mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have been married for 2 years. I love my husband very much. We are college sweethearts and have been together for 8 years in total. We did however break up for almost a year before getting back together. In that time we both dated other people but just never found the connection we have as a couple.

Anyway it’s been two years of ups and downs and most of the downs are about my love for clubbing with friends.

It was never a problem before but a few months after we were married I noticed a change of character, with him lecturing me about my night life and dressing. Maurice I am only 27, still young at heart and we agreed before marriage that we would never dictate or attempt to change each other.

Maurice asks,

I assume you have reminded him of your agreement, what does he say about it?

She replies,

The first thing I see in his eyes and facial expression is a sign of acknowledgement but what comes of his mouth are words of a typical African man, telling me that married women should not be out of the house after a certain time. He keeps saying that I am shaming him in-front of his friends and family. I don’t go out with his friends or family so what is the big deal, I have not changed so why has he? I don’t monitor him when he goes on trips out of town with his friends. I give him his space, time away from me so that we can do our own thing and for me ‘I end up missing him’ and we both keep in-touch texting each other, basically doing the lovey dovey thing that couples do. I don’t believe he is out there cheating on me so why does he want to trap me, control me, I can never agree to stay home and he goes out and he knows that.

We really, on a very serious note, discussed our expectations once we got married. It was me who brought it up early because I have seen family members become slaves to the matrimonial life and that was never going to befall me. Maurice I love him, when he is being the man I met and dated for so long he is a great guy but this customary backward thinking that erupts when I go out is not pleasing me. By the way I only go out at least twice a month, most of the time if we are not out with friends we are out together and I must confess I am lucky because we actually enjoy being together. I want my marriage to work and I think this is a non issue so how do I get him to understand that I am the same person he fell for and that I am not willing to change just to please him?

Maurice replies,

Unfortunately your scenario is very common amongst newly married men. I believe your husband is receiving information from his peers and possibly family members of which really he shouldn’t be taking seriously but he is. As you know society in the African culture has a way of dictating what is acceptable and what is not. The mentality of a woman’s place is in the kitchen is still with us and the only way to keep culture from ruining your relationship is for the two of you to support each other and ignore advise external forces like friends and family. It is easier said than done but that is the only realistic formula that limits conflicts with couples.

Now this is what you do; sit your husband down and in a very calm and loving way list the following in form of questions where he has no option but to say ‘yes’. Ask him if he finds you sexy? Then ask him if he finds you as sexy as he did when he first laid his eyes on you? Proceed to the next question which is also a statement and ask him, is he a visual being who is visually aroused by your sexy dress sense? If he is a wise man who values you for you he will undoubtedly answer ‘yes’ to the above questions at which point you will conclude with your last question. If you change your personality and your style of dressing and at some point you no longer consider yourself attractive will he be happy with you feeling un-sexy and miserable as his wife?

Again, a wise caring man who wants to keep harmony in his relationship will agree with your line of questioning and at that juncture you should immediately commence to sooth his ego with how much you appreciate him and how much you love him and that you just want to lead the same life style you did before you got married. In your own feminine way make him understand that you are his for life and that is why you never question or doubt him when he goes out. Marriage should be a show of exclusivity to each other not a state of imprisonment accompanied by a string of rules.