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Dear Maurice,

I really need your help! I am desperate for a solution.

Maurice asks,

What is going on?

She repliesworriedebony

My fiance is being very controlling and dictating a lot to me and my family. We are meant to get married in September this year and he just wants a simple wedding whereas I want a white wedding with my family and friends plus all the trimmings.

Maurice replies,

When you say a simple wedding please expound.

She replies,ebonywedding

He wants a small church service for about 2 hours max. He says we will have both families at the service, serve them tea and accompaniments, thereafter we have an after party with only his friends and my friends, no family allowed. The reason I need your help is because after I complained he told me to either go along with his plan or the entire wedding is off. Don’t you think he is being unfair?

Maurice replies,

Well, it is not really about being unfair, my first impression is that your relationship has a very weak foundation because at this point the two of you should not be dictating to each other, it highlights an eventuality where your marriage will never be functional, you will gain titles but not each other. If I may, I need to ask you a few questions, I feel as if there is a back story that may reflect on your current predicament.

She replies,

I am not following. Are you saying he has a right to treat me like this?

Maurice replies,

Absolutely not. But that said, you must be truthful so I can make a factual deduction of your relationship. How old are you and how old is he? For how long have you been dating and how did you meet? What led him to propose? If you can share then perhaps I can help you.

She replies,women-arguing

I am 24 and he is 39 years old. We have been dating on and off for 4 years. I have known him since I was 16. He has not told me why he proposed but he had two options and he chose me. I have had a crush on him since I was in high school. He used to date my neighbour who was friends with my older sister. I never disclosed my feelings until later on when I found out from social media that he was fucking a close friend of mine and yet she knew how I felt about him.

Maurice asks,

So he dated your older sister’s friend who I can only assume lived with her parents, is that correct and how old is your sister?

She replies,

My sister and her friend are age mates, they are 31. Yes she lived with her parents but in the guest wing. It is a separate house in the compound.

Maurice asks,

Your friend whom you found out was seeing your crush and current fiance is your age mate?

She replies,ebonystudymates (2)

We were best friends and classmates since high school. We shared all our secrets, I did not expect her to back stab me. She said she messaged him on facebook in 2014 and one thing led to another. Apparently it was just a fling. But I found out they were still seeing each other after I started to see him. He told me she was not willing to let him go and that he would end it without pressures from me. He told me to back off otherwise he would leave us both. I let him be and I believe they stop communicating last year in November. She does text him but he shows me all her stupid love text then he deletes them in-front of me.

Maurice replies,

I am curious, not that people should get married by any particular age or time, but has he ever told you if he was ever married or why he has waited to get married now?

She replies,

While he was fucking my friend he was in a serious relationship for 5 years but it did not work out because at the time he was not ready to have children, that is what he told me.

Maurice replies,

I am guessing your on and off was because you were sharing him with your friend?

She replies,

He was seeing her like a sponsor fuck mate arrangement and still playing mind games with my sister’s friend, the one he had a ‘serious’ relationship with. So now he said that during their fling he fell in-love but when I came along he got confused because he suddenly loved us both.

Maurice replies,

Let me ask you, does he financially support you during all these love triangles?

She replies,

What are you getting at?

Maurice replies,

I am trying to understand his relevance despite his obvious manipulative character. You say he plays mind games so in my view I feel for a man to become centre of focus for three women he must possess a character trait where he carefully chooses his words to create a reality that keeps him relevant and once you blend that with finances you have an intoxicating cocktail of seductive tales but a very cunning and ingenious man.

She replies,

Are you saying he is playing me as well?

Maurice replies,

We can debate that till the cows come home but what is clear is that you are most likely his best option. He may love you and I am sure he tells you that more often than the average man but I fear that it may not be the kind of love you subscribed to. I sense a character in him that will groom you into the type of wife he needs. And I mean wife, not lover, not a friend but a wife, a woman who will facilitate for his homely and family needs assuming he now is ready to procreate. He may be a great husband to a woman who seeks to be submissive at all times, never questioning his authority, but if you are looking for a marriage where you are friends, partners for life, where you grow together and he allows you to have a voice as his equal then I am afraid that might be the marriage you have in your dreams. I have been profiling couples for many years and based on the variables you have shared the odds of him being the man you want are bleak.

She replies,

Oh my God. I never looked at it that way. But Matheka we are too far along to stop. He visited my parents in April and gave my mother three hundred thousand and he is yet to pay dowry in 2 weeks time.

Maurice replies,

Forgive my bluntness, but he seems to have managed to buy his way into your family through your mother. As a social scientist I do not see the relevance of that money and I am willing to bet that there is no custom that demanded for such an exchange. If we were to debate your worth then he who is a mortal man would never afford you. Like I indicated, this man has an agenda in my experienced opinion and if you go ahead and exchange vows I do not believe he will fulfill his promise to you. Then again, he may marry you and provide for you and your future kids but your heartaches will come from you having a husband by title but not in the flesh. Too often do I meet married women who say ‘if I knew what I know today I would not have gotten married’. Many just had the dream and hopes that many women have, that they would have the picket fence family and life. Many just followed social order and some ran at the opportunity when a man decided to go on bended knee and thought to herself, if I say no who else will ever marry me. I have heard all the stories that lead up to marriage and many unfortunately involve two humans who do not aspire to the same future, to make it worse one of them is usually an illusionist.

She replies,

Oh gosh. I do not know what to say. I came to you to solve the issue of the limited menu and you have opened a can of worms that have confused me. But you are also saying that he may change with time?

Maurice replies,

My dear, that is your womanly ‘hope factor’ kicking in hence the notable question to a reality I did not reflect was a possibility. It is always good to hope but in this case I do not see a turn out that will avail a blissful marriage of any kind. Let me ask you, these messages from your friend when was the last one?

She replies,

She is a bitch and persistent. She text him last week. Before you ask me why he has not blocked her,Β  it is because he did block her on his other line and she still found him and he said that we should just let her chat herself until she gets the message. He told me that she knows that he cannot change his current line because his clients communicate through that line.

Maurice replies,

Question, don’t you find it odd that he provides you with possible eventualities based on his hypothesis knowledge of female behaviour. If she wanted to be malicious, she would be texting him about how amazing their last encounter was, most likely in a sexual context hoping you stumble upon the damning evidence. Have any of the text been of that nature from your recollection?

She replies,

No.

Maurice replies,

Food for thought! I am not a betting man but if I were, I would bet that there is a high chance that they are still in touch. Showing you those messages is just a smoke screen tactic to gain your trust while the real magic is his secret life. Note, it is only my opinion, though it holds water in explaining his willingness to show you his hand of transparency which deflects you from the truth.

She replies,

Matheka, I really appreciate your advice but what if there is a chance for me and him to be happy once we get married. He is generous and he takes good care of me.

Maurice asks,

What does he do that makes him generous?

She replies,

He pays for my lifestyle. He caters for all my bills and housing. We are going to move into a four bedroom house in Karen once we get married.

Maurice replies,

There you go. That is his true relevance. He has passed the criteria of provider with flying colours. There is nothing wrong with you wanting the finer things in life but at what cost. Like I said, you can gain a title but having him as your friend and affectionate companion may be a tall order as your life unfolds.

She replies,

But I have rich parents. My only issue is that I can’t keep running to them for shelter and stability. My job is good but it can’t afford me the lifestyle I would like to maintain.

Maurice replies,

Well, you seem to know what you want from him despite the bleak future. I have also concluded that in the beginning as a follow up to your crush for him, that you loved the thrill of competing with the other women and once you fell head over heels the dynamic changed. Your next chapter was to secure him for yourself and establish a ‘serious relationship’ and that is when your dilemmas begun. Be honest, is there any truth in my evaluation?

She replies,

I have no reason to pretend. Yes you are right but I wasn’t competing I was trying to show him that I had loved him for years and that I was his soul mate he just didn’t know it.

Maurice replies,

Soul mate or not, you have a choice to make. If you make the wrong choice your future troubles are going to be bigger than tea and samosas.

She replies,sadebony

My friend who referred me was right. You are brutal but I do appreciate your forward breakdown of what my future could look like. You have given me a lot to think about you have no idea. Ati tea and samosas lol. What I have taken from this is that I might end up being a wife who only acquired the title making my parents and friends happy forsaking my own happiness to live with a man who only accommodates my lifestyle but provides little or no affection unless obligational.

Maurice replies,

I could not have put it better myself. Take the assessment and ask yourself what truly matters then follow through.

She replies,

Thank you Matheka. I will update you once I make my decision.


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