mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have been happily married to a wonderful loving man for 8 years. I am 40 this year. We have 3 kids and hoping for a four to close the chapter. However, I can’t seem to let go of my ex boyfriend who has been in my life for the last 24 years, though we only dated for 4 years.  

Men have always come and gone but my ex has been the constant in my life. I can go to him about anything and he usually comes through for me but his girlfriend is not happy with our bond. She only found out we keep in-touch when she went through his phone she then called me and the rest I’m sure you can work out. Anyway my husband knows all my male friends but I have never disclosed to him about my ex as a former boyfriend, he only knows that we grew up together and once in a while we all go out for drinks with other friends.

Maurice’s asks,

Have you really let go of your ex, were you in-love or was it just puppy love considering you knew each other in your teens?

She replies,

Yes I did love him, as for being in-love I am not sure but I know I care about him a lot. He has been there when others were not.

Maurice’s says,

Would you say he is like your soul mate of sorts? 24 years of knowing someone is a long time.

She replies,

I never thought of him in that way but I guess he is my soul mate, my confidant. He is there when I need someone to talk to apart from my husband who I can not fault because he too is there for me.

Maurice’s asks,

Now that I have a better understanding of what your ex means to you, what exactly do you want from me, you said you are happily married so why lie to you husband about your past, do you want me to validate your relationship with you ex to ease your guilt?

She replies,

Maurice my husband would not understand my friendship with my ex, he would blow it out of context yet it’s an innocent friendship. I am not involved romantically with my ex and haven’t been for many years now.

Maurice’s says,

I sense guilt. You have used the word ‘bond’ twice and in words I deduce a lot especially if someone is trying to down play a status in their life. In your case I have the feeling that you still have strong feelings for your ex and the reason for your break up is probably the only reason why you are not married to him but the reason could not sever your bond as you call it. If your friendship with your ex, which in my professional opinion I believe is not healthy for the long term survival of your marriage, was innocent and not romantic in anyway I don’t believe you would be writing to me. You found a good man and married him and you live with the guilt that even though you may not be involved with your ex you still keep him around because of attributes in him you still find attractive. You may never stray and break your marital vows but in my experience with your love triangle scenario the truth always has a way of coming out. You need to ask yourself if this bond with your ex is worth a future rift between you and your husband and on whose side would you be if it came to a choice between your loving husband and your ex lover? Note that I haven’t mentioned your kids who would also be affected if your marriage experienced a bumpy patch or ended. It’s all about your priority and loyalty to one man, we don’t always have the choice to have our cake and eat it too. Decisions have consequences and sometimes if we make the wrong ones however harmless we think they are its most of the time too late to undo the damage of a broken heart.