mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

  May I begin my story by telling you a bit about myself; I am 36 and married with no kids. I have always be a perfectionist, always a go getter and in my career I seem to have managed to achieve my targets however when it came to men I thought I could use the same formula to weed out the time wasters and those that just got under my skin.

I was in search of an equal, a man who is confident, who can be a provider and excel s in whatever he does. I have been married for 1 year 2months and I want out of this marriage. I made the biggest error of judgment.

Before my husband I was dating my ex for 6 years who without a doubt treated me like a woman but the two reasons why I could not marry him was because he was too brutally honest to the point where he would tell me things like, my dress is ugly, my perfume is too strong, a particular hair style did not suit me and he even had the nerve to tell me that I should watch my weight. He just said things that were hurtful. The other issue was that he was not ambitious enough. He was content with his post at work and I knew he could do better but despite pushing him he was neither eager nor motivated to excel. I guess he was set in his ways.

Maurice asks,

Are you saying that you regret leaving your former boyfriend?

She replied,

Yes I do regret my haste to find the perfect man who has just turned into my worst nightmare.

Maurice comments,

I am just pulling at straws but did you find this perceived perfect guy who is currently your husband soon after breaking up with your boyfriend?

She replied,

It was 4 months after our break up. I was heartbroken and when I met my husband he was the perfect gentleman.

Maurice says,

Let me guess. He showered you with gifts, he was profusely generous with compliments of your looks and maybe he told you how he loved your ambition and that he would support you always. Did he by any chance tell you that you would make a perfect wife and did you then get married soon after?

She relied,

Well Maurice he did paint the picture that he would be the best man for me. So in some way you are right especially with the showering of gifts and complimenting me every chance he got, plus we ate out a lot and he was the first man to fly me out of the country. I took unpaid leave at work and we spent 2 weeks at a Spanish resort, it was wonderful, I had never received such pampering from a man before. That is where he proposed and I gladly said yes. That was about 6 months after we met and now here I am very bitter, very lonely, I have a beautiful home living a life of luxury but I know my husband has cheated on me with 3 women. Over the last 8 months I have read his texts and isolated these women. I have done nothing about it because I know he is the type of man who will never change his ways. We were last intimate 4 months ago. I feel stupid to have fallen for his charm and lies, I should have known better but I guess I deserve it for leaving a relationship where I was happy and loved despite the flaws.

Maurice replies,

I have assessed what you seek and this is my profiling of your error of judgment. You crave luxury; you are in a hurry to achieve wealth and love as a package hence your unrealistic formula. There is no one formula that works. You were disappointed by your ex’s choices only because he did not find happiness in material things as you do, actually I’m sure your predicament has shown you that happiest is not found in wealth though that is not to say that we should not be ambitious. Two people who truly find happiness in each other stick it out and make the best of their relationship.

Was your ex poor, you also said he treated you like a woman, does that mean, the only difference in regards to pampering is that your husband has deeper pockets?

She replied,

No my ex was not poor and yes I admit that my husband’s ability to pamper me and provide did appeal to me when I met him. Are you saying that I should try and get my ex back?

Maurice’s replied,

My main point is that you lost a good man based on your expectations. You ignored the qualities that you can not buy. For example, the qualities you ignored were, an honest man, a man who makes you happy unconditionally. I am sure after 6 years of dating you knew he never meant to hurt you with his comments, he was just being himself, he was bold and man enough to express his opinion and trust me it was in good faith, he wanted you to look your best and at times in a relationship you must allow for your partner to criticize, not all criticism is malicious.

I believe I did not say or imply that you should go back to your ex. If it is an option then it’s up to you, he may reject or accept you back or he may have another woman in his life now. What I can advise you, is that who ever you end up with as long as you make each other happy; prioritize on sustaining that environment of happiness which will in-turn nurture an environment of love and a sense of caring for each other. That is a relationship status that no amount of wealth can buy, it’s developed by a couple who yearn for the same values in life.

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Dear Maurice,

I am a heart broken man. I met my girlfriend 4 years ago and we hit it off. We met at a mutual friend’s house party and I immediately knew she was the one for me. I should have probably known better than to date a woman who was very materialistic however I could afford whatever she asked for, at the beginning it felt great to provide for her as my woman.

 Last week I went over to her place unannounced and witnessed the one thing a man does not wish to witness. I look through her sitting room window after my knocks went unanswered and I saw her with another man having sex on the sofa. My whole World was spinning, I couldn’t move or speak, I did not know what to do so eventually after I had seen enough I walked away and drowned myself in a bottle of Famous at a nearby local. I sat there for about 4 hours, even my thoughts were distorted, all I can remember is asking myself why why why??? how could she do this after I gave her everything she ever desired.

Maurice asks,

So you never doubted her before this incident, and how old are you both?

He replies,

No, I did not suspect her of cheating on me, I guess she’s a good actress. I thought our relationship was going somewhere, I had major plans for us, to have family with her. She is was my everything, I don’t think I can love again. She is 26 and I am 38.

Maurice replies,

You say she is materialistic however majority of woman are, its only the degree that various. Basically most women want to be treated out, bought gifts, pampered, it makes them feel loved, wanted, I’m sure you get my drift.

He replies,

Maurice, when we met she was working, very independent and mature or so I thought. Our first date cost me over 10k, she asked we meet at Serena for dinner. Personally I had only visited Serena for functions but not as a socialising place. I can afford to socialise at such venues but they are not my cup of tea. I am a typical Kenyan nyama choma guy, I like the simple things in life despite doing well for myself financially. Anyway, in the years together I have bought her a car, set a business up for her which is thriving, I pay her rent and utility bills, because I want to, not because she asked me to. How can she then not appreciate me after making her my priority.

Every year I would take her on 3 holidays abroad, I gave her the life a woman deserves and what do I get in return, she stabs me in the back by having an affair with her neighbor who I know very well. This is a guy I have shared drinks with for the last 3 years, we have traveled around the Country on weekend breaks as a group and after all that the guy has shown to have no mutual respect for me. I thought real men have a code that we don’t break, of which one is, our women are off limits. If two men are friends why would you want to vibe my woman when there are so many women to pick from.

Maurice asks,

How old is this guy if you don’t mind me asking?

He replies,

He is 28, such an asshole, I feel like ruining his life.

Maurice replies,

I hear you, its painful to be in your position but as much as this guy is not playing by the rules of true gents, its not him that you should direct your anger to, forgive me but your girlfriend did not slip and fall on top of him, that’s just fact. She consciously and willingly cheated on you and what I would advise is that you back off  and don’t confront her about it, as you have not mentioned contacting her I am assuming you have gone silent on her since last week, true?

He replies,

Yes, because I don’t know if I will be rational about it. I am afraid of how I might react if I see her in person. She has tried to call me several times but I don’t pick her calls or reply to her emails. Her last text said “hi baby I am worried about you, are you ok xoxo”. Women are just full of shit and I will assert my revenge on her, that is the only way I can deal with this.

Maurice replies,

Meaning what, don’t do anything you may regret or that could get you in trouble with the law.

He replies,

Is sleeping with her friends against the law?

Maurice replies,

That is an instinctive response for a tit for tat payback strategy but it won’t change what has occurred neither will it take the pain away. It is a short term ego mending thrill however it’s upto you, everyman has his way of dealing with your situation.

He replies,

Explain this, why am I hating her so  much yet I still feel in-love with her at the same time?

Maurice replies,

Well, you obviously put your heart and soul into the relationship hence why you are hurting and you can’t let go of her. Human feelings and emotions have a way of ignoring all logic.

He asks,

So what are my options?

Maurice replies,

Like I said, for now lay low, let her have a taste of your silent treatment. When you feel you can rationally speak to her just call her and tell her that you know about her and the neighbor then say goodbye and disconnect your conversation. I believe from there it will be your choice to either terminate communication with her or not.

If I may, is her sex one of the prime reasons why you can’t let go, you are 38 so can I assume you have played the field enough to know whats out there?

He replies,

Yes to all the above.

Maurice replies,

I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes. Let me know what you decide but don’t get in trouble because of her regardless of how the sex is, I know its easier said than done but you must refrain from any confrontation that may lead to a over blown fight, you know what I mean. Another thing, do not show her any weakness, if you do she will have the upper hand and manipulate the situation.

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Dear Maurice,

  I am 36 living a life that I would not wish on anyone. I have been a good wife, to my knowledge; I have slaved for my husband for the last 5 years since December 2007. I have cooked, cleaned and even washed his clothes wish I vowed never to do for any man but I guess love makes you go the extra mile. What I have received from him since day one are conditions and I have followed them without question. He comes home when he feels like it and from our 6^th month of our marriage I have repeated smelt a perfume that I do not wear so I could only assume he must be seeing someone else.

It was all confirmed when I went through his phone and called her. She did not deny, she even admitted that she knew he was married. I asked her why she would breakup my marriage and she told me to ask my husband and cut the phone. I tried to call but she ignored my calls. I then send her a text; from that text she confirmed that they have been seeing each other for 6 years. Maurice I met my husband 7 years ago, how did I not see this? Was I not good enough for him? I know she is 27 and my husband is 39. Is this midlife crisis, I mean why did he do this to me?

Maurice comments,

Don’t blame yourself none of us can tell the future and unfortunately good deeds are a personal choice. It’s great to have them reciprocated but it’s not a guarantee. It’s very clear that your predicament is a tough one for you, how can I assist? First, it’s not your fault, I need you to repeat it to yourself and believe it. Don’t put yourself in a mental state where you start to question your ability as a wife. And no, he is not going through any midlife crisis, he is only 39 but regardless it’s not the reason for his actions.

She replies,

I did ask her through text why he was cheating on me and again she replied “ask your husband”. What is killing me inside is that I am afraid to learn the truth. My husband has been coming home and I have done a good job of pretending everything is fine.

Maurice asks,

Is your reason of pretending that all is well because the other woman has a child with him?

She replies,

Yes, how did you know?

Maurice replies,

It’s the only logical reason that you haven’t hinted that you are leaving him and you have admitted you are afraid of knowing the truth which translates to one thing. You don’t want to push him to her completely; you still want to salvage this marriage despite your anger and hurt. It’s not my place to play judge and jury on this one but what do you aim to achieve by continuing a life with a man who has multiple priorities and this might not be the only woman in his life. I’m not advocating for a divorce or breakup I just need to understand your personal logic in regards to your long term strategy to sustain status quo plus you have confessed to suspecting his involvement with a woman in the early months of your marriage? If I may ask, why haven’t you had children?

She replies,

Maurice I am not going to let a little girl who seduced my husband and probably set out to trap him by having his child ruin my marriage. I am going to do everything in my power to get her out of our life. If we have to legally agree to pay her child care then so be it, but she is not having my husband. We don’t have kids because he never wanted to have kids. He told me he wanted us to enjoy our life together and have kids later after exploring the World together. I know I sound naïve and desperate but at the time it made sense to me.

Maurice comments,

My dear please do not contradict yourself. By attempting to keep her away from your husband you will have to make him aware of the fact that you know she exists and all those truths that you fear may come out and back fire on you. My assessment of your predicament is that you allowed it to happen. Years ago your instincts warned you of another woman but you chose to play it safe. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in support of your husband’s actions but in the same regard if your dress was on fire you wouldn’t take your time to remove it or extinguish the fire. Whatever path you chose to take be prepared to handle Pandora’s box. Believe it or not but your challenge here is not the other woman but your husband and I do not believe he was manipulated into having a child, yes those cases do occur but in your husband’s case it’s highly unlikely. I am only speculating but I think your husband may have premeditated your current status. You haven’t mentioned not being able to have kids yourself so there must be a reason for him to have a child with another woman other than his own wife. You have a choice to make, confront the issue head-on or let sleeping dogs lye and live your life as if the other woman never existed.

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Dear Maurice,

 I have been married for 2 years, I am 32 and my husband is 35. Before marriage we never lived together but we dated for 8 years. We both had our own apartments and led a very independent cosmopolitan life. From the start we vowed never to demand from each other because personally I never grew up in an environment where my mother was pushed around by my father, my parents always had a relationship based on mutual consent. Now my problem is 2 years into our marriage he has suddenly thrown the “a wife must cook for her husband at all times” book at me. The problem has persisted since April of this year. Honestly Maurice, this is not the man I married, his mentality towards me as his wife has changed and I feel it hurting us in the long run.

Maurice asks,

So let me get this right, I am assuming you were never being the cooking type and he knew this from day one?

She replies,

Yes; he knows about my upbringing and it was never a must for girls in our home to learn how to cook. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. Our brother is a much better cook out of the four of us but that is out of his interest, as for my sisters only one cooks but again she cooks because she loves cooking not because she has to cook to please her husband. There’s nothing wrong with pleasing your spouse but for me cooking was never a priority and I won’t change my lifestyle anytime soon.

Maurice asks,

Ten years is a long time, has he ever brought up this issue before and can you describe your life in regards to ‘cooking’ before he threw the traditionalist book at you?

She replies,

Maurice when we first met we ate out a lot. We both had kitchens and house maids but we chose to wine and dine. That was the life I was used to as I was growing up. I have cooked for him about 6 times in our first 8 years and he has never complained about it nor has he made any insinuating remarks over the years. If anything he has always cracked jokes in the morning stating that we were still alive after having one of my dishes. I could and I still do see it in his eyes, he takes me for me and he knows when I do cook for him, it is out of the love I have for him. It is my bonus way of showing him how much he means to me and he appreciates my effort, but now I feel because I have a ring on my finger he has decided to become someone I don’t recognize. It’s actually scary because I keep asking myself is this the real him and all along was it just an act to pin me down.

Maurice says,

Don’t worry we will get to the bottom of this in no time. Now tell me how do his parents feel about your absence in the kitchen?

She replies,

Only his father had a problem with me. It was no surprise considering his from a different era where women were expected to perform certain duties. In the last 10 years I have had many talks with my mother-in-law and all she has ever asked from me is that I keep her son happy, not necessarily through his stomach, and she only accepted my way of life because herself she was never fond of cooking so in some way we kind of related.  She knows her son is in good hands and he will eat everyday, where the food comes from and who cooks it should not matter as long as its tasty healthy food. We even share jokes about men’s expectations with my mother-in-law. I can say we are close but I don’t want to end up involving her in this non issue. Can her son just snap out of this sphere he seems to have entered?

Maurice comments,

Nothing happens by chance or by some randomness especially in your scenario. Please describe the month of April or March, did you have relatives come over, did you travel to visit relatives, can you recall any other third party that may have been around your husband around that time, it could even be a long lost friend of his?

She replies,

The only thing my husband did was visit his homeland in February because we are in the process of building a getaway home there.  And he was also there in April to check on the progress. How is that relevant?

Maurice comments,

So between February and April your husband has been travelling to his homeland and maybe even staying over for a few days to supervise the building of your home and I’m I to assume that while over there he has had contact with numerous relatives?

She replies,

Yes I guess so. Though I must confess I have only visited his homeland once. As I said earlier we live a certain lifestyle and travelling upcountry is not my cup of tea. His parents live in Nairobi so we don’t need to travel far.

Maurice’s comments,

I have no way of proving it because I wasn’t there during his visits but I strongly believe that there is a negative influence feeding him with illogical traditionalist information on how a wife should behave hence your rift due to his change of character. You may ask yourself how can my intelligent husband fall for such but the truth is it does. Especially if the influencer uses the manhood card and hits at him being foreseen as a weak male in his community if he is seen not to have control over his home. I suggest you have a ‘calm rational’ chat and just ask him questions that will lead him to sharing what he has shared with certain people while he has been away. The truth will finally come out. I don’t know your husband but a question that would induce a ‘facial expression’ that you would notice is “honey because I hate cooking would I be considered a bad wife in your home area?” Try it, the outcome may surprise you.

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Hi Maurice,

I do hope you are keeping well in 2012. For me, this is going to be a year to reflect on my 16 years of marriage that has just ended. I appreciate your efforts since last year August.

Thank you for meeting us and for the sessions which helped me realise that I had to change my attitude towards my wife. It’s a bit ironic that she was the one who reached out to you for help and yet she has proven that she was not fully committed to mending our rift that was caused by our detachment because of our busy careers.

If adultery was in play I would understand her choice to leave me but considering we were making some progress especially following the bonding program you gave us, I do not understand why she opted to give up. She wrote me a letter and in short she was telling me she was no longer in-love with me but rather saw me as a good friend. It was hard to take in but what does a man do when the love of his life tells him she wants to move on.

16 years is a long time to invest in a marriage, where do I go from here, what do I do? Our kids are caught up in the middle. They want to know why mum has moved out to her parents home. There’s only so many excuses I can give before they realise mum has moved out for good. Did she leave our kids because they are teenage boys? I have so many unanswered questions but I also fear to hear the truth. Is there a chance that she may think this over and return to us? Its selfish of her to quit when we were making progress, unless it was all an act on her part. I just don’t know what to think anymore. For 16 years I have been faithful to my wife, has it been easy, not at all, but I was always loyal to our vows. Even when we had years of no intimacy, I managed to stay faithful. Our marriage was not and is not perfect in anyway but she should have stuck it out and made it work.

Maurice replies,

I am equally surprised at your wife’s actions. She showed such promise in rekindling your bond. There were no signs that she was struggling with the program. What I would do for now is lay low and give her some space. She may have convinced herself that you are not enthusiastic about saving your marriage and decided to quit. As you can recall she came to me based on your lack of giving her attention, quality time. Though we established that your careers were the main obstacle that lead to your disconnection over the years. Give her time and tell your boys the truth they are old enough to know, it’s better you tell them before they start to speculate and cloud their minds with negative energy. I will be keeping in-touch. For now, don’t worry yourself, after 2 weeks we can revisit the matter. In case she contacts you in that time please do keep me in the loop, we may need to meet one more time. Which ever way your path will lead you, you both need some form of  closure.

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Dear Maurice,

I am 24 and very much in-love with a man who does not feel the same.  I have dated him for the last 5 years. We met at my pal’s birthday party and fell deeply in-love with each other. For 3 years he gave me nothing but sweet pleasure whenever we were together. He wined and dined me every week and at that time I felt so special, I felt like a woman, his woman.

 Little did I know that I was to receive a call from a woman claiming to be his wife of 9 years and she asked to meet me for a friendly chat. We met last month and I told her I was not aware he was married. She then proceeded to tell me that I was her third case in a span of 2 years and she too was getting tired of her husband’s cheating antics. Maurice I was heart broken at that point but I held it together. Here was this handsome loving man that I fell in-love with and he had taken me for a ride for all those years, telling me how much he loved me. Apart from cheating on his wife to hear from her that he had other women was very hurtful. I thought I meant the World to him.

Maurice replies,

My dear, I hear you loud and clear but I must remind you that he is not your man, he belongs to another despite what he may have told you or promised you. How old is this Casanova?

She replies,

He is 39 with 2 kids according to the wife.

Maurice replies,

I am amused by that phrase ‘according to the wife’, I don’t think the wife is hallucinating or imagining the kids, I’m sure they have 2 kids if that’s what she told you. I know you want him to yourself but that is not an option and even if he were to leave his wife, which is extremely rare, would you trust in a man who clearly appears to be having his cake and eating it too with multiple women. And no, he will not change anytime soon not unless he receives a total brain replacement, again not an option you have. My dear as painful as this scenario is for you, you need to move on with your life and if it’s meant to be love will come your way in form of a man who can at least concentrate all his energies on you.

She replies,

That is harsh Maurice.

Maurice replies,

It’s a clear picture of your predicament and it’s also the bare truth. You can’t escape from the truth and create your own alternate Universe of love. For your own peace of mind and emotional well being you need to forget this man. And the reason why the pampering declined is because he was caught by his wife. The little time he gives you is all he can offer. That is not a relationship.

She replies,

But there’s another issue.

Maurice asks,

Which is?

She replies,

I am 2 months pregnant with his child. The wife does not know but I want to tell her so she can advise me on my next move.

Maurice says,

Are you out of your mind, you want advise from the woman who’s husband got you pregnant. Do you have a death wish. I’m sure she may have been calm and collected when you first met her but this is an entirely new ball game, I don’t think she will welcome you with open arms this time round. If anyone has to tell her it should come from her husband.

She replies,

He doesn’t want more kids. He has already hinted that he will help me abort. He has offered to pay me a considerable amount for my silence and he wants it done through his advocate.

Maurice asks,

What was your reply to his offer?

She replies,

I told him I will think about it, I am confused Maurice. What should I do?

Maurice replies,

There’s no amount of cash that equates to your child. Secondly, its your choice however abortion is not a solution I would recommend. But like I said it’s your choice to make. Whatever your decision is, make sure you can live with it for the rest of your life and please unless she makes contact with you, do not approach the wife. Her knowing about your pregnancy is not my concern its more about your welfare and safety. If you do meet her make sure you have a third party with you.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 2 years now, I am 27. About 6 months ago I lost my job because I rejected my boss’s advances. I have been advised by friends and family to sue but I can’t bear the embarrassment.

However the reason I am writing to you is because I am now homeless.

I told my husband why I had lost my job and instead of supporting me he was convinced I was having an affair with my boss, so much for telling the truth. My husband is a very temperamental man and he has threatened to divorce me. He has involved my parents and they too are mystified by my husband’s reaction. I am staying with a friend but I can’t stay here indefinitely. How can he think I was having an affair?

Maurice’s asks,

How long did it take you to tell him that you had lost your job?

She replies,

I only told him about 4 weeks ago.

Maurice’s asks,

Why did it take you 5 months to tell him?

She replies,

I was afraid about how he would react, I thought he would confront my boss and make a scene at the office, trust me my husband is a confrontational kind of man and I feared the worst. But I did not expect him to label me as a cheating wife. Maurice I am only 27, married only for 2 years after knowing a man for 3 years. How can he turn his back on me when I need him the most? I am stressed, broke and the way things are going I might be a young divorcee all because I did the right thing and shared with my husband.

Maurice’s asks,

Have you ever had any quarrels regarding suspected infidelity before?

She replies,

When we met I was periodically in and out of a relationship with a guy I once loved but we had so many issues, that relationship was not going anywhere though I must admit I hoped things would change. But that was the past.

Maurice’s comments,

You haven’t answered my question?

She replies,

Maurice it was a small issue during our first year together and we resolved it, I really don’t see the relevance.

Maurice’s comments,

If you want my help let me be the judge of that small issue, so what happened?

She replies,

Well, when I met my current husband he treated me with love and respect but I was still hung up on the other guy I was dating on and off. My husband found out that I was still seeing the other guy and even though we were not exclusive he took it personally and I guess I hurt him. I told him everything; how I had once lied I was at my parents when I was really with the other guy. Back then I made a couple of mistakes but I came clean and I swore I would never ever go behind his back. It took a while but he finally forgave me and here we are married but now I’m afraid he won’t ever trust me.

Maurice’s replies,

I believe that your husband’s trust for you will take time, it’s easy to forgive but the mind never forgets. The fact that another man, your boss, was the reason you got the sack has most probably triggered hurtful memories of your first year together and that in-turn has bruised your husband’s ego. One factor that goes against you is that you took months to tell him that you had lost your job. In his mind your fears don’t register, all that is running in his mind is whether history is repeating itself and to what extent have you been dishonest. I agree that in an ideal World he is supposed to support you without question but in your case there’s an incident that occurred once and that has never really faded from his mind. I am curious, where were you going every morning considering you lost your job months ago?

She replies,

I was helping out a friend who has a shop. That kept me going as I decided on when to tell my husband the truth. Do you think he will forgive me; he won’t even answer my calls. My friend tried to explain but he told her to mind her own business and that she was part of the problem.

Maurice’s replies,

Your husband is hurting and he needs to cool off. Refrain from delegating your responsibility to your friends, they can’t help you. What I recommend is that you text him over and over, not just saying sorry but sincerely telling him that you made an error and you should have shared with him the minute you lost your job. I suggest you also email him, do not use his work email just his personal one. Reassure him ‘repeatedly’ that your intentions were genuine and that no man can ever replace him. Whatever you do DO NOT attempt to make him feel guilty that might back fire on you. Men regardless of how ‘manly’ we portray ourselves, we also need to be soothed with loving words, we need reassuring. Everyman has a little boy inside him that needs some ‘TLC’ once in a while.

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Dear Maurice,

I have been married for the last 16 years and I don’t think I can take anymore verbal taunting from my husband. I am 43.

We have 4 daughters and as a mother I was blessed to have them without any complications. However with my husband he has never really been happy to have daughter after daughter. From when we met 19 years ago he always wanted to have 2 sons and maybe a daughter, having sons has been more important to him, it’s like he has an obsession. Our last born is now 5 years old and our eldest is 14. I am constantly reminded that I have failed him as a wife, especially when he comes home from the pub, because according to him I only produce girls and even his family have hinted that he should have married his ex girlfriend who they have kept tabs on and she has 3 sons. We come from different tribes with very conflicting views and I don’t think I can take anymore abuse from his cultural expectations. Can you help?

Maurice’s replies,

Are you aware that the general theory is that men determine the sex because men can donate either an X chromosome or Y chromosome, while females can only donate an X chromosome? In other words, in most cases it is the man that determines the sex of the baby. A study done in the UK also revealed that men who have more brothers are more likely to have sons and if they have more sisters they are likely to have daughters. However that theory does not apply to women.

She replies,

Maurice my man is a typical African man that explanation won’t fly with him. He has demanded that I see a medical specialist and I find ways of having boys otherwise he will seek a son with another woman. He said he has never cheated and that is why he has given me the opportunity to give birth to a boy. And I quote, he said he is willing to be patient with me but I must not produce anymore girls.

Maurice’s comments,

Your husband can embark on trying to have sons with multiple women and still fail. I can imagine it’s hurtful for you and it may be making you feel inadequate but please your biological make up is not in question. Again it’s not up to you whether you will give birth to a boy or girl. Your husband regardless of his believes must be made to muster the facts of reproduction. If he has insisted you see a specialist then you should go together so that he can receive the civic education he needs to understand how the sex of babies is determined.

She replies,

I did ask him to accompany me but he said that he has no problem and that it’s a female issue. I do not think you understand my husband is a very proud man and despite your advice which makes sense to me I will only probably end up being thrown out of my home if I bring up the part of us going to a clinic together. It’s not often but when he loses his cool he does hit me. I know you are asking why I stay in that environment but what choice do I have, I have invested many years into this marriage and it’s my duty as his wife to satisfy his wishes. We have lived by those rules for years it’s not something I can change.

Maurice asks,

Have you shared your dilemma with your family, for example your parents?

She replies,

Yes I have but it was thrown back in my face because my parents were against my marriage due to the tribe my husband comes from, they had warned me about unrealistic demands and uncouth mannerisms that I may experience if I chose to become his wife. It’s evident that they had a reason to be concerned but I loved him for who he was and I still love him but I do not feel as if I am in-love with him anymore. He has diminished my womanhood and I feel at fault even though I know I am not. How do I make him see that it’s not my biological fault and that it is a blessing to have children despite their sex?

Maurice’s replies,

My dear it’s very simple, your husband wants a son so you must convince him that he is the ulimate answer to having a healthy bouncing baby boy and that without him it will almost be impossible to conceive a boy hence why the two of you need to see the specialist together. You could explain your situation to the specialist and he can call your husband and explain the urgency of his presence. I do have a concern though, as you said your husband’s taunting has taken its toll on your womanhood and that can have serious effects to your well being especially if your choice is to have another baby. Take that into consideration and have a candid chat with your doctor and outline any effects your mental state may have on your pregnancy if you do go down that road. Consult with the specialist and please do keep me in the loop, I will assist where I can.

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