sustain a healthy marriage where both parties are emotionally content.

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Dear Maurice,

I really need your help, I am completely lost, I am partly to blame, I think! My marriage is on the rocks and has been for the last 6 years.

I am frustrated and it would be an under statement to call my current life a nightmare.  Over the 6 years or so I have learnt to become a loner.

I cry alone and I share with no one my problems. Not even with my girlfriends because I have learnt that they find comfort in my unfortunate dwellings. It’s like we are pretend friends, everyone hoping the next person is in more trouble than the next. If I may ask, why is that so?

Maurice replies,

If you are asking why your friends find your problems entertaining, the answer is simple; humanity has been selfish for a long time. Many close people in our life listen to your problems but there initial aim is not to assist you but to gossip about you once you leave the social forum. People, especially a common trait among women, love knowing that it’s not only them who have problems. I believe we both know that women can be very bitchy and malicious towards one another despite being long term friends. Now that we have digressed, what is the main marriage issue that you have?

She replies,

I have been married for 8 years and I have known my husband for 14 years. We started dating on the basis of a fling; we had an open relationship until the year before we decided to get married. My husband never went down on his knees to propose is what I am trying to say. After our on and off relationship we finally came to conclude that we were meant to be together and we got married.

Maurice asks,

You still are avoiding the issue?

She replies,

My husband before we got married was a complete womanizer and I guess that was attractive at the time. But I thought he would change once we got married considering it was a mutual agreement to become 100% exclusive to each other. We really in depth discussed our future and he promised me that as long as he is my husband he would honour his vows and be faithful to me. On the downside we agreed if things were not working we would be honest and come clear instead of hurting each other. This has not been the case. My husband has cheated on me 4 times in the last 6 years and I keep taking him back after his false promises and now I am getting tired of his antics. What I want to know from your perspective is if there’s a chance for him to one day change?

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband?

She replies,

He is 41 and I am 36.

Maurice replies,

This is my opinion, even if I were to have a counsel session with your husband I do not believe it would eventually change his character trait. In my experience with such men only age slows them down. At the present I don’t foresee him changing, he may make promises but most of the time promises are broken, I believe you have witnessed that already. It’s unlikely that he will ever be exclusively yours, like I said only age can slow him down and he is still in his prime. It’s unfortunate but those are the facts regarding your future. Your options are to leave or live with status quo. You may also seek a second opinion but beware of those that may have commercial interests over their ethical duty to counsel you.

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