mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

 I have 5 kids and have been married for the last 16 years.  I have seen it all, been there, gone through the thick and thin with my husband and trust me he has tested my sanity many a times. Last week I got home at around 7pm, he was already home and I found him in our bedroom doing what I can only describe as abnormal. Out of all the experience this one has topped it.

Maurice my husband who I hold in such high regard was dressed in women’s attire, my clothes. At first I thought I was hallucinating but unfortunately it was real, before my own eyes my man was in a dress and wearing lip stick. I remember closing the door behind me as I said as calmly as possible “the kids will be home in a few and you have some explaining to do”. What if my kids saw their Dad it would confuse them, I don’t even want to think about it.

Maurice asks,

I knew there were cross dressers in Kenya but I didn’t realize I would be receiving the news in this unfortunate context. So what did your husband say about the cross dressing?

She replies,

Are you telling me there is an epidemic of men dressing like women and my husband has been infected? Maurice, what was I going to ask him, he just came downstairs looking like his normal self and said that “it was not the time for him to explain but he will”. Since then I have moved to the spare room. I sleep there once the kids are asleep then by 6am I’m back in our bedroom. I can’t stand to lay next to him the whole night, I just can’t, it gives me the shivers just thinking about it. Is my man gay after all these years? Please tell me something, I need to hear your opinion.

Maurice comments,

You have had 5 kids over a period of 16 years, how old is the youngest?

She replies,

My last born is 4 years old.

Maurice says,

Great news, I can tell you this for sure, your husband is not gay or seeking to be in the future. In my opinion he is a transvestic fetishist, a heterosexual man who has probably hidden his fetish from you for many many years. It’s unlikely he developed these dressing desires a few years ago. It is not an infection and whatever you do let him explain it to you and be supportive which is different from encouraging. Hear him out. Right now he is confused not knowing if his marriage is over, many thoughts and scenarios are running in his head right now. I know he let you down by not sharing, you may not approve of his behaviour but if you want results don’t make it hard for him to open up. He needs to feel he is not in trouble, you just need to be on the same page as him. Once he opens up and spills the beans then you can rationally question him further.  I need to ask, has your husband ever shown signs of not feeling manly? Has he felt inadequate in any way especially in the bedroom?

She replies,

Unless I have become ignorant of my husband I can confidently say he has been the ‘man’ of the house from the beginning. Our sex life is healthy so this incident has really thrown me off the spinner.

Maurice replies,

There you go; you have confirmed what I was pretty certain about. Let me know how thing progress but you will find that your husband only loves to dress as a woman to satisfy his own fantasy that is in his head and it doesn’t go further than that. For instance, he does not have a gender disorder which affects singles even married men to point where they regret their gender bodily attributes and will go to great lengths to change their appearance. Again, this is just a fetish zone with your husband. I urge you to be patient with him; he never thought he would get caught by you so be gentle on the man. Please do keep me posted.

  Dear Maurice,

I have a problem that needs your urgent attention. I have been married for 4 years 3 months now however if you total the time spend together, we have practically seen each other for 112 days per year, give or take a day or two. Personally it’s reached that point where I feel like letting him go. Don’t get me wrong, I love him, he treats me well and I have everything a man should provide for his woman but I am lacking companionship.

Maurice asks,

It’s taken you 4 years to realize there’s a problem! Anyway, why is it that you only see each other for roughly 4 months of the year?

She replies,

To be honest its taken 4 years because over that period I had his vacation to look forward to plus the perks that came with our being alone were a distraction. We always skype-d everyday and I was content with that arrangement. My husband works in the Middle East and has done so for the last 6 years. He is on a very lucrative package that keeps me busy if you know what I mean? He only gets the 4 months as his leave instead of the work for one month and receive a month off policy. The one month off policy drove me nuts. I would rather the accumulated vacation time.

Maurice comments,

So you sacrificed 2 months of his ‘off time’ and opted for the 4 months instead of 6 months? I must ask, are you truly in-love with you husband? And if so after all this time why are you not with him?

She replies,

Yes I do love him and yes I am in-love with him. When we met he had already landed the job which did not allow for a spouse to join her husband. He has tried everything to get me over there but the company policy plus his contract stipulate those terms however HR are attempting to change their policy but it takes time.

Maurice asks,

I need you to be frank with me, have you strayed or has he?

She replies,

I know for sure he hasn’t strayed. First he is in the middle of nowhere; they don’t have entertainment areas near where he works. There company has in-house state of the art sport facilities and video gaming for those who want to entertain them selves. Considering the salary he is on it’s worth the sacrifice.

Maurice asks,

So have you strayed considering your evasive answer? And is the money worth being apart?

She replies,

Please don’t critic me. I made one error of judgment a few years ago and had an affair for 8 months but I ended it when I realised I had the man for me despite our distance.

Maurice asks,

Between the two of you, in your opinion, who makes contact first when you are skyping or through our social media platforms?

She replies,

I guess he does but that’s only because I can’t contact him while on shift, as I said his company is strict when he clocks off he alerts me to go online so we can chat.

Maurice asks,

What do you do for a living?

She replies,

I am a house wife and a run a boutique. Why?

Maurice comments,

My dear I’m assuming you wanted my candid analysis so let’s look at the facts. You have a loving rich man who pampers you from here to Kingdom come, I applaud him for that. If his pockets can allow then let him splash out, after all you’re his wife. However, you had an affair of which I am pretty confident you never told him about and probably will never, at this point it’s not my place to tell you whether to tell him or not. If status quo works for you then so be it. I believe you love your husband and due to time spent apart you grew out of the in-love sphere hence the adultery. You say, you had this affair a few years ago and yet knowing how most women reply to certain questions. You chose those words ‘a few years’ out of guilt, not wanting to relive the time in your mind. I am not judging you but you must admit if you knew he was having an affair you would want an explanation among other demands that come with receiving bad news. If your marriage has a chance to work it has to be based on more than Skype, more than the 4 months a year and definitely more about your bond not the bond that comes from the money he earns. Long distance relationships are not easy and personally I would never go down that path unless I knew the probability of relocating together was guaranteed. I want you to take a step back and review your marriage ’why are you really in the marriage’ before you subconsciously drift apart.

Dear Maurice,

My husband is a typical African man; we have been together inclusive of dating for 7 years. In May it will be our fourth anniversary if he remembers this year that is.

Maurice asks,

Before you continue may I assume you take your husband for who he is?

She replies,

Yes I do, it’s not easy living with a man who pretends not to know where the kitchen is and he has never washed a dish in our home.

Maurice asks,

What attracted you to his unorthodox character?

She replies,

I guess it was his way with words, how he treated me like a lady from the beginning and still does but I can’t stand how he eats in-front of people. I don’t mind when we are in our home but when we are in public I expect him to eat in a manner that a man of his statue ought to eat. It’s like eating next to an animal.

Maurice asks,

In the last year or so has your lifestyle changed, if I may, are your pockets deeper than when you first met?

She replies,

I don’t see how that is your business but I will say that our life style has been upgraded.

Maurice comments,

For me to deduce where the real issue is I must ask uncomfortable questions otherwise I will be doing you a disservice, forgive me for intruding. However, I can bet that your new life has changed your mind set towards your husband. You started by describing your man as a typical African. The only woman who does that is one that accepted her man as he is. You then implied he forgets your special day, but its more a remark rather than a complaint. Finally you contradicted your persona towards your husband by saying that you ‘expect’ him to have some form of etiquette, you didn’t use that word but that’s what you meant. My advise to you my dear is you have taken your man on a long 6 year journey, take his flaws, his traditional believes, may I remind you that you embraced his personality and walk up an aisle and said I do. I am only speculating but I feel your husband may have embarrassed you, more than once, at functions that meant something to you, would I be right?

She replies,

Yes he has and he refused to apologise when we get home, especially after the latest one. We never make a scene in public but I expected an apology after he did not excuse himself from the table and let one off. He then proceeded to eat as if he had done nothing; his only comment was “all humans do it”, a few people found it amusing but for me it was disrespectful and disgusting. Some of those that attended were senior work colleagues. I am trying to climb the ladder at work so we have been attending functions but I don’t need the embarrassment. I know I took him for the man he is but can’t he be considerate and excuse himself in such a scenario. What do you tell a man who tells you that all people remove bowel gases and an apology is out of the question because it’s a natural bodily reaction.

Maurice,

This is what you do. Sit down with you husband, tell him that you have for years accepted him for who he is but you would like him to excuse himself when nature calls. Your husband is stubborn but you know him and I’m sure you can positively manipulate him to believe that you admire his character, however because he ‘naturally’ wants to see you happy and excel if he can avoid the acts that irritate you in public. And if he does there’s going to be a ‘surprise’ for him, get creative, you know what he likes about you. Men most of the time need to be lured or tricked to get your way or to get something done, just like training a dog, if the dog performs as instructed it receives a cookie.  You know your hubby so create a formula that works for you.

Dear Maurice,

  I am 26 years old and I have been married for 5 months. I can not complain my man treats me well as I would expect but I am so worried about our future. I have heard so such from women who have been married for decades and the similarities are too many for me to ignore. I wanted your opinion on a few facts or myths and for you to explain in details why these challenges may not affect me in the future.

Maurice asks,

When you say ‘you have heard a lot from married women’, is this information you have received over the years or is it a recent occurrence?

She replies,

Well, I have had a chat with my mother and aunties and they have given me a rough idea of what I should expect and how I should conduct myself towards my husband but I also joined a women’s chama group a few months ago and that has been my main source of information about men. Its very worrying news if you ask me.

Maurice comments,

And so I will, what are the challenges you speak of?

She replies,

I was told not to be ignorant and accept that my man will one day commit the act of adultery, is this fact? I was told that married men have some sort of code shared between them, that once they get married the excitement we gave them as their girlfriend fizzles out after some time and that is why they stray. I was also told never to disclose what I earn and to always have a secret bank account plus make investments that he should never know about. That will be my fail safe incase the marriage doesn’t work.

Maurice replies,

Honestly, my dear, your marriage is so young the last thing it needs is an injection of bad influence. The fact is, there are more unhappy people than those who can tell you a story about their 10 to 30 years of marriage. I really do not want to speculate about your new social circle but all I can say is stick to the formula that works for you. Ask yourself, what led you to where you are today, why did you marry each other when there are plenty of other people you could have married. There’s a bond that you share and that is your common denominator. Why didn’t the women give you statistics of road accidents, God forbid, but there’s always a chance of being involved in an accident. I am even 90% sure that it’s just a small group within the women’s group that targeted you when you probably disclosed your young marriage status.

It’s unfortunate but not that many people in your lifetime especially as you get older will be glad to see you ‘happily in marriage’. And when it comes to women, you are your worst enemy. You don’t need to seclude yourself from certain characters or topics but don’t take them as gospel truth. The way our psyche works is if you plant a thought in your head long enough you will find yourself a slave to that set of mind. You will then pass on the negative energy to your husband and from that will stem small rifts that will escalate to colossal arguments.  I know you asked specific questions and in my opinion any variable is possible. Yes your husband may cheat on you but it is unfair to judge him based on actions of other men, it’s not men in general, not all men get up in the morning and go on a killing spree or rob a bank. Let me ask you and be bold about your answer, why did you ‘really’ marry your husband?

She replies,

Before we got married we were friends for 4 years then dated for a year. He is still my friend that has not changed. He still surprises me with gifts which started way before we decided to date. In short he has always been there for me.

Maurice says,

There you go; you have just outlined your foundation that formed your union. Please do not let anyone or anything break that bond. As I said you are going to hear terrible stories about men but never go home and see your man in that light. I am a very big believer of “if someone wants to be with you for the rest of their life”, then they will limit the probabilities of spoiling that future. It’s out of your control. Live each day as it comes and be thankful to have each other. You have years to groom your husband into the man you know he can be. It’s only been 5 months do not allow for other external forces to shake your marital foundation. I will wait for a positive emails from you in 5 years to come. Be well, love each other and stay safe.

Dear Maurice,

 I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I had been seeing for 5 years. I don’t want to get back with her after what she did but I want your honest opinion on why she may have done what she did.

Why do I start, ok on Valentines day we kept in-touch throughout the day and we both looked forward to that evening. I had booked a surprise restaurant treat at her favorite Italian restaurant. We enjoyed the night and our meal was splendid. We were done dining by 11pm and we decided to head off to some house party, more like gate crashed the bash. By 1am we were both enjoying ourselves mingling with people and having drinks as you do. At some point someone shouted “spin the bottle” and before you knew it we were a sizable group of about 20 playing the game. Long story short, the bottle eventually isolated my girlfriend and she opted to be dared which was not surprising considering she is a daring kind of person always wanting to explore. Anyway she was dared to kiss some guy and at that point she looked over to me for some reaction and I kind of hesitated and I believe I unknowingly gave her the green light in the name of the game. She kissed him or rather I just stood their as some random guy touched up my girl. They were given 30 seconds which seemed like a lifetime to me but I kept it together.

The game went on for at least 2 hours then people went back to mingling. I at this point was pretty beat and I dosed off for about 30 minutes. When I woke up my girlfriend was nowhere to be seen so I went looking for her. The first place I checked was the kitchen where a few had socially congregated. She was not there. Reluctantly I began to check the vacant rooms hoping she would be slumbered with a few people just chilling out. To my horror I open one of the bedrooms and found her making out with the guy she had kissed during the game. I then stood there and asked her what she thought she was doing, her response shocked me, I expected her to freak out and try and explain her actions but instead she walked up to the door and as she closed it she said “you were going to find out sooner or later”. I tried to open the door but she had locked it. I’m not the confrontational kind of guy so I walked out and left the party. She send me a text saying she was sorry I had to find out in those circumstances and she will be coming for her things when she’s ready. Since that night I haven’t called her and she hasn’t tried to contact me.

My question is simple, after 5 years of being the best guy I could be why could she not just tell me that things were not working for her and let me go instead of embarrassing me in-front of mutual friends. I don’t get it, how can someone you have loved for so long and been through stuff with just disregard you like you never existed? Did she ever love me like for real?

Maurice asks,

Had you ever witnessed similar behavior from her in the past?

He replies,

No. It was a drastic change of character, every time I try and make sense of it I still end up with a void to all the questions I have.

Maurice asks,

How old are you both, did you live together, was marriage and all the other trimmings that come with it on the cards?

He replies,

She is 25 and I am 37. No we did not live together but she did spend a lot of time at mine. About marriage well we did not talk about it that often I thought we were too engrossed to one another just enjoying life one day at a time. As far as I know she was not ready for marriage till she was a bit older, that’s what she told me last year when we were just having a laugh chatting about life and the future.

Maurice asks,

Before you do you know how many guys she had dated?

He replies,

She told me I was her third boyfriend.

Maurice replies,

Obviously my opinion is based on your info so this is what I think. You met a young girl who was only 20 and you were 32. You started to date but as the years went by you overlooked a few variables that may go against you in the future. Assuming you were indeed her third boyfriend I’m assuming you were not the first guy to sleep with her unless I’m wrong?

He replies,

You are right.

Maurice replies,

Then there’s a possibility that at one point she felt she was missing out on exploring with other men, I know its not the easiest of things to hear but you asked for my honest opinion. She probably hadn’t matured with you over the 5 years and at one point you came to some cross roads and that is when her feelings and commitment to your relationship changed. I hate to speculate because I haven’t spoken to her to assess her views but I’m guessing she wanted to be cut loose after she realised that the relationship was heading in a direction she was not ready to follow. Why she suddenly chose to do it when she did and how she did only she can accurately tell you why. I feel for you mate but life must go on.

Whatever you do don’t change the man you are, you have to believe that somewhere out there is that perfect woman for you. Don’t look for her she will come if you believe it.