mauricetherapy

Dear Maurice,

I have just turned 19, with an almost one year old baby girl.

I met my baby daddy at a party and we hit it off. He was straight up and told me he was not looking for a serious relationship because he was already married with kids. He is 22 years my senior and I love him so much. I knew what I was getting into but I expected him to be there for me whenever I need him. I live with my folks and it has caused problems between my parents. My mum is not pleased as you can imagine and my father blames me. Mum has tried to convince dad to seek legal action but dad has declined that option. He says when I turned 18 I became an adult and since I have always fought him about his strictness under his roof I should take responsibility and stop blaming a married man. I know in the past I have many times threatened to leave home to gain my freedom when I became 18 but I did not expect my own father to turn his back on me. Dad has made it clear that he will not confront my baby daddy nor does he want anything to do with the man I love, because he will not be responsible for destroying another man’s marriage but if I insist I can do it alone. My dad also told me that I should be ashamed of myself for dating a man who is his junior by 5 years that really hurt me. I was brought up by dad and mum with the mentality that love is unconditional regardless of race or age. Mum supports me but she will not go against my dad’s final word. I do not know what to do. My parents are supporting my baby and dad loves his grand daughter, he is always worrying about her, for that I love him despite our disagreements. Maurice my life has be turned upside down I had plans to further my studies in the States and many other ambitions but now they are on hold. I also want my daughter to know her father. Baby daddy’s position in all this is that he will only support me the much he can if I agree to sign a document stating that I will never ask for more than what we agree and that his family should never know about us. He is offering me fifty thousand per month until our daughter is 18. He says he will help me plan for our baby’s future through a savings scheme. I am confused but I feel like taking his offer. But will our love die with this mess.

Maurice’s reply:

I have tried to evaluate your matter without being too parent-ish. But I must start by pointing out that our parents apply certain boundaries to limit us from situations that may affect our life in a negative way. Parents are our defense system and we will undoubtedly not conform to every boundary but they do care about our well being. I believe your dad is saying “I told you so” in his own fatherly way. Now what is important at this stage? The answer is obvious, your baby’s future. I’m happy that your parents are fully supportive in regards to the care of your baby. You did not mention that you are currently working so I’m assuming you are fully reliant on your parents. If you are under their roof then your dreams are not at all lost. You can still further your studies and became independent. I’m sure your parents will help you to achieve your goals as they tend to your child’s growth. Focus on that first and schedule when you will resume studies, set yourself a time table with deadlines. This will guide you in monitoring your level of achievements and also formulate a time table that allows for you and your child to bond. I do not want to advise on the legal channels you can take that you can receive by visiting an advocate or institution that deals with family legal cases. Financial assistance from baby daddy will help but if you pursue it be ready to go to court and sometimes it can drag for months or years but let me not speculate on an area that is not of my expertise, seek guidance from professionals in that sector. What I will tell you, is despite your love for your baby daddy please doesn’t hope for an ending where you and him are happily together under one roof as a family. That is extremely unlikely, in other words the odds are very much against you. You unfortunately were a victim of an older man’s lust to score points by dating a younger woman.

Concentrate on caring and loving your daughter and please mend bridges with your dad; I believe with wisdom, and life’s lessons, he foresees eventualities that he may not want you to experience hence why he has decided to take care of you without flaring up the unknown. My closing statement is, you were blessed with a child and all you can do is love your child everyday and give your child the best life has to offer relying only on your ability and efforts once you are out of your parent’s home.