Dear Maurice,
I really need your advice. I have followed your blog for a while now but I never thought I would be asking for your help ‘no offense’. I live in Atlanta and I am soon going back home to Kenya. I have lived here for 12 years. In that time I have studied, worked and dated my
share of African American, Kenyan and Caucasian women. I am in love with my woman who happens to be Caucasian. I am 32 and she is 27. We have dated for the last 4 years and it has been an amazing 4 years. This is the woman I want to settle with but I have a major problem. My mother does not like the idea of me dating a white woman as she puts it. When we last spoke and I quote, she said ‘have your fun with those people and come back home to real women of your kind’. I had no clue how racist my mother was! It has made me reconsider moving back. What should I do?
Maurice asks,
If I may ask, does anyone in your family support your relationship?
He replies,
My Dad is cool, he is the only person who has spoken to her over the phone but he says this is my fight not his. In short he does not want to be seen as opposing his wife, loyalties and all. My sister and brother would careless to be honest, according to my mother one of them married into the wrong tribe.
Maurice replies,
Are you really in love or are you infatuated by her? I don’t ask to doubt you, but to win this battle you must be 100% sure. This is a woman you are going to relocate to the unknown, to a totally different social climate, it is paramount that she is the one for you. Are you afraid to hurt or disappoint your mother’s wishes?
He replies,
Good question. I am partly to blame for my predicament. I told my mother that I was dating a white girl on our 2nd year and from what I can tell she thought it was a rebound from the Kenyan girl I used to date prior. You see, my mother knows her folks despite only dating for 14 months. Once my mother knew I was dating a steady Kenyan she took it upon herself to know her folks. Even though we were taking it one day at a time, my mother had her own futuristic plans for us. I love and respect my mother but I do not want to choose between home and the woman I love. I am sure you have dealt with such cases before. I need your professional opinion so I can make my decision.
Maurice replies,
I should have asked you this, has your woman ever been to Kenya?
He replies,
No, this will be her first time out of the Continent.
Maurice replies,
With the fact that you are uprooting her to Africa apart from your mother you need to have the following in check. You need to have secured your own home and an income stream(s), you must be in a position to give your woman the same lifestyle or better while in Kenya. You also need to address her career (assuming she has one). While coming to Kenya will seem exotic and like a dream holiday when the dust settles she needs to be working. It is important for her own sanity for her to have something to do after you settle in that is.
Now about you and family. What I have witnessed over many years of dealing with this kind of case is that you need to follow your own life and prove to the World (your mother) that your decision is final and they must see that truly you are both in love and living life to the fullest. One thing that any parent comes to appreciate with time is your ability to stand firm for what you believe. If you always give in they consider you weak without telling you to your face, to the point where they begin to micro manage your every move. You must affirm to your mother that you love her and you must also shine your unwavering commitment to your woman for all to see, that is the only way you will gain respect from those who doubted your decision. Come home and create your own comfort zone. That is what being a man is all about.
He replies,
Okay Maurice. If I didn’t know better I would have said you were a mind reader. You have literally gone over my checklist. All the above are covered or should I say will be covered. My woman does have a career and luckily she received an offer to advance in Kenya. It is now up to us to decide on whether to move or not. At least you have shed some clarity to the family matter and I am forever thank you for your insight.
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Contrary to popular belief, family does not come first. Your mom is a control freak. How does she even think to visit your former Kenyan girlfriend’s parents when you had not declared your intentions to marry her? Be prepared for her to be hostile to your future wife. Ultimately, the decision you make should be in both you and your girlfriend’s interests. No-one else matters. Life is short. Do what’s best for you. You only live once. At the very worst, relocate back to the US.
with time your mother will come to appreciate the power of individual choice. obvious her detest of your choice emanates from perhaps a common societal misconception that people dating white ladies are doing so due to wealth associated with them ( sic ) or the assumption that they might not want to conform to Kenyan culture at home .with time she might love the wife and turn out to be best friends. handle it with lots of wisdom and benefit of foresight .
my prayers is that she accepts your choice and blesses you.
Most parents are still conservatives in the mindset and you have to cope with that too. Yes she is your mother, and she will chose to visit your family most often than not. You are the answer about your love life, and you have to ensure your love sparks by irreplaceable spark.Just set your priorities right and separate thruths from opinions about what your family says.
I wish you all the best.
thats a good advice maurice.