mauricetherapy

Hi Maurice,

I do hope you are keeping well in 2012. For me, this is going to be a year to reflect on my 16 years of marriage that has just ended. I appreciate your efforts since last year August.

Thank you for meeting us and for the sessions which helped me realise that I had to change my attitude towards my wife. It’s a bit ironic that she was the one who reached out to you for help and yet she has proven that she was not fully committed to mending our rift that was caused by our detachment because of our busy careers.

If adultery was in play I would understand her choice to leave me but considering we were making some progress especially following the bonding program you gave us, I do not understand why she opted to give up. She wrote me a letter and in short she was telling me she was no longer in-love with me but rather saw me as a good friend. It was hard to take in but what does a man do when the love of his life tells him she wants to move on.

16 years is a long time to invest in a marriage, where do I go from here, what do I do? Our kids are caught up in the middle. They want to know why mum has moved out to her parents home. There’s only so many excuses I can give before they realise mum has moved out for good. Did she leave our kids because they are teenage boys? I have so many unanswered questions but I also fear to hear the truth. Is there a chance that she may think this over and return to us? Its selfish of her to quit when we were making progress, unless it was all an act on her part. I just don’t know what to think anymore. For 16 years I have been faithful to my wife, has it been easy, not at all, but I was always loyal to our vows. Even when we had years of no intimacy, I managed to stay faithful. Our marriage was not and is not perfect in anyway but she should have stuck it out and made it work.

Maurice replies,

I am equally surprised at your wife’s actions. She showed such promise in rekindling your bond. There were no signs that she was struggling with the program. What I would do for now is lay low and give her some space. She may have convinced herself that you are not enthusiastic about saving your marriage and decided to quit. As you can recall she came to me based on your lack of giving her attention, quality time. Though we established that your careers were the main obstacle that lead to your disconnection over the years. Give her time and tell your boys the truth they are old enough to know, it’s better you tell them before they start to speculate and cloud their minds with negative energy. I will be keeping in-touch. For now, don’t worry yourself, after 2 weeks we can revisit the matter. In case she contacts you in that time please do keep me in the loop, we may need to meet one more time. Which ever way your path will lead you, you both need some form of  closure.

Dear Maurice,

I am 24 and very much in-love with a man who does not feel the same.  I have dated him for the last 5 years. We met at my pal’s birthday party and fell deeply in-love with each other. For 3 years he gave me nothing but sweet pleasure whenever we were together. He wined and dined me every week and at that time I felt so special, I felt like a woman, his woman.

 Little did I know that I was to receive a call from a woman claiming to be his wife of 9 years and she asked to meet me for a friendly chat. We met last month and I told her I was not aware he was married. She then proceeded to tell me that I was her third case in a span of 2 years and she too was getting tired of her husband’s cheating antics. Maurice I was heart broken at that point but I held it together. Here was this handsome loving man that I fell in-love with and he had taken me for a ride for all those years, telling me how much he loved me. Apart from cheating on his wife to hear from her that he had other women was very hurtful. I thought I meant the World to him.

Maurice replies,

My dear, I hear you loud and clear but I must remind you that he is not your man, he belongs to another despite what he may have told you or promised you. How old is this Casanova?

She replies,

He is 39 with 2 kids according to the wife.

Maurice replies,

I am amused by that phrase ‘according to the wife’, I don’t think the wife is hallucinating or imagining the kids, I’m sure they have 2 kids if that’s what she told you. I know you want him to yourself but that is not an option and even if he were to leave his wife, which is extremely rare, would you trust in a man who clearly appears to be having his cake and eating it too with multiple women. And no, he will not change anytime soon not unless he receives a total brain replacement, again not an option you have. My dear as painful as this scenario is for you, you need to move on with your life and if it’s meant to be love will come your way in form of a man who can at least concentrate all his energies on you.

She replies,

That is harsh Maurice.

Maurice replies,

It’s a clear picture of your predicament and it’s also the bare truth. You can’t escape from the truth and create your own alternate Universe of love. For your own peace of mind and emotional well being you need to forget this man. And the reason why the pampering declined is because he was caught by his wife. The little time he gives you is all he can offer. That is not a relationship.

She replies,

But there’s another issue.

Maurice asks,

Which is?

She replies,

I am 2 months pregnant with his child. The wife does not know but I want to tell her so she can advise me on my next move.

Maurice says,

Are you out of your mind, you want advise from the woman who’s husband got you pregnant. Do you have a death wish. I’m sure she may have been calm and collected when you first met her but this is an entirely new ball game, I don’t think she will welcome you with open arms this time round. If anyone has to tell her it should come from her husband.

She replies,

He doesn’t want more kids. He has already hinted that he will help me abort. He has offered to pay me a considerable amount for my silence and he wants it done through his advocate.

Maurice asks,

What was your reply to his offer?

She replies,

I told him I will think about it, I am confused Maurice. What should I do?

Maurice replies,

There’s no amount of cash that equates to your child. Secondly, its your choice however abortion is not a solution I would recommend. But like I said it’s your choice to make. Whatever your decision is, make sure you can live with it for the rest of your life and please unless she makes contact with you, do not approach the wife. Her knowing about your pregnancy is not my concern its more about your welfare and safety. If you do meet her make sure you have a third party with you.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 2 years now, I am 27. About 6 months ago I lost my job because I rejected my boss’s advances. I have been advised by friends and family to sue but I can’t bear the embarrassment.

However the reason I am writing to you is because I am now homeless.

I told my husband why I had lost my job and instead of supporting me he was convinced I was having an affair with my boss, so much for telling the truth. My husband is a very temperamental man and he has threatened to divorce me. He has involved my parents and they too are mystified by my husband’s reaction. I am staying with a friend but I can’t stay here indefinitely. How can he think I was having an affair?

Maurice’s asks,

How long did it take you to tell him that you had lost your job?

She replies,

I only told him about 4 weeks ago.

Maurice’s asks,

Why did it take you 5 months to tell him?

She replies,

I was afraid about how he would react, I thought he would confront my boss and make a scene at the office, trust me my husband is a confrontational kind of man and I feared the worst. But I did not expect him to label me as a cheating wife. Maurice I am only 27, married only for 2 years after knowing a man for 3 years. How can he turn his back on me when I need him the most? I am stressed, broke and the way things are going I might be a young divorcee all because I did the right thing and shared with my husband.

Maurice’s asks,

Have you ever had any quarrels regarding suspected infidelity before?

She replies,

When we met I was periodically in and out of a relationship with a guy I once loved but we had so many issues, that relationship was not going anywhere though I must admit I hoped things would change. But that was the past.

Maurice’s comments,

You haven’t answered my question?

She replies,

Maurice it was a small issue during our first year together and we resolved it, I really don’t see the relevance.

Maurice’s comments,

If you want my help let me be the judge of that small issue, so what happened?

She replies,

Well, when I met my current husband he treated me with love and respect but I was still hung up on the other guy I was dating on and off. My husband found out that I was still seeing the other guy and even though we were not exclusive he took it personally and I guess I hurt him. I told him everything; how I had once lied I was at my parents when I was really with the other guy. Back then I made a couple of mistakes but I came clean and I swore I would never ever go behind his back. It took a while but he finally forgave me and here we are married but now I’m afraid he won’t ever trust me.

Maurice’s replies,

I believe that your husband’s trust for you will take time, it’s easy to forgive but the mind never forgets. The fact that another man, your boss, was the reason you got the sack has most probably triggered hurtful memories of your first year together and that in-turn has bruised your husband’s ego. One factor that goes against you is that you took months to tell him that you had lost your job. In his mind your fears don’t register, all that is running in his mind is whether history is repeating itself and to what extent have you been dishonest. I agree that in an ideal World he is supposed to support you without question but in your case there’s an incident that occurred once and that has never really faded from his mind. I am curious, where were you going every morning considering you lost your job months ago?

She replies,

I was helping out a friend who has a shop. That kept me going as I decided on when to tell my husband the truth. Do you think he will forgive me; he won’t even answer my calls. My friend tried to explain but he told her to mind her own business and that she was part of the problem.

Maurice’s replies,

Your husband is hurting and he needs to cool off. Refrain from delegating your responsibility to your friends, they can’t help you. What I recommend is that you text him over and over, not just saying sorry but sincerely telling him that you made an error and you should have shared with him the minute you lost your job. I suggest you also email him, do not use his work email just his personal one. Reassure him ‘repeatedly’ that your intentions were genuine and that no man can ever replace him. Whatever you do DO NOT attempt to make him feel guilty that might back fire on you. Men regardless of how ‘manly’ we portray ourselves, we also need to be soothed with loving words, we need reassuring. Everyman has a little boy inside him that needs some ‘TLC’ once in a while.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for the last 16 years and I don’t think I can take anymore verbal taunting from my husband. I am 43.

We have 4 daughters and as a mother I was blessed to have them without any complications. However with my husband he has never really been happy to have daughter after daughter. From when we met 19 years ago he always wanted to have 2 sons and maybe a daughter, having sons has been more important to him, it’s like he has an obsession. Our last born is now 5 years old and our eldest is 14. I am constantly reminded that I have failed him as a wife, especially when he comes home from the pub, because according to him I only produce girls and even his family have hinted that he should have married his ex girlfriend who they have kept tabs on and she has 3 sons. We come from different tribes with very conflicting views and I don’t think I can take anymore abuse from his cultural expectations. Can you help?

Maurice’s replies,

Are you aware that the general theory is that men determine the sex because men can donate either an X chromosome or Y chromosome, while females can only donate an X chromosome? In other words, in most cases it is the man that determines the sex of the baby. A study done in the UK also revealed that men who have more brothers are more likely to have sons and if they have more sisters they are likely to have daughters. However that theory does not apply to women.

She replies,

Maurice my man is a typical African man that explanation won’t fly with him. He has demanded that I see a medical specialist and I find ways of having boys otherwise he will seek a son with another woman. He said he has never cheated and that is why he has given me the opportunity to give birth to a boy. And I quote, he said he is willing to be patient with me but I must not produce anymore girls.

Maurice’s comments,

Your husband can embark on trying to have sons with multiple women and still fail. I can imagine it’s hurtful for you and it may be making you feel inadequate but please your biological make up is not in question. Again it’s not up to you whether you will give birth to a boy or girl. Your husband regardless of his believes must be made to muster the facts of reproduction. If he has insisted you see a specialist then you should go together so that he can receive the civic education he needs to understand how the sex of babies is determined.

She replies,

I did ask him to accompany me but he said that he has no problem and that it’s a female issue. I do not think you understand my husband is a very proud man and despite your advice which makes sense to me I will only probably end up being thrown out of my home if I bring up the part of us going to a clinic together. It’s not often but when he loses his cool he does hit me. I know you are asking why I stay in that environment but what choice do I have, I have invested many years into this marriage and it’s my duty as his wife to satisfy his wishes. We have lived by those rules for years it’s not something I can change.

Maurice asks,

Have you shared your dilemma with your family, for example your parents?

She replies,

Yes I have but it was thrown back in my face because my parents were against my marriage due to the tribe my husband comes from, they had warned me about unrealistic demands and uncouth mannerisms that I may experience if I chose to become his wife. It’s evident that they had a reason to be concerned but I loved him for who he was and I still love him but I do not feel as if I am in-love with him anymore. He has diminished my womanhood and I feel at fault even though I know I am not. How do I make him see that it’s not my biological fault and that it is a blessing to have children despite their sex?

Maurice’s replies,

My dear it’s very simple, your husband wants a son so you must convince him that he is the ulimate answer to having a healthy bouncing baby boy and that without him it will almost be impossible to conceive a boy hence why the two of you need to see the specialist together. You could explain your situation to the specialist and he can call your husband and explain the urgency of his presence. I do have a concern though, as you said your husband’s taunting has taken its toll on your womanhood and that can have serious effects to your well being especially if your choice is to have another baby. Take that into consideration and have a candid chat with your doctor and outline any effects your mental state may have on your pregnancy if you do go down that road. Consult with the specialist and please do keep me in the loop, I will assist where I can.

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 2 years. I love my husband very much actually we are college sweethearts and have been together for 8 years in total. We did however break up for almost a year before getting back together.

In that time we both dated other people but just never found the connection  we have with other people. Anyway it’s been two years of ups and downs and most of the downs are about my love for clubbing with my friends. It was never a problem before but a few months after we were married I noticed a change of character with him lecturing me about my night life and dressing. Maurice I am only 27, I consider myself a hot cake and I’m still young at heart and we agreed before marriage that we would never dictate or attempt to change each other. Maurice I want to remain youthful and sexy so that my husband can find me irresistible always, I know how visual you men are so I’m keeping my groove on.

Maurice’s asks,

I assume you have reminded him of your agreement, what does he say about it?

She replies,

The first thing I see in his eyes and facial expression is a sign of acknowledgement but what comes out of his mouth are words of a typical African man, telling me that married women should not be out of the house after a certain time. He keeps saying that I am shaming him in-front of his friends and family. I don’t go out with his friends or family so what is the big deal, I have not changed so why has he? I don’t monitor him when he goes on trips out of town with his friends. I give him his space, time away from me so that we can do our own thing and for me I end up missing him and we both keep in-touch texting each other, basically doing the lovey dovey thing that couples do. I don’t believe he is out there cheating on me so why does he want to trap me, control me, I can never agree to stay home and he goes out and he knows that. We really, on a very serious note, discussed our expectations once we got married. It was me who brought it up early because I have seen family members become slaves to the matrimonial life and that was never going to befall me. Maurice I love him, when he is being the man I met and dated for so long he is a great guy but this customary backward thinking that erupts when I go out is not pleasing me and it’s kind of getting old. By the way I only go out at least twice a month, most of the time if we are not out with friends we are out together and I must confess I am lucky because we actually enjoy being together. I want my marriage to work and I think this is a non issue so how do I get him to understand that I am the same woman he fell for and that I am not willing to change just to please him?

Maurice’s replies,

Unfortunately your scenario is very common amongst newly married men. I believe your husband is receiving information from his peers and possibly family members of which really he shouldn’t be taking seriously but he is. As you know society in the African culture has a way of dictating what is acceptable and what is not. The mentality of a woman’s place is in the kitchen is still with us and the only way to keep culture from ruining your relationship is for the two of you to support each other and ignore advise from external forces like friends and family. It is easier said than done but that is the only realistic formula that limits conflicts with couples.

Now this is what you do; sit your husband down and in a very calm and loving way list the following in form of questions where he has no option but to say ‘yes’. Ask him if he finds you sexy? Then ask him if he finds you as sexy as he did when he first laid his eyes on you? Proceed to the next question which is also a statement and ask him, is he a visual being who is visually aroused by your sexy dress sense? If he is a wise man who values you for you he will undoubtedly answer ‘yes’ to the above questions at which point you will conclude with your last question. If you change your personality and your style of dressing and at some point you no longer consider yourself attractive will he be happy with you feeling un-sexy and miserable as his wife?

Again a wise caring man who wants to keep harmony in his relationship will agree with your line of questioning and at that juncture you should immediately commence to sooth his ego with how much you appreciate him and how much you love him and that you just want to lead the same life style you did before you got married. In your own feminine way make him understand that you are his for life and that is why you never question or doubt him when he goes out without you. Marriage should be a show of exclusivity to each other not a state of imprisonment accompanied by a string of rules.

Dear Maurice,

I have been seeing this girl for 2 years now. I have given her everything she has desired and needed, I have maintain a great lifestyle for her and this is what I get in return. Before I met her she was not rolling in the kind of car she drives today neither did she live in the kind of hood I live in.

Maurice asks,

So what did she do that’s got you in a knot, and how old are you both?

He replies,

I am 26 and she is 22. Can you believe she’s tripping on me?

Maurice says,

Please expound on her nature of ‘tripping’ which basically means she is most likely dogging on you, you see I do lingo too.

He replies,

Maurice stop playing, I am losing a lot of investment spent on her over the 2 years. I can’t prove it but I heard from my close dogs that she’s been seen driving around and clubbing with this particular guy we let into our click early last year.

Maurice asks,

Do you always use ‘slang’ in all your written work?

He replies,

Oh, its a habit I picked up in the States I was over there for 5 years.

Maurice asks,

And what is it you do for a living if you don’t mind me asking, you see I need to create a base line to ascertain the root cause of your current situation, you feel on that one?

He replies,

I hear you dog. I run part of my father’s business but I would rather keep that private is that cool.

Maurice replies,

oh yah we cool. So this guy you speak of, considering you got to know him last early year and I have a feeling you roll a lot with him would say he was your friend?

He replies,

I thought he was a hommie but now he’s hitting on my girl and trying to take over. Maurice what would you do?

Maurice replies,

Mate I’ve literally never been in your predicament so I would be lying, I guess I would be pissed off but I would ask my girl and find out if the guy is hitting on her.You only have your friends word to go on, you need more than just hearsay. First find out whats really going on then take it from there. If you are a good read of facial hesitation when you ask your girlfriend a question you will quickly know whether there’s anything to it.

He replies,

I can’t ask her because she’ll think I love her too much then she’ll start to disrespect me as a man. Real men don’t ask their women they go straight to the man and ask him face to face and settle the matter there and then.

Maurice asks,

So why have you bothered to write to me?

He replies,

I read your shit so I thought I would ask for your opinion.

Maurice comments,

It’s the first time my work has been called shit but I understand you ‘dog’. I need to ask you if you care or love the girl in question because since our dialogue begun I have not felt any feelings you have for her. It’s like your stone cold about relationship feelings. How did you guys meet by the way?

He replies,

No doubt, I have feelings for her and she knows it so I have no idea why she would do me like this? We meet through my cousin and we hit it off.

Maurice says,

Forgive me but I must ask, and I’m only speculating but I would appreciate the truth. Do you mean you took her from your cousin, you courted her away from him, if I’m wrong I apologise for the insinuation, so?

He replies,

How did you know, do you know who I am?

Maurice replies,

Mate, I read between the lines and over the many many years I have this knack for recognising scenarios. I can’t tell how but yours is text book scenario. The way you expressed yourself from the beginning was a dead give away. Do you really want to hear my opinion of this matter.

He replies,

Shoot.

Maurice replies,

Two years ago you set your eyes on a woman the obstacle was she was not yours to have but you played your cards right and she fell for the bait, I’m assuming she’s materialistic hence why she hooked up with you. If you ask me you probably did your cousin a favour however that said, even if you are the kind of  men that get there ego kicks from chatting up ‘taken’ women there’s always a rule, a boundary. In this case family is ‘out of bounds’ but that meant nothing to you. I tag you as a childish hit and run kind of guy but what took place was, you ‘hit it’ and the sweetness, plus I’m sure she’s a looker, kept you in checkmate which if you have played the game of Chess means ultimately ‘game over’. My good man you have been played at your own game, you know it and I know it.

Your girlfriend was a result of a mission conquest and she has been a trophy girlfriend for the last 2 years. Women are not stupid, they have instincts that we men ‘lack’ and once she reads your game she will out play you. Whatever you have spent on her, that was out of choice no one told you to be so generous so just log it down as a bad debt. Mate, you took from another man and sure she came willingly with no regard for your cousin, it never hit you that she might one day turn the tables on you?

He replies,

Dude you are the most upfront dog I have ever met, I respect that but if you told me that to my face it would be on. But we cool. I get what you are saying but I’m not going down without a fight.

Maurice replies,

Correction, we haven’t met but I hear you ‘dog’. Have a great 2012 and avoid other people women and on a very polite note don’t go around threatening strangers, that way you’ll live to prey on some other guy’s girl. At 28 with your attitude and characteristics I don’t believe you have finished playing the field but if you ever do change your ways keep me in the loop. Lastly, if you want to continue playing the field then don’t be exclusive to anyone, so you won’t hurt some pure soul and you can play as often as you want, but please do ‘play safe’ and wear protection at all times.