Dear Maurice,
I am a 31 year old woman with 3 kids, my youngest is now just over one year old. I have been married to a very loving dedicated man for 6 years now. In the
last year our sex life has changed and is declining fast. I really need your help to find out what is going on with me?
Maurice asks,
So you have isolated the issue to be stemming from you and if so how do you feel about yourself as a woman nowadays?
She replies,
I know for a fact that I have gained weight to be precise I have gain 5 kilos. I hate it, I hate how I look and I hate letting myself go to this extent. I can’t even undress in-front of my husband, I have to hide in the bathroom and put on a robe before we sleep. Before I could easily change in-front of him and I felt sexy, that is now no longer the case.
Maurice asks,
What do you see when you look into the mirror?
She replies,
Maurice I see an ugly woman, I see an over weight woman. I am even afraid to look at myself because every day I feel like I am adding more and more weight.
Maurice asks,
What does your husband see if at all he shares with you?
She replies,
My husband is sweet and very attentive. He keeps trying to remind me that I am sexy and he does his best to make me feel good about myself but at the back of my mind I’m wondering if he is doing it just to please me, I know it’s wrong to doubt him but I can’t help it.
Maurice replies,
So you started to feel less sexy when your third child was born. What was so significant about the third compared to the other times you gave birth?
She replies,
I don’t know but something I can’t explain just click in my head and I begun to doubt how I look. My girl friends are no help they keep telling me that I have added weight and it hurts but I don’t show it. To me they have a point; they are trim and proper where as I am over weight.
Maurice replies,
My dear let me tell you this for a fact. It’s all in your mind, it is very likely that negative thoughts over a period of time have suppressed your desire for sex and no amount of acknowledgement from your husband will fix your mental out look, only you can look within yourself and start to tell yourself that yes you may have added weight but you are still sexy and secondly your husband finds you sexy that should count for something.
I know it’s easier said than done but you must be strong willed to convince and remind yourself that you are sexy. Men love a confident woman, so please do not show your husband that you have a complex about your body. He will attempt to help you feel good about yourself but over time if you persist to continue thinking you are not sexy yet he says you are he will eventually lose the strength to affirm your beauty.
It’s time you went out there and pampered yourself with a few feel good treats, buy some kinky lingerie and wear it proudly and show it off to your husband and keep telling yourself you are a mother of 3 and that you are sexy. Motherhood does not decline your look unless you self inflict or believe that you are not sexy. Like I said, it’s all in the mind. Change your mind set within the next few months and experience a new you that your husband will automatically notice and shower you will words of encouragement. You can also start an exercise regime at home or at a gym, visit a gym instructor for a suitable exercise program and diet advise but first it is critical that you change your mind set about yourself.
maurice i almost drove my husband away after my first, after adding 3 kilos i thought the worst of myself and i really frustrated my husband with my constant insecurity about my body, eventually help came, for 5 months i woke up every morning and went to the mirror to tell myself that i was still sexy before i knew it it was second nature and even though i overcame to date i still run to my mirror and i feel good about my body whether i have lost or added. truth be told your body weigh will fluctuate over the years and with that it is important that you find yourself sexy otherwise your partner will begin to see you in the same light.
I have been married 24 years so I see your point Matheka. I once years ago felt less sexy around my husband and even in public, after years of trying my husband gave up on the compliments until I did my own research on what I was feeling and realized that it my expectation as a younger woman to maintain my size 10 figure which went up to 14 then to 12. I did not use the mirror ideology but I wrote a journal about thinking positively and after 8 months of this routine I started to believe in beauty and I apologized to my husband for doubting his positive messages.
I strongly believe if you do not love yourself it is going to be difficult for others to love you.
Good work Mr Matheka.
Wow Faith, what great insight. I have just had a baby and I can totally relate to what the writer is feeling. I have gained some weight and am especially conscious of my bigger bust coz of breast feeding esp coz I actually have a small bust but I have learnt to be honest with myself … I have just had a precious baby and so given the choice of my prebirth body and no baby or baby and some weight what would I pick. I can always work on loosing the weight. When insecurity rears its head, I remember that hubby was there before I had any of my babies, was there when I was pregnant and has loved me through these stages of my life, our life. Yes, I will work out but the greater effort needs to be in my mind. I may always have the stretch marks and yes, as we grow older our bodies change. I have learnt to be comfortable in my skin. Btw, a real man knows that there will be changes in your body and he loves you anyhow. Be confident and he will follow suit, indeed, nothing is more sexy than a woman comfortable with who she is.