mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have been happily married to a wonderful loving man for 8 years. I am 40 this year. We have 3 kids and hoping for a four to close the chapter. However, I can’t seem to let go of my ex boyfriend who has been in my life for the last 24 years, though we only dated for 4 years.  

Men have always come and gone but my ex has been the constant in my life. I can go to him about anything and he usually comes through for me but his girlfriend is not happy with our bond. She only found out we keep in-touch when she went through his phone she then called me and the rest I’m sure you can work out. Anyway my husband knows all my male friends but I have never disclosed to him about my ex as a former boyfriend, he only knows that we grew up together and once in a while we all go out for drinks with other friends.

Maurice’s asks,

Have you really let go of your ex, were you in-love or was it just puppy love considering you knew each other in your teens?

She replies,

Yes I did love him, as for being in-love I am not sure but I know I care about him a lot. He has been there when others were not.

Maurice’s says,

Would you say he is like your soul mate of sorts? 24 years of knowing someone is a long time.

She replies,

I never thought of him in that way but I guess he is my soul mate, my confidant. He is there when I need someone to talk to apart from my husband who I can not fault because he too is there for me.

Maurice’s asks,

Now that I have a better understanding of what your ex means to you, what exactly do you want from me, you said you are happily married so why lie to you husband about your past, do you want me to validate your relationship with you ex to ease your guilt?

She replies,

Maurice my husband would not understand my friendship with my ex, he would blow it out of context yet it’s an innocent friendship. I am not involved romantically with my ex and haven’t been for many years now.

Maurice’s says,

I sense guilt. You have used the word ‘bond’ twice and in words I deduce a lot especially if someone is trying to down play a status in their life. In your case I have the feeling that you still have strong feelings for your ex and the reason for your break up is probably the only reason why you are not married to him but the reason could not sever your bond as you call it. If your friendship with your ex, which in my professional opinion I believe is not healthy for the long term survival of your marriage, was innocent and not romantic in anyway I don’t believe you would be writing to me. You found a good man and married him and you live with the guilt that even though you may not be involved with your ex you still keep him around because of attributes in him you still find attractive. You may never stray and break your marital vows but in my experience with your love triangle scenario the truth always has a way of coming out. You need to ask yourself if this bond with your ex is worth a future rift between you and your husband and on whose side would you be if it came to a choice between your loving husband and your ex lover? Note that I haven’t mentioned your kids who would also be affected if your marriage experienced a bumpy patch or ended. It’s all about your priority and loyalty to one man, we don’t always have the choice to have our cake and eat it too. Decisions have consequences and sometimes if we make the wrong ones however harmless we think they are its most of the time too late to undo the damage of a broken heart.

Dear Maurice,

I never thought in a million years that I would be asking for help from an outsider but I have been made to choose between my marriage and my career. I have been married for 5 years, no kids, just my husband and I and our beloved poodle.

We have known each other for approximately 11 years. From the beginning we both had career ambitions, until last year in November we had supported each other in everything. We have disclosed everything and I mean everything to each other over the years, we know about each other’s salaries, bonuses, individual investments, you name it we have shared. I would like to say that unlike many of my married peers communication and sharing of information has never been an issue in our marriage. However, when I eventually received the promotion I have worked so hard for my husband suddenly changed. I don’t even know how to explain what might have happened to him but he is no longer receptive, he is very moody and suspicious of me with other men now that my new job title requires me to travel on business and attend company functions.

A week ago he came home at around midnight after a few drinks and he uttered these words “honey I love you but if you don’t leave your job our marriage is over”. In response I asked him where all this was coming from, he said that I had changed as his wife and if we are going to end up breaking up which he can foresee we might as well do it now. I don’t read minds but what I could make of it is that he is threatened by my career progression, is that the case?

Maurice replies,

Let’s back track a little, so can I confirm that what you are saying is until you received your promotion, last year, your husband had not shown any signs of wanting you to leave your job? As I think about it, it would also be counter productive for him to support you for all those years then change his mind once you achieved your goal. Which leads me to my next question where I need to put you on the spot and ask if you believe that you have changed as a person since your promotion, for example, has your confidence level changed in general, are you the wife you were at home before the promotion?

She replies,

My husband was the one who pushed me to attain my goals and always reassured me about my ambitions whenever I felt they would never come true. So no he never once hinted that my work was affecting our marriage. My husband is his own boss with a very successful business and I would like to believe that he recalls when I was the one pushing him to achieve his dream of running his own business. And yes I believe I am a much more confident woman now that I have been given my own department to run at work. I always knew I was ready to take on my current responsibilities at work and it feels great to apply my skills every day and earn respect from my colleagues. I’m I the same wife to my husband; well to be honest a few things did change. I come home later than before but not everyday, if I’m not working late in the office I am at a client’s function networking. As I said I travel at least twice a month.

Maurice comments,

So your quality time has decreased and more often your husband is either waiting up for you or asleep when you get home? Can I assume that your husband is the type of man who has always made time for you above all? Can I also assume that you still share information as you did before, meaning you will come home and share at length about your days at work, your new responsibilities and your experiences in your travels and at company functions? Would that be correct?

She replies,

Yes Maurice, that is correct. By any chance are you implying that my husband feels neglected or that my new post has changed me as a wife? If I may, my husband was well aware of the commitment my work would demand from me if I received the promotion. I love my husband for his support and without him I would not have had the determination to work hard. So it just does not make any sense that he would make me choose between him and my job that I equally love.

Maurice’s replies,

In my opinion I believe your husband is threatened by your new career path, it has changed your life style or should I say relationship routine. Do I think you should quit your job, not at all. Despite what most of society thinks, sacrifice has never been a long term solution to avoid a rift nor has it been a path to happiness, it only eventually leads to resentment. What you need to do my dear is pick a weekend, go for a getaway if you can, and rekindle the moments shared when you promised to support each other over the years. Your husband is feeling left out, it may not make any sense to you but like many things about us men we feel threatened when your lifestyle takes a sudden change for the better even though we knew it would. I am very sure your husband knows you are not involved with other men; all he needs is your attention. He wants to know he is still everything to you. Everyman has a little boy inside him who just needs to be reassured that he is your protector, your King, your source of happiness. Our egos come in many forms and believe it or not we are simple beings, just overwhelm him with manly praise by telling him that if it wasn’t for him you would not have achieved your promotion and also tell him that taking your passion away from you will only make you sad and miserable. If you get my drift I want you to periodically use your feminine side to praise and seduce your husband, we men are suckers for uplifting words from a woman we care and love. It’s actually a form of manipulation which yields positive results and keeps your relationship healthy.

Dear Maurice,

I hope this message finds you in good health. I am going through a lot at the moment and I can’t explain why that is. I am 16 but I feel much older. I have grown up with people older than me so I think my life is on some sort of speed dial if you get what I mean. I have dated boys my age since I was 14 and I find them immature and boring. I like guys who are men not boys. I have been told by many older guys that I look older than my age and they compliment my body. I developed early so I have the full package that men like and I love the attention. Is that common with girls my age?

Maurice replies,

Well it is common for girls your age to be attracted to older boys or men however it’s not wise to act on your hormonal calling to explore with older men. I am eager to know where this dialogue is going? Oh, thank you for your concern regarding my health, I don’t recall anyone else bothering to ask. So whats going in your teen life?

She replies,

Maurice I may be 16 but I know when a man is trying to remind me that I am still a young naive girl. Stand corrected I am not naive so stop talking to me as if I am a child, it offends me.

Maurice’s replies,

I do apologise young woman, is that better.

She replies,

lol, you are a piece of work but I still need your help. I broke my virginity at 14 with a 28 year old guy.

Maurice’s comments,

You did what at what age? Do you realise that was statutory rape? Are your parents aware of your current social life? I sense a disconnect between you and them otherwise they would monitor your day to day activities.

She replies,

I don’t need a lecture and look who’s being naive now? It was consensual, I knew what I was doing despite what people think. Many of my friends in school started to have sex around the same age. I did not expect you of all people considering what you write about and your exposure to be so narrow minded. And I do not want to talk about my parents, all I am saying is mum died and Dad is too busy to notice me. Are you willing to be open minded and hear me out or should I leave it there?

Maurice’s says,

I’m all ears, go ahead.

She replies,

Good. Anyway since my first time which I must say was wack compared to the sex I am having now, I am constantly in need of sex. I think I am addicted or something and I get bored of guys very fast especially those who can’t keep up with me. I spoke to my older cousin and she just said that although she does not approve she thinks I have a high libido for sex. I read about the libido it means I am the kind of girl who likes to have sex a lot. Is my cousin right and is it like a disease, will it become worse because right now I have sex 4 times a week and I still want more but I can’t always get away from home? I do not have a boyfriend just sex pals.

Maurice’s replies,

Thanks for reminding me what libido means!!!! You sure know how to turn the tables round I can only imagine how manipulative you are towards men. For one, I do know that girls your age are sexually active but I’m not going to pretend as if it doesn’t bother me because it does. Waiting another 4 years to the age of 18 would not have been impossible but then again let’s move along. Do you use protection, I sure hope you do? And how many partners have you slept with to date?

She replies,

I have slept with 21 guys excluding my first, so 22 . I always insist on them wearing protection I have only done it once without but he took me for a check up over a period of 2 months just to be sure, so like I said I am not naive. I am young but I have a brain. I also read a lot about sex.

Maurice’s replies,

Speaking of brains. Shouldn’t you be utilising your brains in school, this is not a lecture it’s the reality of life. Granted its your life you can do as you please but choices we make today will define the future. You are very young and clearly aware of your actions. I don’t believe you are forced to do anything but you have a life ahead of you and boys/men are not going anywhere. All I can ask is that you concentrate on your studies. It doesn’t mean you should stop socialising but don’t let sexual desires be your priority.

She comments,

Maurice why haven’t you answered my question yet? And for your information I am an ‘A’ student. Unlike men I multitask and separate my social life from my studies.

Maurice replies,

I’m glad to know you’re clever so really you should know better ‘hint hint’. In my opinion in regards to your sex drive, you are most likely an nymphomaniac which is the name given to women who have a heightened desire for sex. Is it a disease, is it an addiction, well, it’s still a debate within the domain of sexologists. However it has been known to lead to depression, ruin relationships and because you are having sex more often then the average person you are more prone to be exposed to a variety of  STDs if you are not extra careful.

It’s not to be taken lightly. Even though studies are not 100% conclusive, it has been researched that up to 60% of female sexual addicts were abused during their childhood. If this applies to you then I strongly recommend that you seek assistance from a psychiatrist who is a specialist in childhood abuse. You can start by visiting a women’s centre they will point you in the right direction.

A plea from me:

TO MEN, COME ON GUYS WOMEN OF AGE ARE PLENTY LET’S GIVE THE UNDER 18s A CHANCE TO GROW UP AND ENJOY THEIR CHILDHOOD, WHAT IF THIS WAS YOUR DAUGHTER or SISTER.

Dear Maurice,

Where do I begin?

I am a wife and a mother of 5 children, my youngest is 14 years old. I was married at 22 and have been married for 28 years now. In those 28 years I have been through thick and thin with my husband regardless of what he throws at me I have stood by his side not because of the children but because I married for life, I am a big believer in till death do us part and will stick with it as I am not about to break my vows. Now in regards to my husband he has always been a traditionalist and that is something I have had to adapt to but it was not easy especially during our first 4 years of marriage.

When we met I was a very out going woman with plenty of friends and hobbies, needless to say he stripped me of those pleasures of life. He is a loving man who provides for his family and when it suits him he will treat me like the most special woman but unfortunately that is where the good side ends.  On our fourth year of marriage I came to find that he had an affair with my neighbour’s house help and got her pregnant. She was fired from her work and my husband did his part and decided to support the baby, which he still continues to do to date. I was upset as you can imagine and hated him for a while. I moved out to my friend’s place for 5 weeks but I later forgave him for his adulterous actions. Another part of the saga that annoyed me was that he defended his actions stating that in his culture he is allowed to have multiple wives and that I should not fuss about it because I would always be his first wife. Maurice I painfully took his words and despite the hurt I was determined to maintain my family no matter what.

Maurice asks,

It’s probably an obvious question but did you by any chance identify the kind of man you were dating before you married him; did you sense his traditionalist character?

She replied,

Yes I knew the kind of man he was and still is. I knew about his believes in regards to the family unit. I knew that his extended family led a certain life style where men married more than one wife so in a way I knew it may affect me however I also thought that he would discuss it with me and not impregnate a house help behind my back. I am very well aware that men who practice polygamy will always consult with their existing wife or wives before they introduce another woman to the family I never got that memo. Living with my husband has been an experience and I have learnt a lot about male unorthodox practices and behaviours.

Maurice’s comments,

You have been married long enough to assess your man and you have clearly accepted his character and the actions that come with that character, you also imply you know men pretty well, so at this point I must admit I am puzzled because I haven’t determined what it is you need from me?

She replied,

Maurice to my horror I recently found out from my husband’s close friend that he has 2 more children with the house help. I then visited her at her upcountry home and she confirmed the same. He built her a 3 bedroom house and apparently over the years he has been visiting her and spending weekends with her. In my mind it all added up because I prodded information from her about dates and she confirmed a lot. He supports her and guess what? His family knew about it, and behind my back she was traditionally confirmed as a second wife and life went on as if I never existed.

But here is the icing on the cake. While we were candidly chatting she happened to mention that in 2008 my husband acquired himself a young 19 year old girl from his home area and she has a 2 year old baby. It is alleged that he is in the process of confirming her. She is currently living with her parents but from what I hear he has received blessings to marry her and educate her through her campus years.

Maurice asks,

I must ask, is your husband wealthy? I mean, in this day and age it’s not easy to keep 3 wives.

She replied,

Well the man has a full time job as a company MD and 2 personal businesses so I guess he can afford the life style he chooses to live. I am a house wife but I also run a successful business which was funded by my husband over a decade ago.

I am lacking companionship, a loving full time husband, a man who only wants to be with me because I never thought I would share my man yet I am doing it everyday.

Maurice asks,

Do you really truly still love your husband or are you there because it’s an easier option to maintain status quo, the devil you know syndrome?

She replied,

Maurice I love that man. Whenever he comes home he finds a cooked meal waiting and I still share a bed with him and we still share intimate moments. During that period I shut out all other thoughts and enjoy every minute spent with him. I know I sound odd but love is a powerful feeling and I can’t ever leave him despite all the things he has put me through.

I want to tell him that I know about his other women and that I don’t care about that part of his life but he now needs to only provide for them and become exclusive to me. I need to feel like the woman he married. I am a very balanced and practical woman I cannot change what has occurred but I would like to believe that I have a future with my husband exclusively. I still have a lot of love and passion for him, so how can I convert him for him to see that I am all he needs in a woman?

Maurice replies,

My dear I would love to tell you that your current irregular relationship status will change in time but let’s review the facts. You have been married for a long time and from the beginning you knew the character you were marrying. Playing the supportive wife you allowed for things to escalate over the years. Your husband got another woman pregnant early in your marriage and in my opinion I believe there was never an honest heart to heart between you to share and establish a foundation of honesty and trust that would limit a repeat occurrence hence the additional kids with his first mistress, if I may call her that, and now there’s a third woman with child.

I believe that your husband suffers from a kind of narcissistic personality disorder. Let me shed some light to this behavior; your husband has worked hard to acquire not only a top management post but also 2 businesses. He craves ‘prestige’ and his wealth gives him that. He also craves to feel like a man which comes in many forms, in his case he has ‘power’ as a boss and he maintains 3 women and unlike the common trend in many men he makes sure that all his women are well catered for. And that he does not do out of the goodness of his loving heart, some may disagree but that’s my opinion. He may be the most loving man on the planet but his compulsive nature drives him to believe that he can love many women. My last hypothesis is that your husband at some stage of his life may have experienced a state of feeling inadequate and formulated a strategy to work hard, acquire what he needed to feel that he has conquered the World and you have been part of that development.

You can try and convert him as you put it, but I don’t see that path bearing any fruit. Your only viable option is to sustain the life you have led with your husband, cherish those moments you described and endeavor to make them as regular as possible. You have chosen to stay with him so as a practical woman it’s now your turn to strategize on ways of keeping your husband occupied.

Maurice I thought your interracial article was quite enlightening. I have been married for 8 years to the most loving man a woman could wish for, he is a Swede and I am Kenyan.

 We have two kids in their teens. You must be asking how old I am but I won’t say for now. From the beginning of our courtship I always suspected that one day I would regret one crucial part of our marriage, our sex life has had it’s ups and downs however my husband was never the kind of man who took sex as a big deal I guess that was one quality about him that I loved.

Unlike previous relationships with Kenyan men who initially just wanted to get between my legs before establishing our dating status; my husband was very different. I guess he was the perfect gentleman. We went out on dates for about 8 months before we had sex, it was bliss, it was romantic, he made me feel special and it was all new to me so no wonder he became mine to keep and cherish.

But now I have a problem, the qualities that made me fall inlove have come to haunt me. I don’t know what is happening to my body but in the last three years I have craved sex more than I used to and my husband is not able to fulfill my need. Last year he moved out for a week accusing me of cheating and no I did not. I fell out of love with Kenyan men a long time ago and going back is not an option. Although I must admit that I once dated a man who knew my body inside out, the sex was great but he was a serial cheater. He came back home and apologised though I knew it was my constant need for sex that sparked the argument. I love my husband but I can’t control my sexual desires and I only go to him to quench my need for love making but it’s taking a toll on him though being a man he won’t tell me. I see how had he tries to keep up with me but when he gets tired before me which is more often than not I see the disappointment in his eyes. Maurice I know I am crushing his ego and I need you to tell me how to establish a balance, it may sound selfish but I need to satisfy my craving with my husband so help me?

Maurice ask’s,

How often do you have sex on average and how often do you cum over that period?

She replied,

We have sex at least 3 times a week, once a day and depending on his energy levels, mind you he is only four years older than me, I can say I cum once and sometimes twice over the week. You see my problem.

Maurice asks,

Do you have sex within an hour or 2 after a full meal? Is your sex spontenious or is it semi-planned, I ask because your husband is aware of his duty which he must embark on to try and satisfy you. This can result to below average sex sessions because instead of it being fun it because a job, an obligation ‘literally’ which over time elevates your husband’s stress and lowers his urge for sex which leads him to being unable to maintain an erection long enough to satisfy you or pleasure you at all. Remember he knows that he has to keep up with you, that will surely make him feel less of a man.

She replies,

Yes we normally have a meal then put on a movie, which we never finish watching for obvious reasons, or we just get straight to the deed. I see your point.

Maurice’s replies,

It’s not standard practise for men to be taught when to eat before sex but I recommend that you have sex, make love, whatever you want to call it at least 4 hours before a heavy meal, though you can  have small portions within those hours. This allows for sufficient blood flow to the right place.

In addition, I advised strongly that you have a ‘ego boosting’ chat with your husband and tell him that your sex drive has gone up and you still and will always find him ‘sexy’, a stud, your stud, your stallion. What ever it takes to uplift his manhood it’s key to your sex life. Men too like to be reassured just as often as women do the only difference is use words and phrases that would relate to man. You know your man well ‘I assume’ so make him feel ontop of th World and adopt foreplay so that he arouses you as he follows instructions of what areas of your body make you tick, make you tingle, make you want to scream. Some sexual momentum must be created before the ‘maincourse’ if you get my drift and once your man ‘visually’ notices that you are getting turned on it will turn him on too. The adoptation of foreplay instead of getting straight into intercourse will alliviate the pressure of your husband having to over work himself. In time your husband’s mind set will change with your new method of building up to the ‘maincourse’.

Sex is a very physical action whether done slowly or with vigour however if the mind is not set to ‘stimulate’ the feel good juices that are released in our brains then the act of sex will not be enjoyable. Go down on each other, if you like it that is, touch each other, you have grown to know your bodies well so now take a course in teaching each other about your bodies. It’s a refresher course, highly recommended.

Give him saliva lubricated blow jobs, hand jobs, ask him how he like his member stroked, it’s all about changing his mind set so that he feels that you still find him manly that will improve your sex life over time. You are aware of your change of sex drive now impliment other sexual acts that arouse both of you and let it not be about the end result, let it be about exploring, having fun and incorporate food into your sex life as part of your foreplay if you both agree to it. Also tell him repeatedly over your sex session ‘in a sexy voice’ where your most sensitive areas are and how you want him to play with them.

Sex is a journey and there are many pit stops of pleasure along the way so stop thinking about the destination and enjoy the trip, enjoy the thrills of all human senses, get wild google ‘arousal points’ and see if they work for both of you. Remember you can only find when you explore.

Dear Maurice,

I am 31 with curves to die for, thought you should know. I would say that I am pretty out going and  love to meet new people. Last year in December while holidaying I met the guy of my dreams in South Coast.

 He is 38, very romantic, very sensual, highly sexually active, which makes a change compared to my past experiences and he has a heart of gold. He loves travelling around the country doing conservation work and he also loves deep sea diving and I actually had a go reluctantly but he really made me feel comfortable and safe. Feelings I never felt with any other guy. I have been in 3 other serious relationship and they just don’t compare in anyway with how this guy treats me.

In August I decided to take him home to meet my parents and that did not go as I had expected. Don’t get me wrong he received a good welcome however after we left a few days later I was called back home and my father made it very clear that he was not ok  with me dating a white guy. The one guy who treats me so good ends up being rejected by my father. Mum is on the fence if you ask me but the weird thing is that my parents raised me and my siblings to believe that all people were equal regardless of race. I went to schools that had plenty of white kids and over the years my parents never showed any reservations towards my multicultural circle of friends. So I can have white friends but I can’t date a white man is that it? I am ashamed of my parents especially in this day and age, skin colour should not be an issue. I plan to continue dating him but how do I make my parents understand that my happiness comes first?

Maurice’s reply,

My dear. Despite the obivious I don’t see an issue at all. Yes your Dad is against you dating a white guy ‘so what’, he’s not the one sleeping with him. Our parents will always have an opinion on who we should date or marry. As it is in this day and age we still have parents who would strongly prefer that couples be of the same tribe, sometimes you can be of the same tribe but the problem is you happen to come from a region they particularly don’t like, illogical excuses. Very few people can tell you that they never had any huddles with their parents regarding dating. No one is every good enough.

You must also look at it from your Dad’s point of view, maybe you have never taken a guy home and if you have your parents must have sensed that you were really into this guy and that probably took them by surprise and Dads do find it hard to muster that their baby girl is all grown up and she has fallen for a guy. Your mum is not on the fence she already knew the day would come and she just had to play it cool for your Dad’s sake if you get my drift.

I wouldn’t worry too much if I were you. It was the first meeting, did you realistically think your Dad would hug the guy and kiss him on the forehead like they do in Mafia movies! Your Dad hardly knows this new-ish guy, I believe a few more visits and letting the ‘two men bond’ will give your Dad the chance to assess the guy face to face and get to know him without you and your mum watching over them.

The good news for you is that studies do show that Interracial relationships do work and I am glad you are sexually compatible (it’s important), however the one obstacle is usually family. Issues can arise due to religious or cultural concerns. However if you as a couple can showcase solidarity in your relationship, having each other’s backs at all times then you have a better chance of making it long term. You have to be a bit stun with your parents its the only way your relationship will survive and hopefully in time your parents will respect you for standing your ground, yes there is the matter of respecting your parents wishes but your happiness MUST come first. Parents often forget how their relationship got to where it is, they too had to over come an array of reservations from their parents. But they over came hence why you exist.