mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

  I would be grateful to hear you insight on the influence of fathers over their children. I am facing such a problem at the moment. I have been married for 21 years, I am 47. My husband is 56, a proud man and very set in his ways and has been so for many years. Our son is 16 years old, we only have one child; I am fearful of my husband’s parenting methods especially within the last 2 years.  He is a good father, he does provide for his family but recently my son has become very close to his Dad to the point that they go out for a drink on weekends.

Maurice asks,

When do they go for a drink? And is your son taking alcohol?

It’s normally during the day. They go to the club or to the local where my husband socializes with his peers. I asked my son why he liked hanging out with his Dad and he replied “Dad is cool”. My suspicions were confirmed when one of my husband’s friends called me to ask why our son was being introduced to bars at such a susceptible age. I did not have an answer I told him to ask the father. I know that my son has tasted Whisky which he was given by his father but from what I heard it was just a sip.

Maurice asks,

Have you shared your concerns with your husband, you must have some say?

She replies,

Maurice, as I said before he is very set in his ways and can be difficult to get through to if he believes your concerns are irrational.

Maurice comments,

If you don’t mind me saying, I sense pure fear for your husband, is that the case or I’m I reading too much into your context of wording?

She replies,

Your concern is valid; 17 years ago my husband stopped beating me. He would beat me almost daily; that went on for a few years. Once I was hospitalized for a month after an argument. Since my conception he stopped being physical however it was replaced with a ‘don’t care’ attitude. If I’m honest, my husband is somewhat old fashioned, the kind of man who believes that women belong in the kitchen.

Maurice asks,

So you knew the kind of man you married? You still haven’t told me if you voiced your concern and what did he say about it?

She replies,

I have always known but as we women do, we hope and pray, I sincerely thought I could change him over the years. When I questioned his parenting methods the reply I got was “what do you know about 16 year old boys, I am teaching him how to be a man, only his father can do that”. I know my husband sounds rude but he means well deep down. He is just a tough nut to crack.

Maurice comments,

You have certainly gone through a lot yet you defend his attitude towards you, isn’t that a contradiction of what you seek, to bring up your son in a manner that makes you happy. To your knowledge is your son coming home smelling of alcohol, is your son doing poorly in his studies, is your son disrespectful to you and does he tend to side with his Dad?

She replies,

I know I sound strange on one side I am fearful and on the other I am supporting him. For years that is what I have known. The answer to your questions is no. My son is respectful to me and he has never shown to side with his Dad. He follows my instructions as his mother without question. I am just afraid of what he may become.

Maurice says,

You mean you are afraid that he might mimic his father in character and one day beat up a woman or women. I am not saying that your husband’s influence is the best however you have said that despite your husband’s violent past with you he has never shown that side to your son, I’m I correct?

She replies,

Yes you are correct. But as a mother I can’t help but fear for my son, I would hate to have him become his father.

Maurice says,

Currently you problem is not your son because he is not being exposed to a violent homestead. Your main problem is your husband and how you have become accustomed to communicating if you can call it communicating. I am now giving you my opinion.

I don’t think you are happy and I believe you haven’t been for a long time. I know you keep it together to shield your son from seeing his mother hurting inside but you now must take that step and seek counseling before it’s too late. I know your husband is difficult and the mention of counseling may get you in trouble but doing nothing in itself is just as bad. A happy content soul is what you should seek to be because your current state of mind may have fatal repercussion later in life. And don’t be fooled, your son may have noticed your troubles and he too shields you by playing ‘the happy home’. Please get further help from me or from any other counselor even within your faith. Do it for your own peace of mind. Remember in life you must make yourself happy first; you can share in happiness but never rely on someone to make you happy.