mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 6 years with 2 children. My husband has provided for his family as expected and he has been a good husband and father to our children. I met my husband 8 years ago while studying abroad. He was also pursuing further education in the same University. We met and within a period of 5 months we started to date. By the end of a year we were in-love with each other and planning our future which has led us to this point.

Maurice asks,

So what seems to be the issue?

She replies,

What I have recently found out is that my husband had a secret life.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean by that?

She replies,

My husband runs his own business and every year he makes business trips to Europe and the Far East and what I have unveiled is that during those trips he pays a visit to a certain woman whom they have a child together. What is clear is that the child was born during our first year together while studying abroad.

Maurice asks,

How did you find out?

She replies,

A few weeks ago I was clearing out our garage and I happened to come across a rectangular box which was well hidden, filled with curiosity I went through it. Only to find letters that date back 10 years. These letters were correspondence between my husband and this other woman. As I read through them I realized that their bond was more than just a fling. I suspect they were in-love but something went wrong and was kept a secret hence why he never spoke of her. That said, they have kept in-touch despite their fall out. I found photos of a child, that child is my husband’s son.

Maurice asks,

Is your husband aware that you know about his past?

She replies,

The other day I kind of brought up a hypothetical scenario where I asked if there was anything in our past would we be able to talk about it freely as a trusting couple. I know my husband’s reactions and his face was light up with guilt, he avoided eye contact with me and he even attempted to change the topic. I did my best not to show it but I felt betrayed. After 6 years of marriage here is a man I worship as my husband but he could not confide in me and tell me about his past. He should have told me and I would have understood and supported him. How do I continue pretending I don’t know about his secret family and what impact will it have if I reveal that I know?

Maurice replies,

Like many men who fear unknown repercussion your husband years ago decided to manage his secret alone. Right now how you handle your approach will determine your future. I recommend that you calming and rationally reveal what you know without judgment. It is paramount that your husband feels that you are on his side and you want to hear his side of the story and that you are behind him 100%. At that point let him be so that he can open up at his own time without pressure.

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Dear Maurice,

I am in need of your advice I have messed up big time and I need to salvage my marriage. We have been married for 9 years. For 9 years I was more or less the most faithful and loving wife a man could ever want. I am also a good mother to our only child who is 6 years old. In that 9 years I have been there by my husband’s side, I have been an extremely patient wife. We both work but I have always made sure that I cooked most of the evenings despite having a trained maid who is more than capable. I wanted to be the model wife, someone my husband can be proud of but over the years I realized that my efforts and commitments were not going to receive any appreciation in the way I would have liked.

Maurice asks,

What were you expecting and hasn’t your husband every complimented on your efforts?

She replies,

I expected him to notice every time I would go out of my way to make him a special meal which was at least 4 times a week. I put my every thing into pleasing him but he would only say that the food was great as a passing comment. I never felt as if it came from his heart. When we dated he would help with the dishes sometimes but after we got married it’s like he forgot where the kitchen is.

Maurice asks,

Is he currently not a good husband?

Don’t get me wrong he is a great provider and he plays his part well but emotionally I haven’t felt connected in a long time. Which leads me to the main issue. I had a moment of weakness and I shared a passionate kiss with a friend who I always suspected of having a crush on me but paid it no attention till a week ago while socializing we kissed and I loved that moment. I am not justifying my actions but I haven’t felt like a woman in a long time. My husband is always at work or at home so I know he doesn’t play around and yet I was weak enough to ignore my vows and I kissed another man and I don’t regret the kiss and how I felt but I regret my actions as a married woman. I probably sound crazy but I want your opinion. Do I tell my husband and get it out of my system?

Maurice asks,

Do you have feelings for this other man and have you been thinking about him?

She replies,

I don’t love him but I still need him in my life as complicated as it will be. I know I love my husband and he loves me.

Maurice replies,

There’s no justification as you said however those moments do arise that sway you to your predicament. If indeed you want to stay married and attempt to rekindle a time you were connected to your husband then I would advice that you do not stir up negative energy by confessing. Concentrate on dialogue with your husband from now on. I can not tell you to choose your friends but your male friend is a negative distraction and will not aid in rekindling with your husband. Begin to do the things you used to have fun doing together and make time for each other. The transition of communication will not be easy neither will it yield instant results but it is time you stopped feeling lonely and began to feel like a woman from the attention you receive exclusively from your husband.

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Dear Maurice,

My marriage is in serious turmoil and I guess it has been so for a long while but I pretended that everything was fine in the hope that all would be well one day. It has gotten worse over the years and I do not know how much more I can take.

Maurice asks,

What is the issue in your marriage and what has been brewing for a long while?

She replies,

I was married at the age of 23. I am 32 years old and I hate my life. The only good that has come out of my marriage are my 2 kids whom I cherish more than anyone or anything. It is because of them that I seek advice. Looking back now it is as clear as day that my husband only married me because I was pretty and utterly naïve about men. He showered me with material love and I was draw in by all the riches and pampering that I received.

Maurice asks,

How long did you know each other before marriage?

She replies,

As I was turning 19 we met and I fell in-love, what I fell in-love with is what is haunting me today. A year into our marriage I saw signs of trouble but as women do, I ignored all the sirens that were going off. I was determined to mold him into the perfect man. I must admit into our 3^rd year I realized that molding him was a futile endeavor.

Maurice asks,

How old is your husband?

She replies,

My husband is 42. Because he comes from a wealthy background he has always treated me like his property. I have been a trophy wife from the beginning. Even his mother warned me when we were dating. She was very sober about acknowledging that she raised a womanizer who was spoilt from infancy and she wishes she could have done better with him but I did not take her subtle warning to heart. My husband has had countless affairs and has never said sorry, if anything he has reminded me that without him I would be nothing. I have all the wealth a woman can want but I am so unhappy. I have over the years contemplated cheating but that would be breaking my vows that I took seriously so I have sacrifices for my kids however I have reached my threshold. I need to break away. I have implied that I could leave him and he has shown no concern, which only means it would not bother him, that really hurts. But if I leave will it not affect the kids?

Maurice asks,

My dear what will affect the kids more is seeing their mother constantly unhappy. Kids are actually able to adapt to situations and depending on their age and exposure many actually sense friction between their parents. It is better to raise them in an environment where you can resonate a positive mood and affection on a daily basis. Let them have access to their father but you do not need to inflict anymore emotional pain on yourself in the name of protecting your children.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 14 years. We have 3 grown up kids who have all left the home which leaves me and our two maids. I say this because for the last 5 years my husband has been an elusive figure in our home. Like a wild animal I think he only comes home to feed or to mate when his masculine instincts kick in. Couples have their ups and downs but this to my horror has dragged for far too long. How do I get my husband’s attention?

Maurice replies,

Firstly, 5 years is a long time to maintain a routine in one’s lifestyle so getting your husband to switch gears is going to be a tall order. When he is being elusive as you say, have you any idea where he goes?

She replies,

He is mostly with his friends at our local golf club or seeking out new social places.

Maurice asks,

Why are you not with him when he is out?

She replies,

I have never been an out doors person, to be perfectly honest it has been pretty difficult catching up and putting up with my husband’s social life. I also do not particularly like his friends. I believe a good majority are a bad influence.

Maurice asks,

Bad influence how?

She replies,

My husband is one of the older group members. He has always hanged out with younger friends. I don’t know if that makes him feel youthful but I wish he would make me his priority and not them.

Maurice asks,

Are you telling me that from the beginning you have tolerated your husband’s social life and never once enjoyed being part of his social circle?

She replies,

I married at 20 and my husband is 12 years my senior. He is all I have ever known. I have always fought for his attention but he always fought for his freedom.

Maurice asks,

Do you believe your husband loves you and has he ever given you a reason to doubt his fidelity?

She replies,

Yes I do believe he loves me and no he has never shown signs of infidelity. He just loves his social life too much. I know he works hard to sustain our lifestyle, and he has been a wonderful father to our kids but I don’t seem to get a piece of him when I need him. Whenever I confront him about his time share, he says I should mingle within his circles and that I should stop fussing.

Maurice replies,

I am convinced that your lack of social compatibility has been and still is your primary hurdle. My dear you need to open your mind to the reality that your husband will not transform into that man whom you want him to be. Based on what you have implied he has invited you to join him but you have be stubborn and declined his offers in the hope that he will relent and in doing so you have created a valley between you and your husband. I urge you to swallow that bitter pill and join him, appreciate that you have a loving husband and take that as a positive and join him in the environment he enjoys the most.  Cease the moment and start a fresh.

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Dear Maurice,

I am a divorcee. My man cheated on me 2 years ago and got another woman pregnant. I am not dating, I am mingling in search of that man that will hopefully want a relationship but to no avail at the moment.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean by to no avail?

She replies,

Last year I met a white guy and we hit it off and I also got friendly with his girlfriend. We lost touch for awhile and early this year we hooked up for drinks and I really enjoyed his company and still do. But recently I have issues with him.

Maurice asks,

What issues?

She replies,

I have given him so much over the last 4 months and yet he is reluctant to give me what I want from him.

Maurice asks,

What have you given him that merits a return?

She replies,

I have been there for him in every way as a woman plus I have given myself to him in ways I thought not possible.

Maurice replies,

What you are saying is that you have given yourself sexually to him?

She replies,

Yes and I feel he is not fully committed to me.

Maurice replies,

I am interested in knowing what you have given him that you thought was out of the norm unless I am mistaken?

She replies,

He has sexual preferences and they are not what most men would request. To be honest he is the first guy to ever request such sexual acts.

Maurice asks,

When you say most men are you referring to the general population of Kenyan men?

She replies,

Yes. He likes anal sex, deep throat and he makes me pee on his face.

Maurice asks,

So by you performing these sexual acts you believe he owes you?

She replies,

He does not owe me but as a man he should be able to consider my needs.

Maurice replies,

What are your needs and I am assuming that you are currently just mingling?

She replies,

Ok, I like him and yes I am mingling and having fun with him but I need him to step up and provide for me because I never deny him what he likes sexually.

Maurice replies,

From what I have understood he is not your boyfriend and am I right to state that when you are together he caters for everything whether you stay indoors or are out socializing, is that correct?

She replies,

Yes but why does he have a problem when I ask him for money to make my hair to look beautiful for him and why can’t he bail me out when I need rent?

Maurice asks,

I am sure you have dated black men, have you ever asked a black man who is not your boyfriend to pay your rent?

She replies,

No I have not but this guy can afford it. Even though I work he should be willing to help me out when the need arises.

Maurice replies,

Why because he is white? Before we go on I thought you had said he has a girlfriend?

She replies,

We don’t discuss her.

Maurice asks,

Are you in-touch with his girlfriend consider you became pals?

She replies,

Yes, we are friends and we socialise once in a while.

Maurice asks,

Is she aware that you are sleeping with her boyfriend?

She replies,

No she is not. You will think I am a bitch for saying this but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and from what I have heard from her she is trying to trap her boyfriend with a baby. They have only been together for 11 months.

Maurice replies,

So you must be the guardian angel coming to his rescue. I am appalled and I am going to be blunt with you. This is how I see it. You, just like his girlfriend are an opportunist. In my book there is no difference between you and his girlfriend if indeed your version of her intent is true. This guy is not your man neither is he a potential anything at this point, why? Because you have not stated that he has promised a future with you so I can only speculate that he is in it for fun.

The fact that he sleeps with you does not merit or dictate that he owes you anything. If he wants to become your provider then that should be out of choice not through emotional black mail of which I hope you are not applying by sending him text messages attempting to make him feel guilty. That is a useless strategy that women use to manipulate their way. Personally I really do not understand why vagina has such universal value and the same is not accorded to the penis. It is ridiculous. When was the last time you heard a man complaining that he gave himself to a woman and did not get bus fare or cash to visit his barber.

My advise is that you either continue having fun with no expectations or be upfront enough to tell this man that you need him to accommodate your needs as part of the package. He will then give you his response, and stop implying that he is using you. You speak of commitment, well he is committed to having fun with you, that is a form of commitment in the realm of men. He is spending to entertain you, isn’t he, and like I implied that should not come with financial gain which labels you as a gold digger. Note, considering he is cheating, it could be any other woman but luckily for you he is still hovering around you.

She replies,

Don’t you think that is judgmental and harsh?

Maurice replies,

If you consult with me then you give me the leeway to voice my opinion. I am not in the business of sugar coating.

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Dear Maurice,

I am troubled and I need your honest opinion.

Maurice replies,

What is your issue?

He replies,

I have been married for 5 years to a woman who lives in Kenya. I am also Kenyan.

Maurice asks,

Do you not live together?

He replies,

No we do not. I live in Sweden. We thought this arrangement would not bring us any problems but it has had the opposite effect.

Maurice asks,

Why are you apart?

He replies,

I am living with my Swedish wife.

Maurice asks,

Wait a minute you have 2 wives?

He replies,

Yes, out of circumstances.

Maurice replies,

Explain.

He replies,

Over the last 3 years I have grown to like my Swedish wife but I am mainly here due to economic reasons. I was sending my wife in Kenya money until new developments occurred 2 months ago.

Maurice replies,

Go on.

He replies,

My wife in Kenya is expecting another man’s child, she is 7 months pregnant. When I asked her she did not deny but she told me it was a mistake. I do not believe her.

Maurice replies,

Why don’t you believe her?

He replies,

Because I know the guy she has been fooling around with. That was no accident. Whatever they had or have must have developed over a period of time.

Maurice asks,

Why do say that?

He replies,

Because that guy lives abroad and he has a wife. My wife in Kenya is friends with one of his sisters. Why would she do this to me I just don’t understand. I left Kenya for this life away from the woman I love so that I can improve our future prospects.

Maurice replies,

I understand what you are saying but your mutual plan was based on you pretending to be fully committed to your Swedish wife, not the most honourable plan in my book. It is clear that due to human needs your Kenyan wife chose to seek companionship with another man and that resulted to her being pregnant.

He replies,

Why would she do that?

Maurice replies,

I do not want to speculate on her reasons however sexual lust was in play at some point. My question to you is, are you ready to let go of her and make the best out of the life you have in Sweden?

He replies,

I don’t know.

Maurice replies,

You must have a clue otherwise we would not be in dialogue right now. Yes you are hurt by her actions but is there more that you are not telling me.

He replies,

I have heard that the guy’s parents want him to leave his foreign wife so that he can be with my Kenyan wife and take of his child.

Maurice asks,

Is that guy serious about your wife?

He replies,

From what I have heard he declined his parent’s wishes and stated that he only had a holiday fling and that he did not intend to get my wife pregnant. He has left Kenya and is now back with his wife and 2 children.

Maurice replies,

Based on what you have told me it seems the main loser in all this is your wife in Kenya. If I may ask, who is providing for her considering you said that you stopped sending her money?

He replies,

She is still surviving so it must be her friends helping out. Her parents want nothing to do with her.

Maurice asks,

I am curious. Do her parents know why you are really in Sweden?

He replies,

No. They think I am officially working to provide for her.

Maurice replies,

So in actual fact she is punishing herself to save face. Her parents think she is an adulterous woman to a dedicated husband who is working hard to provide for his wife.

I suggest that your Kenyan wife tells her parents the truth. There is no need for her to look like the bad girl when in actual fact you both chose to deceive your in laws.

Again, are you leaving her or staying in her life, can you forgive her and can you raise another man’s child is the ultimate question?

He replies,

No I can not do that. I just wanted to know why she would go behind my back and sleep with another man without protection. That tells me she had feelings enough to risk infection or getting pregnant. It may seem inhumane but that is not my child and I can not continue to support her. Whatever feelings I have will soon enough get out of my system and I guess I will move on with my life over here. Thank you for your time.

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