Dear Maurice,
I have been married for 2 years, I am 32 and my husband is 35. Before marriage we never lived together but we dated for 8 years. We both had our own apartments and led a very independent cosmopolitan life. From the start we vowed never to demand from each other because personally I never grew up in an environment where my mother was pushed around by my father, my parents always had a relationship based on mutual consent. Now my problem is 2 years into our marriage he has suddenly thrown the “a wife must cook for her husband at all times” book at me. The problem has persisted since April of this year. Honestly Maurice, this is not the man I married, his mentality towards me as his wife has changed and I feel it hurting us in the long run.
Maurice asks,
So let me get this right, I am assuming you were never being the cooking type and he knew this from day one?
She replies,
Yes; he knows about my upbringing and it was never a must for girls in our home to learn how to cook. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. Our brother is a much better cook out of the four of us but that is out of his interest, as for my sisters only one cooks but again she cooks because she loves cooking not because she has to cook to please her husband. There’s nothing wrong with pleasing your spouse but for me cooking was never a priority and I won’t change my lifestyle anytime soon.
Maurice asks,
Ten years is a long time, has he ever brought up this issue before and can you describe your life in regards to ‘cooking’ before he threw the traditionalist book at you?
She replies,
Maurice when we first met we ate out a lot. We both had kitchens and house maids but we chose to wine and dine. That was the life I was used to as I was growing up. I have cooked for him about 6 times in our first 8 years and he has never complained about it nor has he made any insinuating remarks over the years. If anything he has always cracked jokes in the morning stating that we were still alive after having one of my dishes. I could and I still do see it in his eyes, he takes me for me and he knows when I do cook for him, it is out of the love I have for him. It is my bonus way of showing him how much he means to me and he appreciates my effort, but now I feel because I have a ring on my finger he has decided to become someone I don’t recognize. It’s actually scary because I keep asking myself is this the real him and all along was it just an act to pin me down.
Maurice says,
Don’t worry we will get to the bottom of this in no time. Now tell me how do his parents feel about your absence in the kitchen?
She replies,
Only his father had a problem with me. It was no surprise considering his from a different era where women were expected to perform certain duties. In the last 10 years I have had many talks with my mother-in-law and all she has ever asked from me is that I keep her son happy, not necessarily through his stomach, and she only accepted my way of life because herself she was never fond of cooking so in some way we kind of related. She knows her son is in good hands and he will eat everyday, where the food comes from and who cooks it should not matter as long as its tasty healthy food. We even share jokes about men’s expectations with my mother-in-law. I can say we are close but I don’t want to end up involving her in this non issue. Can her son just snap out of this sphere he seems to have entered?
Maurice comments,
Nothing happens by chance or by some randomness especially in your scenario. Please describe the month of April or March, did you have relatives come over, did you travel to visit relatives, can you recall any other third party that may have been around your husband around that time, it could even be a long lost friend of his?
She replies,
The only thing my husband did was visit his homeland in February because we are in the process of building a getaway home there. And he was also there in April to check on the progress. How is that relevant?
Maurice comments,
So between February and April your husband has been travelling to his homeland and maybe even staying over for a few days to supervise the building of your home and I’m I to assume that while over there he has had contact with numerous relatives?
She replies,
Yes I guess so. Though I must confess I have only visited his homeland once. As I said earlier we live a certain lifestyle and travelling upcountry is not my cup of tea. His parents live in Nairobi so we don’t need to travel far.
Maurice’s comments,
I have no way of proving it because I wasn’t there during his visits but I strongly believe that there is a negative influence feeding him with illogical traditionalist information on how a wife should behave hence your rift due to his change of character. You may ask yourself how can my intelligent husband fall for such but the truth is it does. Especially if the influencer uses the manhood card and hits at him being foreseen as a weak male in his community if he is seen not to have control over his home. I suggest you have a ‘calm rational’ chat and just ask him questions that will lead him to sharing what he has shared with certain people while he has been away. The truth will finally come out. I don’t know your husband but a question that would induce a ‘facial expression’ that you would notice is “honey because I hate cooking would I be considered a bad wife in your home area?” Try it, the outcome may surprise you.
mauricetherapy 
My wife loves cooking and that’s one of the reasons I married her. She cooks for me on her off-days which is 3 or 4 times a week. We eat out / buy take-away once a week.
What’s the point of getting married if you’ll still eat like a bachelor? We can’t have kids growing up on take-away poison. If you won’t cook for your husband, someone else will.
I am glad you contributed however it is also good to point out that for me a woman who can cook is neither here nor there, cooking is not a quality I seek in a woman, that is just a societal criteria. A woman who cooks does not turn me on otherwise we as MEN would be queuing up at Utalii College. This is a good example of “MEN ARE NOT THE SAME”, the only thing we have in common is the attraction to women but our reasons to be with a woman differ from one man to the next.
If a woman cooks for a man that great, and let her do it cause she wants to, she should not cook as a duty, and it should never be a criteria of why you should stay with her as your girlfriend or wife. Men are caring beings (if they want to be), you will sincerely care for a woman regardless of her shortfalls. That is unconditional caring for another human being ‘your woman’ that nurtures a loving environment.
Any man who hasn’t experienced good home cooking wouldn’t miss it.