mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I am a 38 year old woman. I have been married now for 4 years. I met my husband in 2004 while on holiday in Zanzibar. I was then holidaying with my ex husband who I was married to for 2 years and 7 months. I have a son with my ex and I get to see him over the weekends.

 My ex won custody of our son because at the time of our divorce due to my over active social life and lack of sufficient funds according to the judicial system I was not deemed fit to raise my son. However since then life has been good to me, I changed jobs and now I can say I am doing well for myself. Anyway back to how I met my current husband. During the holiday which was to be the last I would have with my ex husband we met a group of people who holiday together through a social media where they all met and started a social events calendar. I joined the social media group and attended some of their events over the years. In March 2006 our divorce came through and I was a free woman once again. I kept in-touch with one particular guy every day, every week and before we knew it we were an item. People would stare at us because of our obvious age difference. He is 27 and it doesn’t help that he has this baby boy look light skinned but very handsome. In August 2007 I married what I thought was the most charming adorable man I had ever met. Maurice I have given this man all of me, I gave him the key to my heart. I have supported him emotionally and financially, yet he has persisted to disrespect me by coming home late and at times he has his friends over at 3am after their night of clubbing. They then continue their partying in our home till dawn.

Maurice’s asks,

Has your current husband’s character in regards to his social life changed since you met him through the social media group?

She replies,

I know what you are getting at but I have not allowed him to behave in this manner so I am not to blame and as my husband I would have hoped that he would grow up and act responsible. He is not immature otherwise I would not be married to a man that I have nothing in common with. I accept we are of a different generation but when he is being a loving husband you can hardly tell our age difference.

Maurice’s replies,

You are not under attack so please refrain from the defensive impulse. I just wanted to point out that your husband despite his ability to act or be mature he is still a 27 year old man. Does that mean all men his age are immature, not at all, however you did meet him in a forum that only social personalities would be members of, in the other hand I believe you joined because it was a way to get away from the problems that were brewing between you and your ex husband. I’m I getting warmer?

She replies,

You are right on one thing the group was a great distraction and I hoped that this time round things would be different.

Maurice’s asks,

Explain, what do you mean by different?

She replies,

My ex was a control freak, he never gave me space to breath, he never abused me or hit me but he did his best to break me off from the rest of the World. He wanted to own me, I was his property, and thinking back he did jokingly once say that after paying such a hefty dowry I would have to cater for his every need. Maurice I lost my friends, my identity as a woman, I thought I was going to go mad but I held on for my son.

Maurice’s comments,

I hate to put it this way but in my opinion your current husband was your way of replacing attributes in your ex that you disliked. It’s not by chance that you married a younger man. Are you are cougar? I highly doubt. Based on your past you were seeking the perfect one, the perfect soul mate, someone who you can mould to be everything your ex should have been as your man. Unfortunately, we can’t alter someone’s character traits or personality to fit our every expectation. Apart from his lack of respect, do you believe he cares about you, and when he is not partying with his friends do you spend quality time where he fulfills your need for companionship?

She replies,

If you are asking if I think he is faithful to me then the answer is yes. And yes he is very loving and affectionate when we are just the two of us. I am not defending him but I know he knows the difference between good and bad in our relationship. He will at times surprise me with a few antics but he is my man and I love him to death despite what society thinks. Our families do not approve of our marriage and I doubt they ever will.

Maurice’s says,

How do you feel around your husband’s friends, do you join them when they come over to your home or when they are going out clubbing? Has your husband ever shown signs of being ashamed, you know what I mean?

She replies,

It was hard at first. Some of his friends especially the girls were bitchy and to date some still see me as a cradle snatcher. Do I party with them, yes I do and I have had one of my best nights out with my husband. And no, he has always found me attractive though there have been moments when I have taken a step back and asked myself if he would be happier with a younger woman.

Maurice replies,

Words say a lot and sometimes when you read between the lines you can recognize love mixed with fear of the unknown. I may be wrong but I believe you never had real closure with your ex and losing custody was a tough path in your life and it must have made you feel as if you were less of a woman, a failed mother, but you are not. You have described your current life as a new chapter, yes you have a few teething issues but those are just part of life. You have a younger man for a husband but you testify to his loyalty to you, not many women in my line of work have that privilege so avoid becoming your controlling ex and let your husband be the man he is at his age.

Share your short term and long term expectations and just live life one day at a time. If you don’t like something, calmly tell him and tell him why, sometimes it helps to ask someone to put themselves in your shoes. We don’t pick those we end up loving from a line up of perfect people but in your case what stands out is that your union is intact and you are content with each other.

Do not seek perfection but seek to sustain happiness, seek to remain young at heart and keep your communication healthy. Over the years to come you will both learn a lot from each other and be willing to indulge each other in activities, hobbies and even fetishes that you may have.