mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 11 months. We have no kids yet but we hope to start a family after 2 years. I am 26 and my husband is 30. We dated for 4 years before we got married. In that time period my husband has never behaved as he is currently. His character towards me has totally changed for the worst. It’s only been 8 months yet there’s a drastic change in him? Do men change after marriage, I really hope not?

Maurice replies,

What has changed in your husband?

She replies,

Well, about 3 months after we got married my husband started to hang out with his friends more often than he ever did before. He goes out and stays out late; the earliest he has been home is 9pm.

Maurice asks,

How often does he go out in a typical week?

She replies,

From Wednesday he is out everyday till Sunday. Most of the time when he gets home it’s late and I’m tired so we can’t even bond as a married couple. When I ask, he says that I am making an issue where there’s no issue. A few months ago he said he wants me to be more accommodating as his wife and that I should stop nagging him about his social life. He told me that African men must go out and coming home at 9pm is not an issue in African households. Personally even though I did not have a Father figure in my life I do not think I can accept that behavior. Considering his character change has manifested after we got married.

Maurice asks,

Within the 4 years of dating did you live together before marriage?

She replies,

No, we did not, we had separate apartments, we would only spent mostly weekends together, we are normally busy during the week, so we rarely spent at each others apartment during week days.

Maurice asks,

Doing your busy week did your husband still socialize as much as he is doing whether you were there or not? The reason I ask is because I am trying to establish any social pattern change since you got married.

She replies,

I think he did but I was not really monitoring his social life back then as much as I am now. Apart from his social life something else happened recently which has led me to you.

Maurice asks,

What happened?

It was on a Thursday and he came home at 1am. I asked him where he was coming from and why was he coming home so late. What followed was a slap on my face followed by him yelling that I should not question him. He had never hit me or shown any sign of violence before. Why would he raise his hand to hit me after almost 5 years of being together and what could cause a gentle loving man to change in that manner?

Maurice replies,

From my experience of dealing with violent behavior I noticed that some men can mask their true violent nature for years and when it finally shows its face it can be nasty to say the least. I recommend that you do not confront your husband again before the violence turns into a habit. I also recommend that you begin counseling sessions to tackle your husband’s outings that leave you home alone. In my opinion without immediate counseling I see his behavior worsening over time.