mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have a major choice to make and I need your help. I know what I am asking will not make sense but I feel lost, as if my life has been torn apart.

Maurice asks,

What is going on?

She replies,

I met my husband 4 years ago and we fell in-love instantly. He was living abroad and finally after 16 months of chatting we decided that it was best for him to join me because he applied for a job in Nairobi and he got it. We got married in November 2011. About 6 months ago I started to notice a change in attitude towards me, he would be moody or distant and when I asked he would brush it off with an excuse of stress at work and with his parents in Austria who in truth are quite an handful at times. I then just let it go until the worst day of my life came along.

Maurice asks,

What do you mean?

I walked into them having sex, I stood there in silence totally lost for words and I walked away. I left our home for 6 weeks, he pleaded that I go back home and eventually I returned. I have not forgiven him and we are not even talking.

Maurice asks,

When you say you walked into them, who and where?

She replies,

My husband and someone who I thought was a close friend. She has been there for me since high school so how she could betray me I can not understand. I know she fancies white men but with the social network we have did it have to be my man! They thought they were clever having it on in our guest house but our security guard mentioned that my husband and her were both in the house. I searched the main house and the pool area and as I approached the guest house I was not prepared for what I witnessed.

Maurice asks,

How can I help?

She replies,

Like I said I am close to my friend despite what she did and at the same time I love my husband. I am so mad right now but I do not want to make decisions that I may regret despite the obvious betrayal. My mother says that men will be men and that I can not afford to leave the life I have. That was not the advise I expected from my own mother but I guess that’s her way of thinking.

Maurice replies,

I know your dilemma. You do not want to lose either, one has been there for you through the trials of life and the other is your husband who despite all you still love. Look at it this way. You can never be the threesome you were as friends that is fact. Unless you are prepared to live a separate life with both which in itself will always bring up issues, your choice is not easy.

She replies,

I am not making excuses but one of the reasons I can’t leave my husband is because I feel partly responsible.

Maurice replies,

Explain.

She replies,

For a long while now I have not been the woman he met when it comes to sex and he has been telling me for months that he hates my conservative behavior towards sex. When we used to chat online he made it very clear what he likes sexually and out of the excitement of the moment I played along and when he finally came to Kenya we indulged in sexual acts that I have only experienced with him. Some were great and others well I did them for him. But after a while I began to pull back in the kinky department.

Maurice replies,

I hear you loud and clear. What you are describing relates to all men regardless of race. If you introduce something sexual to a man, the rule of thumb is simple, you can never take it away because for many it somewhat becomes a fetish, a sexual requirement. That said, instead of exploring with your friend your husband should have persisted and resolved his sexual cravings with you.

I know you will not leave him but you need to review your friendship with your female friend. She made a choice and it was the wrong one. She is currently a virus to your marriage. By the way did she apologise to you?

She replies,

She has apologised everyday through every social media and constantly trying to make it up to me. She admits it was a moment of lust and she wishes she could make it go away, I can forgive but forgetting will not be easy.

Maurice replies,

If you and your husband cannot create a mutual platform to pave way for your marriage to blossom from here then do not waste time arguing and pointing fingers just leave each other.

For now your only priority is mending your relations with your husband. This means sitting down and talking, being blunt about issues that lead to his actions. You are seeking a long term solution, having romantic dinners or receiving I am sorry gifts will not suffice. You already know what he did so less judgement and irrational back talk and more logical dialogue will give you a chance to move forward.

She replies,

Thank you Maurice.